Saturday brought a shocking thing to me, my relationship with Fate was momentarily broken, she nearly lost her life running into the road for the first time, she ran from me, refused to obey even the simplest commands, and sparked a bout of rage and anger in me that shook me and awakened me.
I have long had what I call a sacred contract with my dogs, a part of it is that I treat them well and lovingly, train them carefully, and they listen to me, stay out of the road, respect our relationship, honor my work.
I work hard at this, and not to overstate it – I dislike drama – it was a jarring and troubling thing for me, I do make my living writing mostly about dogs.
Some people blamed Gus for this meltdown – of both of us – some suggested it was the Full Moon. Fate ran all over the farm to get away from me, I chased her, yelled at her, hit her on her backside, chased her into her crate. I surprised myself, and not in a good way.
On careful reflection, I thought my behavior was unacceptable, I have always known there is anger in me, I usually keep it far away from the dogs. Seeing Fate nearly killed while I chased after her shouting helplessly was a kind of nightmare for me, an image from another time and place. She lost control, and I did too.
I needed to take responsibility and set it right, whenever there is trouble like that, it is almost always the fault of the human, dogs are simple souls, they react, they do not plot or calculate. People do.
This was not the end of the world, it was an episode, not a new reality. I am only too human, and I never forget that.
I trust Fate and love her and I believe she trusts me and loves me. That bond was broken Saturday, I needed to restore it quickly and thoughtfully. She is a strong and grounded dog, we had a strong relationship to fall back on, I could hopefully move right past it.
So I got up early and went to work with Fate. I cleared my head, and sat and meditated, made sure I was calm.
I set some goals. We would move slowly, stay calm, return to basic obedience work, which has been so successful with her and my other dogs. I had her sit, stay, lie down, rewarded her with treats, gave simple commands and was close enough to make sure she would hear and understand them.
I wanted us to reconnect in the very healthy, even joyful way that marked our relationship. I did it in slow and simple steps, to rebuild confidence and response.
I took her out alone and into the pasture, where I had her lay down near the sheep, and then left her alone there to settle. I brought Red out to lie down near her to keep her calm. When a car pulled in, and she started to get excited, I threw some treats on the ground and had her walk with me, back towards the sheep.
I acknowledge that this is a dog that needs to know who is coming to the farm, see them, smell them, greet them. It is an important part of who she is. The challenge was not to forbid it, but to manage it and control it.
When the people in the cars parked them and got close to the gate, I opened it and let her rush out to greet them. Then I called her back and she came. She was calmer than Saturday, it seemed to me Gus was not the culprit, neither was the Full Moon. I was.
She seemed to realize once more that she could welcome people without running wildly out to them in the road, that was always her way. So I knew it was an ingrained behavior, Saturday was the aberration. We just had to re-wire it.
When you lose it with a sensitive dog like that, they will often melt down, and when I look into the eyes of my dogs, I often see myself in the mirror. The better I am, the better they are.
Fate was responding to me well, the calmer and clearer I was, the calmer and more responsive she was. She showed no signs of anxiety around me – her tail and ears were up, she didn’t hesitate to follow my commands. The treats were calming, so was my voice and demeanor.
I began to wonder if perhaps I was more anxious about our Open House than I realized, and she had picked up on that, as sensitive dogs do. The Open Houses are important to us, we work hard on them, they are wonderful but they are, in fact, stressful.
Hard to know, since I couldn’t really see myself, but I know I didn’t like my response Saturday or the taste it had left in my mouth. Fate had punctured my big ego as well as my trust and confidence in her. That was my problem, dogs don’t have sensitive egos.
Command by command, minute by minute, the old trust and communication returned. The foundation work we have done paid off. She settled, greeting newcomers, but calmly and affectionately, not wildly or out of control. I called her to the “house” several times – she hesitated once – and then came.
I praised her and she was pleased.I had re-opened our communication channel. We were talking to one another, I was clear on my intent and she understood it, our kind of visualization.
I felt better about myself and more in command. Maria asked if we shouldn’t keep her on a leash, but I said no, I needed to trust her again and she needed to trust me. I didn’t want to leave it this way. She stayed outside almost the entire day and scores of people came and went. She never once went near the road, she obeyed every calm and clear command I gave.
She visited people, crawled into their lap, gave them kisses, greeted them and lay by the pasture gate waiting for work.
She played with Gus a bit and by mid-day, the echoes of the previous day were gone. Fate had returned to herself and to me, and I had once again become the kind of dog owner I wanted to be, and was proud of being.
We are all human, we all make mistakes, I’m not going to spend too much time beating myself up about it, but when a beloved dog nearly pays for my mistakes with his or her life, I’m going to take it seriously.
Fate is back, and that is good news for me. I will try to stay humble and remember the lessons I learned. When there is trouble with a dog, always look first and hard at myself. They are simple souls.
Beautiful work for the dog and the soul. That is what we are here for. Isn’t it. Thank you for showing us the process what being human is all about. Love this.
Maybe you were additionally stressed because you were feeling anxious about the heart murmur news you had just received– and that stress was also transferred to Fate.
It’s possible, Nancy, dogs are very sensitive to our emotions.
Most things that dogs do are instinctive and since we humans no longer have those instincts (maybe we never did have them), it’s no wonder that some of the things they do seem abnormal and frustrating. We’re thinking in human terms and they are behaving in dog terms, so naturally they’re going to drive us nuts sometimes. But don’t feel badly, Jon. I’ve always believed in positive reinforcement training, whether that reinforcement is food, toys or play. But sometimes the dog needs a correction and I see no harm in a gentle smack on the rump to get their attention. Let’s face it, if one dog corrects another, the dog’s method of correction would be much more forceful (and painful) than what you did. I think the reason so many trainers are against any type of punishment is because they worry that someone will go too far and physically hurt their dog. And when that person is questioned about what they did, they’ll say “Well, Trainer X told me to do it this way” or “The book written by X says it’s OK”. So rather than take a chance on someone going too far, they take the position that no one should ever do anything. I’m all for the “praise the good behaviors and ignore the bad ones” approach to training, but if the bad behavior involves running into the road, that is something you don’t ignore. You’ve raised some awesome dogs, Jon. Everyone, dog and human, is entitled to a bad day. Dogs let go of the past and move on. Maybe that’s why they never get ulcers! I’m sorry I couldn’t get to the Open House, but I will make it there. I’ve promised myself that. All the best!
Dearest Jon and Fate, great gratitude to you for sharing this harrowing experience and for acknowledging for all of us, who have particularly raised and trained working dogs. “They are simple souls”. I too find it difficult in a moment of panic, not to give confusing signals. It is truly what makes us human and able to correct our behavior so that our dogs are clear and settled in what we expect.
I love platitudes. Here are a few that come to mind in this instance:
As the Scots say, “Dinna fash y’self”
As Oprah says, “When I know better, I do better.”
And as every dog knows, “Shit happens.”
Fortunately, dogs don’t hold grudges.
Good human, Jon. Good human!
Hurray! 🙂 🙂
Jon, this was your best work yet! Thanks for sharing. Linda Russell
HMMMMM.. I seem to recall losing it exactly like that when ever one of my 4 children did something that could kill em( as in running to the road)…Might be something like loving that is the problem…
Pat, I’m not sure it’s comparable, really dogs are quite different than kids. But I think you have a point..Somethings just are too scary for calm.
I love that you saw Fate’s behavior as a reaction to your own stress…I think that shows a real connection to her, and to how dogs operate in general. I know that when I am in a bad mood, I often see it reflected back in the way dogs react to me. And once I become calm, so do they. Thanks for his post…it is a good reminder to us all, I think.