In my morning meditation, the teacher, a Buddhist monk for many years, said that awareness cannot be anything other than non-judgmental, free from bias, free from commentary.

It is a daunting thing to do that in our world, but I knew right away what he was talking about, even though it is very hard for me to do.

I told the Mansion residents in our First Meditation Class this morning that the task in our meditation was not to judge ourselves or anyone else, but to observe our minds and the world around us without any kind of bias or agenda.

There is no right or wrong here, I told them, there is only right now, right where we are. They were, to a one, astonished at the thought. That is not, said one, what I learned in church.

No, I said, I am sure it is not.

Awareness, I replied,  is being aware of now, of your own breath and body.

My went went back to my reporting days, my mentors, tough old Irish reporters, told me I was there to observe, not to judge. I had to interview a lot of people I could not like and wanted to judge, I learned to not do that in my work, I was there to explain, not condemn.

This lesson helped me many times in my life, and is helping me to let go and focus on what is important. Reading to the residents, meditating with them, I thought this is where I want to be, this is my calling, this is important.

I have less and less time for foolish and drama.

When I began to fill up my life with good things, the poison and judgement and anger in my head began to fade away, there was no longer room in my consciousness for them.

In meditation, it is an extraordinary goal be fully non-judgmental, free from bias and commentary. It is a goal, a place to get to, even if I can never  be there for too long.

“The Meaning of life is found in openness to being and “being present” in full awareness,”  wrote Thomas Merton, his writing prepared me for today’s meditation. Sometimes – rarely – in my meditation, I do reach this state of pure awareness, I am living completely in the moment.

That is the most peaceful place I have ever gone to, there is no regret of the past, no anger at friends who are not friends, no worry about the future, no re-working of the news.

That, I think, is awareness at its core. The ability to live in the eternal now. To give thanks for joy, truth, compassion and honesty.

Life was pure and eternal in the moment, I could purge my mind of all its turbulence and be free and feel pure. I’ve done it a few times, or at least come close enough to feel it brush against my cheeks.

Anxiety is the mark of spiritual insecurity, I am learning. Fear accomplishes nothing, goes nowhere, it not even real, it is simply a space to cross, like an empty baseball field There is nothing to stop me from getting to the other side. The spiritual life is about moving away from fear, turning instead to hope. It is, after all, up to me.

I don’t have time to spent my life on argument, rationales, vengeance or setting a record straight. I don’t need to be right.

My life is too important to waste on that.

“You are more than you think you are,” wrote Merton. “There are dimensions of your being and a potential for realization and consciousness that are not included in your concept of yourself. Your life is much deeper and broader than you conceive it to be here. What you are living is but a fractional inkling of what is really within you, what gives you life, breadth, and depth.”

This is worth knowing about myself, this is how I wish to spend my time. I am beginning to see how much time I have wasted, how many petty and foolish and vengeful things took up so much of the space in my head and soul.

But Merton is right, I believe, the meaning of life is awareness, the state or condition of being aware,  of having knowledge, of consciousness.

Finally this is where my work on awareness is taking me.

I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to be better unless I first accept myself. And if I accept and love  myself fully in the right way, I will already be better.

This is what I saw and felt and learned about awareness in my meditation today.