I believe all dogs are teachers, they challenge us to be better human beings. Red has always been a teacher to me, and never more so than when his own life is in question, as it was this week.
Red is a spirit dog, in every sense of the word, he is, to me, a profoundly spiritual being.
The Kabbalah says that with each experience “we grow and become more aware of the inner beauty that lies within us. Ultimately, we are truly our own leader. We lead the connection and flow of life that is our inheritance.”
I am discovering my inner beauty all the time and working to become my own true leader in a time when that is no longer widely honored or respected. Red’s troubles this week has taken me another step in that direction, as always happens when an animal gets sick or dies.
Another chance for me to grow and learn.
“B” wrote this message to me this morning, we are in a Socratic dialogue about responsibility and I wanted to share it with you, not in anger but with the goal of understanding and learning.
“I am sorry to hear about Red,” wrote B. ” I know you don’t like advice from us dog lovers, but here it goes. You may have done this – but you did not mention it in your blog. I have a Beagle and about every 2 years he goes though the same thing Red is going through. He completely goes down in his back legs and sometimes just has pain in his back. I take Oscar for laser treatments and within 3 treatments he is 90% better. I tried the Acupuncture, but the Laser seems to work on him. Oscar loves the treatments and it really makes him feel better. I know all dogs are different and your vet knows best, but just wanted to share my experience with Oscar. The steroids were terrible – constant drinking and wetting. It is a terrible thing to see your dog not being able to walk on his back legs. I have limited funds and cannot spend thousands of dollars. For $30.00 per laser treatment, I can certainly afford that. “
Reading this letter, I found myself liking B, she seems nice and vulnerable and honest. I wrote her back because I was curious about her. Why, I asked, would she push aside my objections to getting unwanted advice since she knew about them, but dismissed my feelings with a “here it goes.”
Why, I asked, should I take advice from someone who admits quite openly that she doesn’t care what I want or think? And what did Oscar’s lameness have to do with Red, who has had laser treatments on and off for two years, as I have reported on the blog many times.
Why?, I wondered if my vet “knows best,” would she not know about laser treatments (she does.)? And am I really obliged to mention every detail of Red’s treatment on my blog (I have) so “B” can understand what she needs to tell me?
Red did not, in fact, go down on his back legs and there is no evidence of his having any pain in his back. We think he has a fractured spine, aggravated by arthritis from our pony Chloe’s stomping him on his spine.
I am so glad Oscar is feeling better, so is Red, but what does one thing have to do with another? Is every dog the same as every other dog? Is everyone’s dog experience of value to every other dog owner?
I cautioned “B” that her diagnosing the illnesses of animals she didn’t know and has never seen is not an act of love, it seems an act of pure narcissism to me. And it is not ethical or appropriate.
Because it worked on Oscar, then must also work on Red? And why, I wondered, would she think that someone who has had dogs all of his life and written a score of books about them not be aware of laser treatments?
The dog people need to share their own experiences, I’ve never been sure why this is so, but it is true. If you tell a dog lover your dog died, he or she will instantly tell you that their dog died, if you tell them your dog is sick, you will hear about the sickness of their dog. Empathy is transactional in the dog world.
My idea of stewardship is not to play God, but to listen and think. “B” is playing God when she assumes I must need her advice to help Red.
In writing this, I am not trying to belittle “B” or shame her in any way. I’ve done that at times, and I don’t wish to do it again, it never accomplishes a thing. I never blame myself for making mistakes, only for failing to learn from them.
In one sense, it was nice of “B” to think of me and try to help. But there is also a thoughtlessness about this kind of free – and faux – idea of Internet compassion. It is too easy and too free.
For me, this kind of advice is not a kindness.
It is not only not wanted, it can be confusing and harmful. What if I were an 85-year-old man with failing memory and I took B”s advice to heart and got laser treatments for a dog who had no back pain but cancer or neurological disease? That could be the end of a dog’s life. Many people do not know the difference any longer between a trained veterinarian and a dog lover with an online message board. That is not good for dogs.
My vet, who loves science and alternative treatments used together, went to college for eight years and is up to her neck in tuition debt. She spends hours and hours each week studying research reports, examining and diagnosing animals, talking to specialists.
If she needs more information on something, she has continuous access to a vast system of research and authority.
I am reminded when I see her at the end of a day what it is to be drained.
There’s this too. At this point, when we are still fighting hard for Red, I don’t need to be considering Oscar. I’m sure he’s a great beagle. I’m just not interested in him right now.
I told B, who has had, I suspect, a hard life, that she is not responsible for Red and his recovery.
Oscar’s illness has nothing to do with us, her remedies have nothing to do with Reds treatment. It is my vet’s job and my job to help Red, and we both take it seriously.
I am learning how to react to this kind of identity-killing intrusion – identity is an important issue for me in my life. I know now it’s never going to stop, it is human nature. People think that by telling me they know I hate advice, then it’s okay to give it. Can’t argue with that.
I think what bugs me sometimes the assumption that I’m dumb (my teachers used to think that, before Dyslexia was a thing), that I haven’t bothered to learn even the basic remedies available to my dog, to the cavalier dismissal of what it is I want and need.
Really, they have laser treatments now, and acupuncture? And why is it that I should listen to the advice of people who have just proven they don’t care what I want.
That is not nice in my mind.
I often think of Henry David Thoreau, a prophet of identity and individuality. He also did not care for unwanted advice and for the same reason.
He wanted to learn and grow and make his own decisions about life.
So did every great thinker who has ever influenced my life: Emerson, Jefferson, Merton, Arendt, Berry, Mandela, Dr. King.
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions,” Thoreau wrote, “perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.”
I hope B understands that the issue for me is not that I am always right – my life is littered with mistakes – but that I have the right to define my own ideas and try to live by them. That is what individuality is. We have to come to our own minds.
I am learning that I don’t need to be angry or sharp when people send me messages like that, it is not personal, there is no intent to demean me, “B” is not my enemy.
I can learn from these messages, every one of the, and perhaps B will learn to have more respect for the identity and individuality of other people’s feelings.
I have fought so hard for my identity, it was a bloody struggle, and I will never turn it over to anyone else, or share it.
After all, what is more personal than my relationship with Red and my responsibility for him? Could anyone who has never met or seen either one of us really know what we should do?
When did it become acceptable for other people to disregard the boundaries of that sacred space and stomp all over it.
This, I think is what I want “B” to understand, what our dialogue is all about. This is what I feel so strongly about.
In a sense, it’s about responsibility. When my car needs $2,500, it’s no good for me to just whine about the cost of things, my mechanic, Charlie, cares about me and my car. He works very hard for the money.
I am responsible for it, I won’t blame anyone else for the decisions I make.
When “B” insinuates herself into Red’s health issues without my consent or desire, she is unwitting and unknowingly stealing my own sense of responsibility, my own identity.
Perhaps we can both learn something.
I do hear a different drummer. I will step to the music I hear, not the music other people want me to dance to.
When Thoreau had an idea, he did not have to share it instantly with countless millions of people before it had even taken a breath. That was his life, this is mine.
I’m trying to figure it out.
I think I understand where B is coming from. I am often, (as now) tempted to respond to one of your blog entries, as though I was having a conversation with a good friend…and I want to respond. I’m not an advice giver. But I have many friends who are…and I have finally learned that their advice oten originates in something like empathy. They deeply want to help and don’t know how, so they use words. I love words, and I try to use them carefully, but not everyone does and it helps to know that they are just trying to help. You seem to be very sensitive to the implication that you are “dumb” (or helpless)… that’s not one of my triggers, but being told that I am not “helpful” IS. And this post set me off, because although I struggled hard with the temptation to write this…I succumbed! And now I, not you , have to ask myself why. I can assure you that the answer has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I look forward to your blog every day. It has enriched my life in many ways. I would LOVE to have many conversations with you about many things. It’s awfully hard to stay silent sometimes. This time I lost the battle.
Susan, thanks, I don’t see myself as in a battle with you, I see it as one of the conversations you say you would love to have with me. I don’t feel we must agree with each other all the time, or that there is a right or wrong about these things. That’s what I felt when I wrote this piece, and all I can do is be honest about what I am feeling. I am happy when good people like you agree, but that is not always possible. No need for you to stay silent, I appreciate your perspective. A lot of people didn’t like what I wrote about B, you are not alone.
Thanks Jon…just to clarify…the battle is with myself, not you. I am trying to learn that not every conversation needs to include me, not all thoughts need my perspective, and that often people are really talking to themselves, and a m inimal response from me is the most helpful.
Interesting, Susan, I would like to hear more about that….
I was surprised by many of your comments, I thank you for your honesty and civility. I haven’t touched such a deep nerve in a long time. I was surprised. I re-read your comments tonight and shared them with some people I trust, and I just wanted to make a few points.
First off, I do not accept the idea that the piece was “vicious,” or “shaming” or showed I was too frightening to call on the radio. That seems over the top to me, more drama than criticism. I see it upset people as being too cruel, and I am sorry to read that.
I also noticed that no one mentioned what I thought was the entire point of the piece – a discussion of identity and responsibility on social media, where people often feel free to enter one’s personal space and ideas and seek to share responsibility for things that are not theirs.
I have made my feelings very clear and well known and B, by her own words, chose to ignore them.
I have written about this a score of times, and this is the first time the reaction triggered these kinds of comments (although out of this space, the reaction was not like this at all). Either I failed as a writer to make myself clear, which is quite possible, or the piece failed, also possible, or some people didn’t read it all the way through.
There was total emphasis here on how I treated “B” , not a word about identity or responsibility, which was what the headline and the piece were all about. I don’t quite understand that.
I showed the piece to six people I know and trust, including one of my book editors. Nobody thought it was “vicious” or shocking, although several did suggested I had to accept the reality of the Internet, there was no point in fighting it. Since I had written many times about this, nobody was stunned that I wrote about it again.
So something was off along the line, and I will certainly think about it and see if there is something I need to change or think about. My job is to think and to get people to think, and I don’t think it’s possible for everyone to agree with me all the time.
I have often written things people feel are controversial, there are fewer and fewer people writing in this form. I don’t need to be agreed with, but I don’t wish to be harming people. I took great pains not to disclose any part of “B’s” identity, I simply don’t agree this is shaming. It’s disagreement over boundaries and the role of social media in people’s lives. People are responsible for their words, including me.
I do appreciate the you (most of you) felt safe enough to come here and criticize me, that’s the way it’s supposed to work, and to my knowledge, you all survived. Thats also the way it’s supposed to work. I don’t believe in arguing my beliefs online, that’s a kind of poison all its own, but I do respect the comments and the way in which they were made. Thanks. This turned out to be more interesting than I thought. I’m glad we were able to disagree without attacking one another, that’s a hopeful sign.
Re B’s beagle story: It is good, sometimes, to take an offered story simply as a gift from one person who has had a particular experience (a good one for B) with a much loved canine, and simply be appreciative of their desire that your experience will also go as well as it can. That way it’s about the shared interest and love for the canids amongst us rather than about I think/you think. Could save some mental energy for other writing.
Thanks Emily…
A remarkable amount of words spent justifying a vicious response from you, Jon. Sorry, I rarely disagree with anything you post, and this is your blog to curate how you will, but that was a bit harsh. Won’t try to intuit why, but from the outside looking in with what you say and share…just do not see how that diatribe integrates with your message.
Thanks for writing, Michael, I don’t see my piece as rising to the level of “vicious,” to be honest, but I appreciate your directness. It isn’t to me, a digression from my message, it IS my message.
Jon, have some compassion. People care and are just sharing their stories. I thought you were just going to say, “Thank you.” Better for you and your readers.
Thanks Hannah, for me, not so simple. I don’t see this as an attack on a reader at all. I find the issue important and intereseting
No advice for you, Jon. Just my good wishes for you, Maria, Red and the other dogs. I know how intuitive dogs are and I’m sure Fate and Bud know that Red is under the weather. So give them some pats from me and tell them they’re important, too. Fate is so smart I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually understands what you say to her. My brother had border collies for years. They understood the spoken word so well you practically had to speak in code if they were in the room.
Hi Jon. I have been reading your books since 2008. You are a great writer. So, you say you weren’t trying to shame B, but it seems to me that you did just that.
Do you think you shamed her – even if that wasn’t your intent? You say you don’t give advice but you told her what you hoped she learned from you. I believe all we can control in life is our our behavior, our own reactions and our own emotions. We can’t control how others respond to us, right? Shaming (even inadvertently) a woman on a public forum is a way to try to control others to get what you want. From a spiritual perspective, why do you think this same issue keeps happening to you over and over? I believe our biggest triggers are also our biggest soul lessons. Is it possible that B triggered something in you because really- you don’t even have to read any further after “here goes (advice).” Perhaps there is a soul lesson here for you? If I am being totally honest, I almost called the radio show once, but responses from you like this make me decide against it. What if I was just trying to relate to you (find common ground) and your life by telling you a “similar” story about my dog and you responded like this?
Mary, I’m truly sorry you feel this way. No, I don’t feel as if I shamed her at all, I disagreed with what she did. I believed she raised certain questions of identity and responsibility that are very important to me and are critical issues in my own life. I find it sad to think you would be afraid to call a dog talk show with a story about a dog. You clearly haven’t been listening, people do that all the time, we treat one another well. There are lessons for me in everything, soul lessons every day. I like to think I am always growing and changing. I appreciate your feelings, but I must be honest with you. This is what I felt when I got her letter and this is what I wrote. You are in good company here, a number of thoughtful people share your feelings. I will certainly think about these messages, but there are also many people who understood what I was hoping to say, and told me so. This was not personal, I deliberately didn’t use her name. That would be shaming. To be spiritual for me does not mean to avoid honesty and emotion, I am no saint. I think we relate to one another by respecting one another’s wishes and feelings, not by brushing them aside. I do thank you for writing in such a civil and thoughtful way. As of now, I feel good about what I wrote. I don’t expect everyone will or should always agree with me.
Thank you as well for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate an honest, respectful discussion as well even though we disagree.
Me too, Mary thank you, to be honest, this discussion is what I am all about, it is important, it makes all of us think. What is the point of reading me at all if we always disagree? I appreciate your words and thank you.
People simply crave connection. She was attempting to reach out and make a connection with you–not diagnose your dog or suggesting she knew best–just wanting to share a related experience in her own life with something significant going on in yours. I think you must fail to understand the frequent place you occupy in your readers’ attention. It’s the most natural thing in the world to attempt the online equivalent of “small talk.” You may have never heard from her before. But quite possibly your words have been occupying her time and shaping her thoughts for months, maybe even years. Why wouldn’t she want to reach out to you in the only way she knows? Yes, as people we’re all flawed, but you could at least assume she was operating out of neighborly love rather than thoughtlessly violating your boundaries. Sometimes it surprises me how low your opinion is of your readers.
Dale, I have a high opinion of my readers, including B, who was not offended by the piece in any way. That doesn’t meant we don’t have disagreements. Many of my readers like the piece very much, many didn’t. That’s quite normal and appropriate. My job is not to agree with all of my readers, but to think and write things that make them think. I think this discussion is very important and quite healthy. The fact that you disagree with me does not mean you have a low opinion of me. I have the right to seek the boundaries that make me comfortable, people who knowingly cross them can sometimes expect to be challenged. B apologized for doing that, we are good friends and will remain so. She has a good opinion of me, and I have a good opinion of her, as I mentioned in my peace. She-you-are welcome to reach out to me in any way you. I will respond honestly and directly, which she understood completely. I value the place I hold in my reader’s minds, this discussion is what I am all about. Thanks for your message.
dale, I can’t think of a way to show more disrespect to my readers than to never challenge them or disagree with them, as you and others are doing right here. This is not the problem, this is the solution in my mind.
Jon,
I, too think you went over the top in your answer to B. She meant it in a good way. She was just trying to be helpful. Why can’t you just accept her note in the spirit in which it was meant?
Thanks Ellen, I wrote in the piece that B is a good person who was nice and trying to be helpful. I said it quite explicitly, but that is beside the point. The piece was not about B, nor was it an attack on her – she messaged me this morning and she did not find the piece cruel in any way. The piece was about the impact of social media on people who express themselves publicly, and the difficulties people like me have in keeping their own identity and boundaries when so many people just ignore them. B didn’t walk into this, she knew I didn’t want advice, she said so, she did it anyway. Honestly, it is not up you B or you or anyone else to decide whether or not I wish to have the advice and distraction of hundreds of people while I am trying to deal with a sick dog. I don’t need the advice and don’t want it, and the fact that people are nice and well meaning does not give them the right to ignore my feelings and wishes. Of course they are well meaning – nasty people don’t care about sick dogs. That is completely besides the point. I don’t accept the loss of boundaries and identity because the intrusions are well mean. That’s like saying women out to accept being mistreated because nobody meant them hard. The issues are not literally comparable, but the point is the same. Advice confuses me, upsets me, gets into my head. If I don’t want it, people who know how I feel shouldn’t send it. B understood this argument completely and apologized for it, I apologized if I was cruel to her. She said she didn’t feel that I was. The spirit in which it was meant is not significant to me, I do appreciate your writing me, this is an important discussion and thanks for being civil.
morning Jon from the Uk.
I came across your web site after reading one of your books from are local library. it is interesting to follow your journey through life and it feels like i am part of it in some strange way.Some one once told me that over the years different people come into your life and then move on but always leaving part of them with you.Having said that i have just finished reading Finding Faith and Hope in Time . Jon i dont know you but what comes across to me anyway is that perhaps you are closer to God than you realise.Thank you for having the courage to write about your lifes Journey.
Godbless
Harry
Thanks Harry, very lovely not, and it struck home with me. I do feel close to God sometimes, I think more than I might realize. I appreciate your writing me.
I have always appreciated your blog and still do. I can fairly say I’ve grown thanks to your well written thoughts about everything and I totally agree with your opinion about unsolicited advices. I don’t like them and I don’t ask for them, I like to feel responsible for my own life, even if I end up making mistakes. But after reading your post and all the answers, I understood this subject is a trigger for me and, more important, why. Yes, people like giving advices, but why was I listening to them in the first place? Why did they make my angry or irritated? Now, I’ve discovered why. So, thank you again, another of your posts opened my mind a bit.
But I usually don’t like when someone answers you (on facebook or privately) and you use it to make a personal post. Sometimes I felt it like a sort of abuse. Of course you dont’ write the name of your interlocutor and we don’t know who “B” is, although we may know a person named “B” with a beagle called Oscar, but she knows. If I were her I would feel hurt. Ashamed, even. I’m not saying “B” is feeling like that, but it might happen to someone else. Someone more vulnerable. It doesn’t matter what she could have said. She is a single person who shared her life with you and now she is the “target” of an entire blog public, which might say she is wrong (not in the specific case, but it could happen, your voice is greater than hers). This is dangerous. Of course, not here, as the people reading your blog are polite, gentle and don’t usually shame anybody, but this is a thing which can easily get out of hand on social media. I never left a comment on your posts, except once, when I disagreed with you and told you, because I feared to receive the same treatment: an entire post about “me” and what I did wrong and a lot of answers saying how was I wrong (I am being exaggerating to explain myself better). You wrote: what if I were a 85years old with memory loss? What if B (or me) were a person who could be hurt by this treatment? She did want to do good, and she ended up making a mistake. Ok. Now she received a “lesson” about how treating others and you even hope she can learn something. This was patronizing, in my opinion.
I appreciate when you go general, when you explain your point of view withoung going so specific about the interlocutor, who is even unimportant. The important thing is the message you want to deliver to us, not the person who inspired it.
Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language. Lot of love for Red and you all.
Thanks Syl, for this very thoughtful and helpful message, I do hear what you are saying. This singling out makes people uncomfortable, and I understand that. I don’t think as a writer the general essays make much sense without specific examples, and B was not identified in any way. I should say she was in touch with me this morning, we are having a very nice discussion, s he did not find the piece cruel in any way although she prefers not to be so conspicuous ss as to be mentioned at all. She was surprised when I told her about these posts, and read them. She explained why she wrote me, and it made perfect sense to her that I am not ease with people showering me with unwanted advice. She said she wouldn’t do it again but would love to be in touch with me, and that’s fine with me. I said she had nothing to feel badly about, this is how I make my points. Your message, Syl, helps me to understand why some people took my comments as cruel, even frightening. Nobody likes to me single out, I do it for a living, I am used to it. But I think B’s message was essential in my exploring this issue of identity. I will think about your message, I can’t promise to do it differently. I make sure I don’t make anyone’s identity clear and if it is possible to describe something generally without being so specific, I will try to do that. Thanks for explaining this in such a clear and useful way.
Jon, oh Lordy. Conversations like this are the very things that keep me from starting my own blog. You have been transparent regarding your writing, actions, and beliefs from DAY ONE. Anyone who has followed you from the beginning knows this. Sometimes I just sigh, and think, “Can’t we all just get along?” I suppose that is naive of me to even think that’s possible. Sure, sure, disagreement or difference of opinion can move things forward, I suppose. I am being taught that I don’t have to say everything I am thinking and feeling, and that when I do, I can say it with love and kindness. I have not seen you being unloving or unkind. You are fiercely you. I love that.
Thanks Kara, being cruel is not am ambition of mine, but words can be powerful. In our world, it is natural for there to be disagreements, that is not unhealthy in my mind. I have things to think about, hopefully, so do they. On reflection, I feel solid about what I wrote, and I’m sorry the points i was trying to raise didn’t get through. My fault, i am sure. I appreciate your message.
I am surprised that anyone found your piece viscious, I thought you took care in explaining (once again) that you are not looking for advice on Red’s care. Identity is important to me too and at 73 I am still struggling for mine so your original piece resonated with me ona more personal level. I have been to what I think of as the fork in the road with beloved animal companions too, and appreciated friends willingness to listen but my vet was the only one whose advice I sought.
Thanks Anne, I thought about this last night, and I do not think the piece was vicious either. B messaged me this morning and she didn’t think it was vicious either, she got what I was trying to say. We are in good contact. The piece was not about B in my mind, it was about the larger issues of the effect it has on people with ideas when many thousands of people have instant comments. Its not a small thing, and I’ sorry nobody even mentioned it in their comments. But obviously, I did not make myself clear to them. Identity is a fragile thing in our world, I will keep writing about it.
Jon – Did Red have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever as one of his tick diseases in the past? (No advice coming – just curious). I can’t recall and can’t seem to find that old post on it.
Yes, Mary, one of four tickborne diseases he was found to have..came quite close to killing him…
I thought of you when I turned my Farmer’s Almanac page-a-day desk calendar today. It’s about Mark Twain, who apparently received lots of advice from well-wishers for his chronic bronchitis and asthma. He composed this form letter to reply to everyone’s suggestions:
Dear Madam,
I try every remedy sent to me. I am now on number 87. Yours is 2,653. I am looking forward to its beneficial results.
🙂 We all need his sense of humor, Ingrid, including me…
Hi Jon. I too have been a reader for many years. Mostly when you write about things with which I have a difference, I just move on and recognize that as one of your topics. I don[t usually comment since I am aware of your considerable pushback on things that touch on your ” boundaries.” particularly to the point of: your statements about the many people who want to tell their painful stories of loss of pets–While I agree, this would be better left unsaid if one must go on nd on about such a common and painful experience of having to put an animal own. Th however, is th3 responding with a similr story seems like an important part of mpathy. I think, “well I don’t nee to respond to this, knowing your response to that issue so mny times. It wouod be a kinder response, of course, if when folks identify with your loss/situation, they might just make simple statement of recognition and then not go on and on about their situation, etc. Well now, that’ in itself sounsds very much like asvice no matter how well intentioned. I’m glad you interjected the concept of boundaries in this situation. I had not thought about that word when barriers go up about certain issues. I do enjoy your blog for the most part, now consider\ ou and your spouse and animals as
almost more than friends, also the coverage of the Mansion to be very real and interesting. I very much appreciate your
reporting about Red’s situation and the statement you made that you realize how much he belongs to the hearts of readers. I consider my personal response to your writing about your animals as just being a very empathic response on my part for having had such loving pets myself and being emotionally attached to each one. I am a grateful rdader and will continue to “just turn the knob” should I not want to hear your remarks about certain subjects Your blog is an important part of my day (always first thing, with my fiirst cup of coffee). Blessings t you and Maria in your continued loving sharing of your life stories. Listening to your radio broadcast is fun. I listened to other parts of the broadcast day. Thomas is indeed a magician of many voices. You are both exceptional story-tellers of course..