Emma rarely sees a photograph of herself that she likes, but she likes this one, mother and daughter huddling in the cold in a windswept apple orchard.
It was, for me, a stirring image. I often think of myself as not having a family, yet there are this extraordinary people not too far away, yet very far away.
And she gave me permission to put it on the blog. I used to put photos of Emma up all the time and it bothered her. The reporter in me never asked for permission, but the human in me now does.
I always ask people for permission to take their photos, in my grandiose period some years ago, I often didn’t.
She always thanks me for asking, she is not quite past it.
I’m her father, of course, and she is always beautiful to me, as is her daughter Robin.
Emma and I talk often about my coming down to New York City more often, to see her and to see Robin, but it a complex thing for me to do, given the way my life is structured.
She wants me to be involved more in Robin’s life, but I will be honest, it’s difficult to see a path in that. Sometimes I just feel stuck in the issue, we go back and forth, we never quite get anywhere.
I admit to having some emotional issues with the grandfather thing. I will be 80 when Robin is 10, and how close can we possibly be given that I can only see her two or three times a year?
I recognize that this is another version of my old moat complex, where I lived in a castle for years with a moat, and nobody could ever get close except for people who should never be close.
But there is also some reality to it, and I have had bitter lessons in life about how to accept life rather than deny or fight with it.
I am just now learning how to choose the people I should be close to and the people I should not be close to.
How curious it is in my life how poor my judgments of people have often been, no wonder I have had so many struggles over the idea of friendship.
I love Emma and Robin very much, but we have rightly chosen our own very different paths in life, and it is no easy matter for me to leave the farm, my blog, my Army of Good work, my doctor’s appointments, my book deadlines.
New York is always an expensive trip, no matter how you go and I have some substantial expenses coming up. None of this is an excuse or reason not to go see my daughter or my granddaughter, and I will figure out how to do it.
I would rather that people not write me and send me scolding messages about how wonderful it is to be a grandfather. This is not something I’m seeking advice on. I have to figure it out.
I am very proud of Emma, in her work and in her life. She is the most wonderful mother, loving and patient and intuitive. She is very successful in her work, like Freud said, love and work…
I sometimes think I must have done something right in all of those troubled years.
I love this photograph, the love in it leaps out of the image. Lucky mother, lucky child. Lucky me.
My great-grandparents were around when I was born, and while 3/4 of them passed on by the time I was 8, I still have memories of the time I spent with most of them. And for those I don’t have personal memories of, I love seeing the pictures of us together, so clearly adoring each other and having fun in those moments. I’m glad they knew me, and that I knew them, even if it was briefly, and feel connected to them even many decades later. This doesn’t change the logistics of your life or theirs, of course, but the relationship isn’t futile and will have resonance well after you’re gone.
Your honesty is so refreshing. We are all on a journey and what is important in your path is you are a seeking your own truth. We really can’t ask for more from ourselves than honesty. As I age I find it easier to seek clarity in all that has been said and done. No dwelling on what cannot be changed but seeking to understand how I now show up in the world . I too find solace and wonder in my little rescue farm and appreciate your tender observations. You are where you are supposed to be as long as you have an open heart and curious mind. Love and grace to you and yours.
Jon, you must develop the relationship that is right for you, Maria, Emma, and Robin. Many people are inside this circle, not just you and Robin. Believe me, Robin will know the real you from the interactions that you DO have, as well as through photos and writing. To spend planned and allotted time with a child results in the true building of a relationship; visits under duress bring out the worst in all parties. Trust your own heart and intellect!
The love and good memories await those of us who are fortunate enough to have children ask us to share time with their family. Each of us try as we can to make the time. I too am challenged with visiting my first grandchild. The best of life for us all.
Interesting Bev, and thank you. I an’t say it is the best of life for me, my own life is the best for me. I love Robin, but I don’t care to make the most overwhelming thing in my life. It’s just not how I feel, she has her life and I have mine, and I hope we are important to one another.
Hi Jon,
Just wanted to add that I am in ( near) Toronto and my grand kids are in Seattle. They are now 17 and 14 and we have , since they were born, only seen each other 3 or 4 times a year. When they were little, I would spend a few days there every few months and they would all visit once a summer. My circumstances are different-I was able to stay several days at a time, but the small appearing amount of contact has resulted in a very meaningful and close relationship with them. Even at the rate you see Robin now, when she is 10 I am willing to bet that you will have a real and meaningful relationship with her. And while they are by no means the center of my life-I have a perfectly good life, -I am very glad I made that effort. I like you did not expect much at first but this is what happened. Relationships with grand kids are as individual as any others. I say you are doing just fine. P.S. Do not be misled by my email addy-my cello students often used to call me Mamacello and it eventually morphed into Grammacello!