I’ve been listening to T. S. Eliot read his great dramatic monologue, the one I am presuming to read. I have no trouble crying when he reads this work. It is really humbling, but it is really what I am all about. Learning to live my life. You can listen to this great poet read the monologue  here.

I’ve much appreciated the feedback I’ve gotten to this monologue I am working on – T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock” – for the acting class I’m taking.

The critiques were sought and valuable to me, and I thank you all for jumping in. Listening to Eliot, I am reminded that this is a sad poem. Every older man asks this question: can I still contribute? Do I dare to eat the peach? Walk in the water?

Most of the comments were critical of my range and emotional pitch – not critical in a negative sense – critical in a positive way. There were dozens of suggestions about how I was standing, where I was looking, what words I was emphasizing, making marks on the paper, memorizing words.

Good suggestions.

To me, this is the Internet at its best – people reaching across space to help out someone seeking assistance.

This is a complex matter for me.

I’m taking an acting class but I have no desire to be an actor. Christine Decker, my teacher, believes I’m bringing together different kinds of story-telling with the monologue, a sort of hybrid between writing, blogging, picture-taking and some forms of acting.

She says she is very happy with the monologue so far, she suggested less emphasizing on the rhyming, a slower pace and some opening up.

I’m going to keep working on this, and I hope you will keep helping me with it.

Today, I wanted to share where I am at the moment, digesting this feedback, watching my videos. I want to keep doing this, I feel I am getting closer to where I want to be. Some people agree with that assessment, some don’t. That is the way of the world.

Ultimately, I have to be at ease with what I am going. I’m not there yet, but getting closer.

The big thing to remember for me is that I am not doing this to be an actor, to “act” well. I’m doing it for other reasons. I want to open up more, I want to be more comfortable learning how to show emotion as well as write it. I’ve never been at ease doing this in the open. My readings are never emotional.

I guess I’m looking to challenge myself and find my own comfort level, when all is said and done, the one I have to please is me.

For the past two years, I’ve been working with a trained speech pathologist named Susan, who has helped me tremendously in learning to understand the elderly – my Mansion work – and help them to read and restore memory.

She has been following my monologue work and sent me this message this morning. It really spoke to me.

“Hey, Jon, as a speech pathologist, I say do NOT change your delivery. You have one of the most pleasing voices out there. Your fundamental vocal pitch is in the range that is soothing, rich, gentle, and strong, all at the same time. Your vocal resonance is full; no nasal emissions, that is rare. My two cents is, ride on the gift of your natural voice. Don’t fall prey to contrived intonational contour.”

This resonated with me, mostly because it is precisely how I feel. I have been told for years that I have a pleasing voice, on the radio and off. I can’t say I know that, but I have been told it often enough that I do believe it.

When I try to adjust my voice – to show more emotion, I think the challenge is about what I am feeling inside, not what I am saying outside. I don’t allow myself to feel in public.  In my life, showing emotion was very dangerous. I want to move past that.

My voice is my voice, my bearing is my bearing. I have always been reserved in public, I will always be reserved in public. But I want to be more authentic.

This poem is emotional for me, it raises issues in my life about timidity, fear and pride that I have always wrestled with. I often cried when reading it, but never in public. I don’t have to fake the emotion I am feeling, I have to simply be more honest and open about what I am feeling.

Actors have all kinds of valuable techniques and protocols to project feelings they do or don’t have. That is what acting is. Writing is different, we project emotional through words and characters.

Writers – at least good writers – have very few outward techniques. They go inward, seeking honesty and feeling in their words, not their physical manner. When people ask me about my photography, I say picture-taking has helped me to open up emotionally in many different ways.

Photographs have helped me see the world anew, I seek pictures that show emotion, often through animals, color, certain people, nature and light.

I am not looking to alter that balance, I do want to be able to express my emotions more openly and directly, but not necessarily dramatically. Oddly, the slower and quieter I am reading this monologue, the better I feel about it. I don’t really feel I need markers or prompts or tools or tricks. I am trying to be an authentic me, not a dramatic somebody else.

I am a story-teller, and monologues are just another form of story. It isn’t really radically different from what I do on the blog every day. It’s the emotional aspect that is the challenge for me.

I like the idea of riding on the gift of my natural voice. I hadn’t put a name on that approach, Susan said it much better than me, but I think that is the goal. To me, anything else feels fake. And acting is fake in many ways, that’s the idea.

One things I’m learning from this feedback is to be aware of what I am feeling as I am reading. That is beginning to work for me. Many people have said I was reading the monologue but not feeling the monologue. I believe that is true and I am working on it.

I am very grateful for your ideas and thoughts, I hope you will keep them coming., I hear them and am absorbing them. Sought advice is very different from unwanted advice, at least for me, and I thank you.

I’m going to try another monologue later today or tomorrow. I hope you’ll stay with me. I love the idea of avoiding contrived intonational contour. I just have to look it up first and figure out exactly what it means. Thanks, Susan.

Audio: Reading some of my monologue.