I call him The Little Bastard sometimes, or the Boston Terror.

Bud is a sweet and loving dog, but he is also a hellion, sometimes making a trail of mayhem and chaos, he can cause a huge amount of trouble in a small space in a very short amount of time.

In an effort to explain this story, I used my skills as an artist to draw a map of what Bud did in just a few short minutes.

You can see Bud’s path and the numbers that mark the spot where he ran amok, they  are highlighted in red, the trees in blue, the barn also in red. I decided to skip the detail and just capture the big picture.

Despite what will surely be a clamor by people who wish to purchase the fine sketch, I won’t sell it, but I will offer a guide, I’ve taken the trouble to number the things Bud did in the 1:15 seconds between the time I let him out the back door and the time he ran amok on the farm and returned to jump up next to Minnie the cat and try to hump her, a move that did not go well for him.

Bud has an “angel” mode (you can see it in the photo below) that often fools people. It is just a veneer. Behind those eyes is one of Satan’s Spawns.

First, (See No. 1, all numerals in red) Bud made a beeline – he a fast little sucker – for the pasture gate. There he barked furiously at Lulu and Fanny, dove under the fence and barked at them some more. He doesn’t seem to know they are about 100 times bigger than he is.

They looked at him incredulously, and did not move.

I yelled at  him to leave them alone, which he reluctantly did.

Two. He ran out of the gate and into the barn, where he tried to scarf up some chicken droppings, which I have repeatedly asked him not to do.

I yelled at him to come out of the barn, which he eventually did.

Three. He ran underneath our beautiful apple tree, where he started eating what I believe are cat feces – this is a favorite burial spot for the cats.

I yelled at him to stop eating cats—, which he did, rather quickly for him.

Four. He ran to the garden and was wolfing down some other disgusting thing, I can’t say what it was and don’t want to know. The cats kill mice out there.

Five. He saw out two hens and ran after them, he never harms the chickens but loves to chase after them and hear them cluck and squawk in protest. I took out my spray Pet Corrector Can and it hissed at him, and he backed away

Six. He ran underneath my car, where Flo the barn cat was dozing, and got a swipe on the nose for his troubles, Bud beat a rare and hasty retreat. Bud never retreats.

Seven. Bud ran onto the back porch and jumped up on the bench where Minnie, our other barn cat, was sleeping. Minnie is not impressed with Bud, who got flirtatious, she yawned and hissed, which was enough to get him away.

“Don’t you know you were neutered!” I shouted, losing it.

By this time, I was hoarse, spinning like a top. Bud has done all of these things at one point or another, but rarely has he done all of them at once, one after the other, and having a blast, obviously. Maybe it was Spring. But we weren’t done.

Eight. Bud ran suddenly over to the chicken roost, where Maria often leaves stale and rotting things the chickens love. Bud loves those things too, I used the spray can again.

I ordered him back to the house, using my voice my whistle and my hands. He went, I let him inside, asking him on the way “I can’t believe how much  trouble you caused in a single minute, on a small patch of ground! You are not like any dog I have ever known.”

Bud seemed to take this as fulsome praise, he wagged his stump of a tail, looked at me carefully to make sure I wasn’t too angry, and then went into the house, re-appearing with one of Maria’s blue slippers, a peace offering to me, I think.

So there you have it, a detailed map of the havoc one Boston Terrier can wreak in seconds as the hapless owner bellows and hisses like a steamship and the dog pays no mind.

You can say what you want about these small dogs, the world is their kingdom, and they are King.

I showed Maria my map, (she refused to draw it for me, artists are snooty that way), but she said it was terrific. Don’t even bother to try, I won’t sell it at any price, but anyone can have it for a $50 donation to the Mansion.