The Bionic System

Maria woke up with an angry face this morning, and if you have ever live with an artist, you know that is a bad face to be around. She was in a pure black mood, irritable, snarling, complaining bitterly about the world. Her work was no good, no one cared about it, she would never sell it.

This is from an artist who sells just about everything she makes the second she offers it for sale. I do know there is no rationality in this argument, it comes from a deep and irrational place. I just try to stay out-of-the-way, mutter as many platitudes as I can. “yes, dear, you are probably right, dear, of course dear.”

Artists have fierce tempers and unpredictable dispositions. Anything can set them off.

I tried everything – smile, cajole, jokes. Good news rolled in. Our friend Susan Popper sold her house in Long Island and is moving to the country (yes!), a friend of Maria’s bought the new  house she wanted, another friend, a musician, is lining up music gigs every where and I sold four of my photographs this morning on Maria’s etsy page. Ed Gulley and I had our first fight over the phone and it was fun.

Nothing worked.

Finally, I went to extreme measures. We had just stopped down at the Post Office, Maria was sending out some of the art she never sells to different places all over the country. I said “what about some ice cream,” and she spluttered,  hissed and grumbled that she had done nothing today, she should be working, there was no time. What a ridiculous idea. But she didn’t say no, which I took for yes.

So we set out for Bennington in the middle of the day and headed for Billy T’s Northside Bar, the best ice cream around. (They also have pretty good Lobster Rolls.)

Maria  is a sucker for sweets and treats, she loves ice cream, she continued mumbling but went along with the ride and warned me not to try to hold her hand or touch her. Sure, I said softly.

Okay, she said, but I have no business doing this. She grumbled all the way, stopping only to glower at me when I opened my mouth, or  roll her eyes if I said something stupid, or if I failed to be appreciative of something she was saying, or respond quickly enough. Silence is no alternative. There is no escape from Maria on the warpath.

Most of the time, she is sweet as cane sugar, but when she loses it, she loses it.

I was desperate. I know her weak spots.

“Listen,”I said, “ice cream has fructose in it, and fructose goes right to the Bionic Nerve System, which controls the flow of blood to the side of the brain that regulates happiness and mood. Five minutes after you eat your first scoop, the Bionic system will spring to life and push enzymes to the brain and you will start feeling better.”

My deadpan was good, but the statement was so ridiculous I could hardly keep from laughing out loud. I had mumbled the last few words in the hope of confusing her, and she saw it was ridiculous, but she must have bought a little bit of it, because she burst out laughing.

The thing about Maria is, she knows this is bullshit, but if she likes the idea of something, even if she knows its not true, it often works. When she can sleep at night, I just tell her a story of baby animals, and she is in a deep sleep before I can even finish. She likes to think the baby animals are there, even if they are not.

Five minutes after the first lick, I said, you will start to feel better.

We got to Bennington without my getting hurt and went up to the stand to order two small cups of ice cream. I think she got vanilla, but I’m not sure.  I kept on talking about the Bionic Nerve System, and she kept laughing when I did. For some reason, the sound of it made her laugh.

Five minutes after she started eating, she broke out into a smile or two, the lines from her face began to vanish, the angry face morphed briefly into the sad face, and then to the beginning of the happy face, above.

She muttered and grumbled and glowered and groaned a few times but the time we were home, she was herself, smiling, laughing, tell me endless stories about animal traits she is reading about.

Maria was back.

The Bionic Nerve System had done its work.