The idea of courage has a long and rich history in the civilized world, some of the greatest philosophers and thinkers have tried to define it for centuries.

In my own life, I’ve worked hard to understand who I am, and what it means to have the courage to be me. I’ve spent a lot of my life in fear and delusion.

I wanted to share some of that trip with you, and to see where I am landing. I am eager to write about it.

Plato said that courage is related to that element of the soul which is called thymos (the spirited, courageous element), he thought the idea related to guardians.

Aristotle believed the idea of courage was related to one’s motive for withstanding pain and death courageously, he thought it was noble to do so and base not to do so.

In the Middle ages, the idea of courage was revised,  courage was considered a characteristic of nobility. The knight is a person who represents courage as a soldier and as a nobleman.

Thomas Aquinas, the great Christian philosopher (the 12th century) saw two meanings for courage: strength of mind and virtue. He wrote that courage was strength of mind capable of conquering whatever threatens the highest good.

It was interesting to see that all these ideas about courage came from older men, theologians, not women or anyone outside of Western or Middle-Eastern Civilization that I know of.

It is often about conquering and enduring. But not often about ordinary life.

As women rise in voice and power in our society, I would bet these definitions of courage might change, and be more relevant to many of us. I think they already are.

Perfect courage, wrote Aquinas, was a gift of the Divine. The Hebrews  defined courage as the strength of the soul to win victory in ultimate danger, like the martyrs of the Old Testament.

Courage, then,  was often about physical and psychological strength in the face of danger.

I’ve thought a lot about courage in recent years and what it means to me, whose life was dominated by withering panic attacks for year. I’m fascinated how ideas about courage have evolved, and how they relate to my life.

I never once thought of myself was courageous, I couldn’t imagine how that would be possible for someone who felt so much fear.

But, and over time, I learned that courage was not just about physical bravery, it was very often about overcoming fear, rather than not having any. Those were the most courageous people in my life.

I am not a soldier or a martyr or a devout believer, my experience with courage has to do with living my life in a meaningful way and overcoming fear and confusion. I am not challenged by war, torture or painful illness.

I am drawn to the Stoic idea of courage as a moral choice, the “courage to be.” I found my meaning in a book by Paul Tillich, the spiritual philosopher, the book is called “The Courage To Be.” I am finding the courage to live up to myself, to do good in the way I define it and experience it.

I liked this idea very much, that courage was about being who we are, not how strong we are.

Courage, Tillich wrote, “is the affirmation of one’s essential being, which in spite of desires and anxieties,” creates and includes hope and joy.

Real joy, he writes, is the happiness of a soul which rises above almost every circumstances that life presents. Courage is the strength to be faithful to one’s own true being, despite fears about death or money or disappointment.

I asked a friend how she defined courage, and she said courage was the willingness of people to overcome poverty and hardship and persecution. I said I wondered if she wasn’t confusing suffering with courage.

Is everyone who suffers in our world courageous? Or just trying to survive?

The philosopher Baruch Spinoza (16th century) believed courage was not simply about sacrifice or a willingness to die, but the courage to have an ethical foundation for life.

It is, he wrote, the expression of the essential act of being, namely self-affirmation. The right of the individual to be an individual.

For me, this is my revelation and truth about courage, it is about having the courage to be me, even when many others might prefer me to be someone else. Even if life often scares the hell out of me.

It is about a willingness to seek a moral foundation for my decisions,  to have the strength to overcome self-doubt and severe challenges to understand me, to be me.

To find hope and joy in the world even when I fail, or err, or stumble, even when I faced death.

The big idea for me is that courage means I can – and do – always find hope and joy in life, even when it is frightening, disappointing and painful.

I hear people speaking poorly of life all of the time, because it usually brings so much death,  difficulty and challenge.  Life is hard, I am told, terrifying.

I think courage is the ability to see beyond that. Pain is part of life.

I saw a lot of true courage in my hospice therapy work. I saw men and women experience this hope and joy  and laughter even down to their last breath.  Death did not negate hope for them, it affirmed it.

There is, I think,  a difference between suffering and courage.

The courageous, in my mind, always strive to accept and act according to their true nature, even when it is unpopular or difficult or painful.

I don’t really know how courageous I am, to be honest. I think that ultimately, it isn’t for me to judge that. It is just too self-serving for me to try.

But the idea of self-affirmation is inspiring to me, it gives me both joy and hope.

“Therefore,” writes Tillich, “to act unconditionally out of virtue is the same as to act under the guidance of reason, to affirm one’s essential being or true nature.”