I had lunch with Carol Gulley today, the first time I’ve seen her in a few months and the longest I’ve gotten to speak with her since Ed died last Fall. She had a lot of news to report, most of which she has already shared on her blog, the Bejosh Farm Journal.

Carol had a very  hard time with Ed’s death, but has increasingly been making sound decisions about her life and farm and future. Carol is selling her Swiss cows, the heart of the farm’s dairy business. It was just too much for her.

She is keeping some of the calves, she said the price for them is too low for her to sell now.

Carol said she was thinking of moving to a smaller house down the road that the family owns, but isn’t sure she wants to move. I had the sense she was moving to a different phase of grief, she is more accepting forward-looking and talks about her friends and some plans she has for the future.

I’ll leave it to her to talk about that when she is ready, that is her story to tell, not mine. Family is central to Carol, she dotes on her children and  grandchildren and their many achievements. I had the feeling it was not easy for her to be with me, she almost always saw me and Maria with Ed.

Perhaps it’s hard for me also. When I see her, I think of all those afternoons and nights, sitting by Ed, drawing with  him, talking with him,  listening to his stories. It seems like a long time ago.

Carol and I are very connected, but not close. She has good friends with whom she is trusting and easy. We talked about some ideas she has for travel down the road. I hope she follows through.

She is, I think most at ease with other farm people and with her family. Grieving is so personal and so individual, everyone has to do it in their own way. Her face is still marked with sorrow and loss.

But it was good to see her, and good to see her beginning to think about how she will live.