I spent more than half my life in therapy so that I might live the other half in peace and contentment.
I have learned about the sanctity of boundaries.
I have a good friend in desperate need of therapy, but he insists he is too complex and unusual to be helped. I think he will pay and pay for that hubris, but I will not tell him so, it is not my business.
He wants me to step into his life and join his growing drama, but I know better now. I won’t.
In my long and hard years working to control my mental illness, I learned that boundaries are essential, they are the foundation of mental health and a grounded spiritual life.
Today, I was challenged five different times to put boundaries around my life, and let other people solve their own problems in their own time and way. I am no God (I think I was God for a while) and I can save no one but me.
A number of people brought their technical and blog issues to me, they wanted free advice. I couldn’t give it, I didn’t give it, and I was pleased to see how many of those people messaged me back and said they fixed their problem themselves.
That felt good.
The psychologist Brene Brown wrote that “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
People come at my boundaries almost every day. Two close friends, exhausted by hard work and struggle, have suddenly turned nasty, even cruel. We were quite close and this cruelty surprised and hurt me deeply, it was so unjustified and surprising, and they were so unwilling to even talk to me about some slight I never knew about.
There are few things more painful to me than discovering that close friends weren’t close friends at all.
So I let go.No calls, e-mails, texts, hand wringing, arguing, drama, anguished talks. I am done with them, I have moved on.
Not too long ago, that would have been a spectacular drama for me it could have gone on for months, just as my friend wanted. It won’t go on at all, I have walked away from it, left if behind. Its only in the past few years that I’ve been able to do that. Today I did it all day, putting up one boundary after another, shoring up the foundations of a health life.
No anger for me, no he-said, she-said, no drama. People don’ t get to run over my boundaries any more, and you know what? It feels so different, it feels so great. At one point the lack of visible boundaries nearly cost me my life. I am getting it back.
Living a grounded and connected life, writes Brown, ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter.
When I failed to set boundaries and hold people accountable for what they do, I feel used and mistreated. This is why we attack people instead of letting so, and this is far more hurtful in my life than being honest and standing in my truth.
An excellent post. I remember M.Scott Peck once said people who seek therapy are viewed as weak by people who dont. But he then said of the contrary it is the courageous people who seek therapy who are the courageous ones as they bare their soul in such a setting. I have learned in my 71 years that people with drama will always be around. I just need to follow my heart, give generously to this world and treasure the gifts i have been given. Many who have been special to me are no longer on this earth but I carry them in my hearts.and my heart is full!
Thanks Paula, only the strong get help, I think..
M Scott Peck great. Thx for sharing.
When I first heard about boundaries years ago, my response was confusion. “But I’m not allowed to have boundaries!” I thought. In my life I had little if any self esteem and was used to being whatever other people told me I should be. I was depressed and confused, I became angry & sarcastic. Learning boundaries has taken me a long time. It is an ongoing process. Not feeling responsible for everything around me is great.
I am still learning this. It’s nice to hear you say this. Thanks.
Isn’t it amazing when this truth of setting boundaries finally sinks in? It’s like a key that sets you free. I ran into an old friend yesterday – we had parted company about ten years ago after a harsh (on her side) falling out. Seeing her unexpectedly (literally turning a corner and running into her) left her no opportunity to gauge her reaction. It was nothing but shame and guilt written all over her face. My first thought was thank goodness I learned to let all of that go so long ago.
It really is a gift when you learn to just let go and drop the drama. That’s not to say it’s not hurtful and you don’t suffer, you do, but when you realize you cannot change people it is am amazing lesson. I found Brene Brown very helpful as well.
Very well said, Sandy, thanks..
Drama/trauma. Boundries are the key to staying sane, calm , and out of the tornado, of other peoples messes. It can’t matter so much, that the boundaries are misinterpreted, misconstrued and perceived as indifference. I can’t and won’t, let what other people think, affect me. It’s just the way it has to be. I have to do my thing, and I am going to do it, regardless of how anybody feels about it. I am for me. I have to be.
Serious co dependency is a life threatening matter…just as deadly as opiate addiction and what makes it so threatening is that the drug of “choice”(involuntary even though on the surface it looks like a free choice) is completely legal and always available because it is people. They are in abundance…four relationships almost did me in over a period of years…getting untangled was like freeing my sneakers from a big pile of hot melted chewing gum during a heatwave. To ignore the sense that you must explain and be ‘nice’ when you are drowning feels very counter intuitive and yet that is the very thing you need to do…when something is sick it is sick. As a Christian (and I’d rather say as a beloved one) it is a challenge because people expect you to act a certain way, that is a concept and concepts can be like prison cells: God does not ever intend for me to serve the self perceived needs of others while in a state of bondage or at the expense of the formation of my true self…”You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!” It does require diligence and hard work to avoid the traps and I must always be on guard for the tendency to be occupied with fixing people….it really does them a disservice and makes them objects. I really appreciate what you wrote- as I always do.. Thank you and I hope you and Red are getting along better today. Hugs, if you don’t mind. Pretty harmless at this remove but honestly heartfelt.
Loved this post, Jon. It hit the nail on the head. My life is about loving myself enough to set boundaries, even if it makes others unhappy. Once I was able to do this, I was a lot more helpful to others. A strange paradox! But I understand it now – that my jailer was me, no one else. When I can do for others in a clean and pure way, no expectations or judgments and with the boundaries I need, somehow it all just feels better. I said goodbye to drama, (dropped the hustle) and I work to keep it that way!