I love taking photos of the posted signs around  here, they speak of the power and meaning of boundaries, something that comes up often, in my life, my blog, my work and friendships.

I have had serious issues with boundaries for much of my life, and have paid attention to them in recent years. The more I understand them, the better my life is, the fewer people I hurt, the happier I am, the stronger my own identity.

Boundaries have never been more important than they are now, when conventional ideas about individual space and privacy are being washed away by powerful new technologies like this one and a society whose government and businesses are obliterating the real life connections between human beings.

Every day, my boundaries and the boundaries of countless other people are being breached or discarded.

According to psychologists, this matters. A boundary  helps to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach. It also defines as well as the pieces of oneself that we give away to others. These include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.

Some people get upset or angry when people like me seek to set personal boundaries. They see it as standoffish or unreasonable or grumpy and self-serving. The violation of other people’s boundaries at home and work is now built into the tools of our social media and work and personal lives.

I see boundaries differently from many. To me, boundaries are  essential to self-respect and to mental  spiritual and creative health.

In my mind, setting boundaries is not about pushing people away, it is quite the opposite. It is about letting them get closer in a safe and healthy way.

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. They support independence.

I do not dislike getting mail and messages from people, quite the opposite, I find many of these messages inspiring, useful,  uplifting, and sometimes challenging in the healthiest of ways. Boundaries are not about cutting other people off. They are about knowing how to let them in.

For those – people like me – who have been violated in their lives, boundaries are essential to feeling healthy and secure. Boundaries are the way in which I set limits, find my identity and individuality, preserve my integrity, and most importantly, to take responsibility for my life.

This once sounded like Dr. Phil jargon to me, more socio-feel good blather. It is more than that.  Boundaries are how I stand in my truth, and take control of my life.

Andrea Matthews, a psychologist writing in Psychology Today, wrote this about boundaries:

“..boundaries are not meant to keep others out as much as they are meant to keep us in. That is true because when others are violating our space in some kind of way, it also means that we have not been able to define where they stop and we begin in some kind of way…For the most part, the whole point of having boundaries is so that we can contain ourselves within the parameters of where I stop and others begin.”

There are no fixed and easy rules about boundaries. In response to an earlier piece about personal space and social media.

 

I do have my own rules.

1. I don’t tell other people what to do. 2. I do not ever offer advice that is not requested, or assume I know better than other people what is good for them. 3 I do not try to “save” other people, only myself. 4. I do not confuse “love” with worry, not with people, not with dogs. 5. I share my life, I do not give to others.6. I do not argue my beliefs with strangers. 7. I do not label people, or hate those who disagree with me.

People who need what I write will take it and consider it, people who have no need of it will move on, and should.

This dialogue we are having about boundaries is not offered in anger or judgment, although many people are offended and upset by it.  There is this growing feeling in America that public people who put themselves out there, a term I  have come to hate,   deserve whatever they get, since they are not considered to be humans with feelings.

I write this in humility, knowing I am flawed and also pissing in the wind. The world is moving another way, especially on social media destroyers of boundaries everywhere. I am howling in the dark.

No one reading this can possibly have shattered more boundaries that I have in my life, or harmed more people in the process. Setting boundaries and articulating them is not meant as an argument or controversy, it is one of the foundation blocks of my own learning and growth as a human being.

A person who cannot respect or set boundaries is broken.

When someone tells me that I am “asking for it” when I take photos or write about my life,  or is furious with me for writing about this, I feel badly for them, because they do not understand what a boundary is or how important it is. And they obviously don’t have boundaries.

I feel badly for me also, because anger is never any fun, but I have come to feel stronger each time I speak out, I am defining my own identity and dignity and self-respect, and that is how boundaries are built and take root, and that is why boundaries are so important..

My identity is important to me, I have fought for it my whole life, I do not take it for granted.