I was achingly responsible today, I wouldn’t take Red to my radio broadcast, I wouldn’t take him to the Mansion for the Karaoke launch.
I did take Red out to the pasture and had him sit down and look at the sheep, so he would feel a part of things and no veg out. Just an instinct I had. I usually break down after a day or two, but he needs more time to rest.
Red did very well today, at least in terms of movement , less pain and eating normally. He is moving very stiffly, and has trouble even climbing a single step, that tells me he is still hurting.
Red is the ultimate stoic, you never know what pain he really is in, at least not most of the time. I knew on Sunday and Monday.
A friend said she saw the panic in my writing then. I don’t think I got to panic, but I was certainly frightened. Red was in awful shape Sunday, Sunday night and Monday morning. He is not in awful shape now, but he isn’t back to normal either.
I worry that he will have a relapse of that awful paralysis, but there is not much I can do about it, other than give him his anti-inflammatory medication, which seems to have helped him.
This was interesting for me, different from my many episodes with sick dogs.
I know Red is getting older, and I know that dogs die when they damn well please, not when I want them to die. I’ve been through it before, this was different.
Red is a very special animal, and he meshes with me in ways I had experienced to this degree – not even with Orson, Rose, Izzy, Lenore, even Frieda the Hell Dog.
But this was different.
For some years, I’ve studied attachment theory, as it relates to dogs and cats and human beings, and as it relates to me.
Dorothy Burlingham, the famed British analyst, and an inspiration to me, wrote eloquently of the attachment a lonely and fearful child can make with animals and animal fantasies, it is often the birth of our deep love for our animals.
The lonely child, she writes, “takes an imaginary animal as his intimate and beloved companion; subsequently, he is never separated from his animal friend, and in this way, he overcomes loneliness…This animal offers the child what he is searching for: faithful love and unswerving devotion. There is nothing that this …animal cannot understand; speech is quite unnecessary, for understanding comes without words.”
We forget sometimes that our love of dogs comes from somewhere, usually out of our own past and emotional history. I think I understand my attachment to Red, perhaps he was a lonely puppy.
I have never been closer to any animal than I am with Red, he is the embodiment of Burlingham’s theory about people and dogs. We really don’t need words.
Red is a spirit dog, he just fuses with me, we are not two things but one thing. He is enormously loved beyond the farm, and I understand that he is not only my dog, he belongs to others as well.
Today, Red looked at me in a normal way, Two days ago, he did not know me or recognize my voice. I have to believe he is declining in health, his eyes are failing him and there is something seriously wrong either with his spine or his brain.
It would be foolish to believe this will all just go away. It will come back in one way or another, will show itself again, perhaps just as suddenly. There is no cure for a condition we can’t quite identify.
I think if Red is sending me any message, it is that he is not yet quite ready to go, but that I need to get ready for him to go.
He has my attention. I will be ready, more so than I was on Sunday.
That is not a morbid thought for me, but a reality check, a chance to get my feet on the ground and keep them there.
One of these days the updates won’t be so cheerful, the outcome not so happy, and I don’t wish to be as surprised or frightened, let alone in a panic. He deserves a human with a clear head and open heart.
When I saw him crawling on his front paws to get to the sheep, I was not prepared for the sight.
I doubt I will be able to fully relax about Red, but I will enjoy whatever time we have left and be grateful for it. No more tests for him, no new medications, no steroids, no specialists, no $5,000- $10,000 tests and procedures.
I want to keep writing about this, if people can stand it, it helps me to get used to the new reality and get a handle on it all. I am thinking Red and I – and everybody who loves him – will be getting some quality time with him.
I will certainly appreciate that. So will the Mansion residents, who were deeply worried about the rumors that Red was dying.
I have no idea how long this will last, neither does anyone else. I’m lucky to have the time. And I’ll keep a Red Journal from time to time, not twice a day, but as often as a thought or idea comes into my head that deserves to live.
And thank you for listening.
(Thanks also for honoring Red by supporting the new RISSE Amazon Wish List. The RISSE After School program needs many things, but the soccer team, now part of RISSE once more, needs shorts to go with the new uniforms we got for them in the Spring. Check the list out, it’s revealing and affirming. I’m glad its back up, there is no better or more direct way to help the refugee children and their families.)
Thank you for sharing Red with us Jon. Your words are a welcome respite in these crazy times we are currently living in.
Jon, I so appreciate your clear and wise manner of dealing with the heart wrenching loss of a spirit animal. We have been lucky to have them in our lives. Yes, please keep writing, please. It helps many of us.
A gentle hug for Red.
Thanks Joanne..
Please keep writing about Red as often as you need to. We are honored to share your thoughts and feelings about him, and many of us who have also loved animals can relate. Peace to you all….
Thank you for this, Jon. I believe many of us are joined in spirit with Red and appreciate that you share him so generously. I feel grateful that you will share whatever journey transpires, difficult though it may be. Heartfelt wishes the journey is peaceful & gentle.
Having a senior dog with failing mobility of an unknown cause and having lost one too young to a sudden illness that took her abiltiy to walk my heart aches for you and Red. Your writing brings a heartening reality to things many of us have or will face with our animals. And your writing honors Red and I hope you will keep at it. Prayers for you, Red and the rest of your pack through this time.
Please keep writing about. It helps me to stay balanced and grounded about Buddy. He is going on 10 now and still doing good even though he has a fractured and compressed Pelvis and his left leg doesn’t fit all the way into his hip joint. The day will come, though, and I appreciate every word you write. Thanks, Lana
If you haven’t heard it, take a listen to “I Want My Dog to Live Longer” by Curtis Salgado. One of my favorite songs that is quite catchy. 🙂
Please continue to share your time with Red. It is meaningful and helpful, and important I feel. Thank you.
Reading your journey with Red, and having lost my Brynne ( red border) last week ( to something similar) has actually helped me in my grieving..like many ( women/men) I have mourned the loss in the past with animals, not shared the joy that I should have until a long time after..this time it has been different and as I read your words I see more and more, it is about celebrating the 12.5 years I had with Brynne, not grieving the time I won’t have.. I haven’t always agreed with everything you have said in blogs previously, but your Red blog has been amazing and inspirational at a time of suffering for Red and yourself/Maria…sorry to make this partly about myself, but not sorry in a way, because I cannot change the course for you and Red, but you have changed my course from last week, from despair to clearer thinking this week..I thank you and I do wish you the best of times, although maybe different, with Red for all the time you have left..
Thanks Christine, a lovely message.
i love this post — even the replies are fabulous! you help all of us with your writing — thank you and very best wishes to you and red and everyone out there.
Jon: Your forthright manner in detailing Red’s decline is helping me deal with my own animals. Thank you.
Keep writing. I know you won’t allow Red to be in too much pain. You will release him when the time comes, but in the meantime, don’t stop memorializing him.
We are all blessed to have you in our lives.
Yes, we can stand it, Jon. You writing about your responsible and loving stewardship of animals helps us all to do and be the same for ours. The thing I’ve learned that has helped me the most is, that we don’t have to be alone in our journeys. There are others whose journeys are like ours. Thank you.
Thank you, Jon, for sharing your thoughts about Red. We have loved and lost several cats over the years and I know how hard it is when they pass no matter how it happens. However, I appreciate you keeping us abreast of Red’s progress. I remember when Izzie died several years ago, and then Rose. It hit me so hard when I read your morning posts. These are not my animals, but, I have grown close to them.
Thank you for sharing about Red; please keep sharing. I’m glad his everyday quality of life is improving. I hope he has more quality time to share his gift of presence with the residents at the Mansion. Will keep praying.
Thanks Linda, I’ll keep at it…
Please do continue to take us with you on your journey with Red. It amazes me that we can communicate freely and openly through this medium. I, for one, feel genuine emotion as I read your posts. As different as we are, we share many emotions. Your emphasis on doing good in opposition to the evil that continues to permeate our country gives me courage daily
The comments from D Burlingham were very interesting to me . When I was very small and an only child my family moved constantly because of my dad’s job . Often we were in town only long enough to live in a hotel for a short time. No time to find a real home. As a result I had no children to play with. I remedied this by adopting an imaginary friend. He was a wolf named Loop and he wore a big red bow around his neck . He went everywhere with me, especially when I was afraid ! Hmmmm….. keeping you , Red , and the whole Bedlam Farm Gang in my thoughts.
Thanks, Vicki…