When I first began my work at the Mansion with Red, I noticed that the residents would often pause – hesitate – before they spoke to me or answered my questions.

I am a fast talker and this puzzled me. I wasn’t sure if there was a hearing problem or some other confusion. In meditation class last week, I asked the students to talk about aging and how it has affected them, something I realized I had rarely, if ever, heard them talk about.

I got used to it, but never actually asked about it or talked about it. Until recently.

M – who is past 90, answered me. She gave me permission to record her answer, which began slowly, but picked up steam as she went along.

“I feel aging most in my body, that’s where I first saw the difference. I can’t walk up too many stairs and I have to hold onto railings when I do go on stairs.

But mostly, I feel it mentally. I have to search for the words I want, for the things I want to say. It doesn’t just come right out any more, like  your words do. I call it Word Finding. Almost all of  us have trouble Word Finding. I can’t remember things, I can’t remember names, but I can mostly remember faces. I keep starting sentences, but I  hesitate, stop a lot, because I’m afraid I’ll get stuck. Sometimes, if I have time, I can remember the name or the place, but sometimes I can’t, and I just feel like a fish, my mouth open, nothing coming out. I read that the part of the brain that governs memory is one of the first things to go in older people.

Sometimes, the conversations of other people get jumbled, I can’t follow them, I just nod like I understand. Now, there are times where I just don’t say much, I just listen, it’s just safer. People must think I’m dumb. People talk about Alzheimer’s, but most of the time, it’s just aging.

I will be honest with you, I’ve seen you around her hundreds of times, you and your dog. I’ve talked to you I don’t know how many times. I don’t remember your name or the name of your beautiful dogs. I can still tell you the name of every dog I ever owned.

Isn’t that a strange thing?

I get up to go get something, but by the time I get across the room I forget what it is, I write it down if there’s a pen handy so I won’t forget it. Sometimes it comes back to me, sometimes it’s just gone. The other thing is balance, I don’t have good balance any more…people fall here all the time, that’s how most of us get to die.”

  She told me aging was about losing things we all once took for granted. Climbing. Walking. Talking. She described a world of constantly shrinking dimensions. You can’t see clearly enough to read,  you can’t hear clearly enough to listen, you can’t remember clearly enough to talk.

In my head, I am young and busy and full of life, my body has another story to tell.”

I thanked M for her explanation of aging and Word Finding. That phrase – Word Finding – stuck in my mind. As a writer, it has special meaning for me. Words flow out of me like water pouring down a drain, and I better understand the conversations I have been having at the Mansion.

Is there anything in my life I take more for granted than finding words? How isolating and disconnecting that would be for me, and is for others.

The Mansion has taught me to be patient. The Mansion has taught me to be clear. The Mansion has taught me to be grateful for every word that comes out of my mouth, or onto the blog, or into my books.

(If you wish to contribute to the Mansion work, you can do so via Paypal, [email protected]. It’s Spring, I have work to do. You can also contribute by check, Jon Katz, Mansion Fund, P.O. Box 205, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816.) And thank you. The Army Of Good is good.