Helen Keller once said that the most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision. This makes sense to me, but I cherish both sight and vision, and am working hard to protect the vision in one of my eyes, the left.

My eye surgeons are wise to me now, they call up  big and detailed photos of my eye up on their huge computer screens and run them by me; “would this one be good for your blog, it is quite detailed.” They also offer to show my eye in red, yellow or blue.

They told me no one has ever asked to photograph their eyes before. Well, I said, most people don’t have a hungry blog.

At first they thought my requests to photograph my eye photographs were strange, now they are into it.

We all agreed this latest black and white shot of my left eye, taken just before some intensive laser surgery, was the most dramatic and revealing.

The sight of my eye this way always shocks me, but there is something eerily beautiful about it for me.

I love the vessels spreading out through the eye. You can see the problem to the right of the dark cloud in the center, these are leaks from blood vessels that cause a swelling in the eye. A war zone.

And it looks like one of those grainy, black-and-white military war videos up there, a firefight, you can almost see the bombs bursting and exploding.

When I first came to these retinal specialists, this swelling was across part of the  retina, and the tops of letters were beginning to disappear when I read books or pages or blog posts.  I was frightened, as a writer and photographer, I value my sight.

The doctors said 10 or 15 years ago, I would almost surely have become blind in at least one eye.

i have come to appreciate my own discomfort with drama, this is definitely in the category of “life happens,” and it happens a lot worse to many people much of the time.

Even from this photo, I can see the battle still raging over there near the center of my eye. The doctors say we will keep beating it back, but it will be a struggle, and require some work. My eye is eerie, complex and mysterious. It doesn’t look anything like it does from the outside, there is so much happening in there.

After two laser surgeries, one this afternoon, the swelling has been reduced and has moved away from the retina, which is in the center left. The photograph does not show  the results of today’s surgery, we don’t know if it was successful.  i will almost surely need more surgery in a f ew months, and be tested often.

The procedure was not painful, but it was uncomfortable and draining. They numbed my eye, injected me with yellow dyes and dilated my pupils, which made the light blinding. It wore me out.

The doctor glued my eye open to a special lens that kept it open during the surgery. It was a challenge to stay still, I think the surgery took about 15 minutes. Back in several months for more. The glue kept sticking, and it didn’t get back to normal for awhile.

Having a numb eye is new to me, and like most people, I don’t like people poking things in my eye.

Maria came into the examining and surgery rooms with me, and drove me home. I was blinded by the eye dilation and oozing numbing medications. I missed my eye patch, they ran out. I could never have driven home by myself.

I  was, of course, reading about vision in the waiting room, everything is a gift, and everything a lesson. Getting older is about many good things, and one thing that isn’t always a good thing is that some parts begin to wear and need care. I am allergic to old talk, but neither to i wish to hide from aging.

Vision has nothing to do with sight, but vision helps me to appreciate my life when I sometimes feared these past few months that I would be losing my sight. The doctors seemed genuinely alarmed at first.

If my life has meaning at all, it is in my vision for living it, not my sight. This surgery is humbling. Nietzche said the visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others. I keep studying these amazing photographs to see where my swelling cloud has gone. Away from the retina, get away. I know what to look at now.

Helen Keller also said we should hold our head high, she had brilliant vision but no sight.

She said she always looked the world straight in the eye.

Early on in this process, a doctor told me there was a good chance I would eventually go blind because of these vessel leaks and swelling, they would eventually cover the retina in one eye, then the other.

I do not think I will go blind now, there are some new – the doctors call them “miracle” drops – that I put in my eyes four times every day. They have reduced the swelling.  My eye, said the doctors, is resilient and  seems bent on seeing clearly. It is winning the battle of the vessels for now.

One of the surgeons said the idea was to force the hemoraghing vessels to “behave,” an odd term, I thought. Do we think they have a conscience?

You put your chin on a curved platform, the eye is held open, and blinding lights come shooting into your eyes, like the newer video games.

The new medicine, taken by eye drops and injections, reduces the swellings.The laser treatment cauterizes the leaks and contains them in a small place, captures them in a way and contains them.

My vision in the left eye is now 20/20, and the doctors are  happy about that. But I will need to work to keep it there, I will  have to monitor my eyes and continue these treatments my whole life. I will no longer take such a precious thing as sight for granted.

This sometimes makes me see the world in a new  way as is true for people with serious sight impairments, or who are blind. They seem to see a lot more than many people with good sight. They learn to use all of their senses, and they need to think a lot.

For awhile, I was wondering how I could look the world straight in the eye if I had no sight.

But I get it now. We almost all have sight. Vision is harder to come by, and it has nothing to do with sight. There is wisdom in everything if I can open my eyes and ears to it.

My eyes will do their work, we will work together. All in all, I am quite lucky.

I am grateful that my left eye is looking the world straight in the eye.

The world is looking right back.