All of my life, I’ve been trying to figure out Christmas. My family, dysfunctional and unhappy most of the year, celebrated Christmas intensely and excessively, a curious thing for a family of first generation Jewish immigrants.

There were literally hundreds of presents around the Christmas Tree (we hid this from my grandmother), an almost desperate effort at assimilation and connection. It was all about gifts, we tried to buy our way in.

My sister Jane and I would scour Providence for gifts for my mother for weeks before Christmas, gourmet treats, kitchen tools, scarves and pins. We got up before dawn to oogle the stacks of presents and wait for our parents to get up. They so wanted us all to be happy.

It was too much, an obsessive and doomed effort by a deeply troubled family in search of a single happy day. It could never have worked.

My first wife did not care to celebrate Christmas, she found it  troublesome, almost offensive. My daughter, now a mother  herself, doesn’t celebrate it either.

Maria and I wrestled with Christmas, a part of me has always wanted to mark it in some ways, but I rejected the excess and hopelessness of my family’s Christmas, and Maria had very disturbing memories of Christmas as her family practiced it. She started getting nervous in November.

She also hates to get a lot of presents.

I am not a Christian, there is always that,  and while I am admirer of Jesus Christ, I do not worship him. It is not really my holiday, yet it is. In our country this  year, the Christmas spirit has taken on special meaning.

This year, we seem to have found a good  balance. We put up strings of lights on the front porch to send a good signal out into the holiday and the dark days. We don’t get a tree, and if I give Maria gifts, it is before and after Christmas, Christmas day is a day of quiet reflection for us, maybe a movie and Japanese food.

Maria, as she evolves, is increasingly at ease with some Christmas, she even, and for the first time, put together a classy and soft playlist, it is playing in the living room right now. It was her idea. A Christmas playlist, I could hardly believe it.

She is performing her first Belly Dance Thursday night in Bennington with her dance group. I have been invited (for the first time) to see her dance and asked to bring my camera. Okay, if they twist my arm. That is a big Christmas gift of sorts, a present to herself of strength and confidence.

I might sneak out and get her something simple to mark that occasion. This weekend, we will pay our annual visit together to Maria’s mother, the only time of the year I see any member of her family, and then only briefly.

When we married, I thought I was getting a family back after all my family troubles, I was eager and naive, but it turns out her family is not interested in absorbing me.

I did not fit in. We have a brief breakfast visit with Maria’s mom, practiced chit-chat, we make sure not to talk about anything  real. Nobody in her family likes that. It’s important for me to go in support of Maria.

This Friday, the Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year, every day after will be brighter and longer. We are having bonfire – just the two of us – out in the pasture at night to mark the day. There will be a full moon to guide us.

On Christmas morning, I’m going to the Mansion to read some Christmas stories and poems and perhaps sing some Karaoke Christmas Carols if there is time. That feels right to me in the spirit of Christmas.

Most of the residents spend the day with their families, it’s the others that need a visit and some hugs.

I’ve made sure the Mansion aides all got their presents and cookies (I brought them a cheesecake today that was ordered from Ferrara’s bakery in New York City and sent to WBTN. They donated it to me and the Mansion aides.) I brought it to Kelly Patrick and the aides tonight, they were stunned and delighted to see it.

Every resident at the Mansion has the socks, leggings, shoes, sweatshirts, hats and  scarves that they need, thanks to the Army Of Good. They all have full stockings and presents and cards. Thanks.

That feels like Christmas also. On Christmas Eve we will have several friends over, they live alone and have no family near the Mansion, we are making our own family.

I’m cooking two pizzas on Christmas Eve. Multi-grain and whole wheat pizza. One pie is pesto, sliced fresh Mozzarella cheese, slicked pears and fresh goat cheese and parsley. The other is a sausage and vegetable (spinach, red pepper, tomato sauce) pizza.

These are good friends, after dinner, we will sit and talk. On Christmas Day, after the Mansion visit with the residents left behind that day,  we will go see a movie about the life of Vincent Van Gogh, and then eat some Asian food. The makings of a tradition for us.

This is the most comfortable either of us has been with Christmas as long as we have been together. Maria and I were broken children when we met, and we are growing up together. I think a part of growing up is shedding  drama and turmoil.

I think the spirit of Christmas is pure and warm and simple. We don’t need to dress up in funny costumes or spend thousands of dollars. We will celebrate our love and the spirit of giving.

A small act of great kindness or two. Some music, some love and  connection.

I will give the animals some extra treats. I want to sit and read with Red and Bud and Fate curled up near my feet. I want to visit with donkeys, read a book, take some photos, maybe with the Pinhole.

For me, Christmas is a spirit, an idea, a way of being. We have separated ourselves from the corporate greed that infects every holiday, and also from the dramas and tensions of family, in our case painful and difficult.

It took a long time, but I think I have shed all of the other baggage around the day. It fits now.

Audio Merry Christmas And Thank You