In my morning meditation, the teacher asked this question about friends:
“As we spend time with another person, are we seeing them as they are? Or are we judging them against what we would like them to be?”
What a good and timely question for me, it came right out of my life and my spinning head.
This has been a life-long issue, and I am eager to tackle it, understand it and get to a good place with it. In my morning meditation, I thought about it as carefully and honestly as I could.
This is something I am guilty of, this is something I have trouble with, this is something I very much want to change and learn from.
I have had so much trouble with friendship in my life, and I believe this is a part of it. This is where I got with this this morning, and that is just a start. I have much more thinking to do.
I believe in being honest with my friends, and this has cost me many friends. I think some of my honesty is rooted in judgment, as the meditation suggests, and that is where the trouble is, for them and for me.
I very much like this idea of bringing this question down into two choices.
Either accept my friends as they are, or move away from them and wait for new friends, or embrace the solitude and contemplation I love. I have never needed a lot of friends, have never had a lot of friends, that is a comfortable place for me.
Either is, to me, a valid and moral choice. Trying to change people or judge them is not an acceptable choice for me, not any longer. It is wrong, it is hurtful, it accomplishes nothing. I am learning to let go.
I have learned that I can change at any point, at any phase of life. People who tell me it is too late for them to change are broken in my mind, too fearful and timid to undertake this painstaking but necessary work.
When I stop changing or being willing to change, I will be ready to die.
I have a friend I was hurt by recently, a friend who angered me, who doesn’t always tell me the truth, who is so eager to please that the truth about her/him is often left behind, because it is unknowable in all the fear and confusion.
I am not going to talk about this with my friend, I am not going try to change my friend, I am not going to judge my friend. I will either accept the friendship as it is, and if I can’t do that, I will walk away.
I believe in being honest, but not in being judgmental.
They are two very different things, the one noble, the other a poison. Honesty is about my identity, about speaking my truth. I have to make the decision about whether I can accept this person, that is my part.
But I don’t have the right to try to change or judge other people, I have to decide how and whether to be friends with this person. I’m just beginning to understand the difference, there is a big difference between being authentic and being judgmental.
This is a very important lesson for me, and I wish to take it seriously and confront it directly, and shed myself of even more of the heavy and burdensome weight I have carried around all my life.
It is not too late, it is never too late to change and grow.
Jon, as a Quaker, may I propose a third question…”Where is ‘that of God’ in this person?”
Susan, as a fellow Quaker (I joined when I was 14) I think that’s a lovely question, although I don’t presume everyone believes in God. In the light, jon
I guess my question whether or not it would help if YOU looked for God (or Light) in the other person.
Yes, a valuable thought, I think it would help…
If we put a slight switch on this (“Are we seeing them as they are? Or are we judging them against what they used to be?”), we get to the magic of the Mansion (or any good assisted living with caring aides). You and the Mansion staff are able to see and love and accept the residents for who they are now, without the baggage of past experience. Speaking for myself, I couldn’t help but think of who my parents used to be, and grieving that loss. I wish I had been able to be more accepting and “in the moment” with them as we got to the end.
Jon, my therapist recommended a book, “Soul without Shame, A Guide to Liberating Yourself from The Judge Within” by Byron Brown. I found the first part of the book a bit difficult to read, but I persisted to my benefit. It has helped me to hear the voice of the Judge, I call him Jerome, and kick him to the curb whenever he starts his shit with me.
I have walked away. It is not only proper but vital to refuse to accept unacceptable behavior. We have to create the boundaries that allow us to live in safety, peace and contentment. My sister is so damaged that she doesn’t know truth from lie. If she says something it immediately becomes the truth in her mind. I can’t fix that. The only people capable of becoming well are those that can look at themselves with brutal honestly. She can’t help it, but I have to keep myself safe. I love myself enough to seek peace and contentment.
This is such an important insight and awareness, Jon. I can see my own change (not that it’s complete) looking back and realize this was a bridge to cross.
I’m working through a version of this. It isn’t so much judgement (though surely it is hiding in plain sight!!) as not having a common view of how to fundamentally care for body and soul (if the latter is even in the mix). Because my views aren’t the norm, I get judged and at the same time, am asked to witness and support their decline and (in my view) suffering. I haven’t found a way to connect when declining health/meds, CNN looping and feeding the fear monster are the main diet and the disempowerment of all that is something I’m supposed to share. I opt out for self-preservation, and feel very lonely quite often
At 65 like Jon I don’t do old talk (or Trump “loop” complaining), it takes my vibration right down. I’m recovering from a long chronic illness and I can’t afford to get dragged into a lower one, it literally damages my healing. When I meet someone who like me believes you can change and heal and continue to grow, it is like a spring sun.
No matter how it presents itself, it’s definitely a conundrum that Buddhism (and Quakers) have some wisdom around. Right now I’m choosing solitude (for self preservation) but believe there may be wisdom on the other side of that that allows me to connect to a few people in a real way that feels easy.
I truly hope Jon writes a book about aging and spirituality and all the rest. It is an important topic for the boomer population.
You speak of being ready to die when change ceases. Think of it this way: rather than dying we stop living. It becomes less conceptual.