I was treated for chronic anxiety for 30 years, and became a valium addict in the process.
My panic attacks were so severe and debilitating, they often derailed my life. My anxiety is mostly gone, echoes of the past, a show more than a presence. I rarely have panic attacks any longer but I had a severe one in the middle of last night.
I am surprised to tell you that the panic attack was a modem terror, an odd thing to have me sweating and sleepless and shivering at 2 o’clock in the morning.
I got a new modem in the mail from my new Internet Service Provider, Spectrum (which bought Time-Warner). Spectrum is owned by AT&T and pretty soon, one company – Amazon probably – will own all of it. The company contacted me recently to tell me that there was a new pricing system, and get this: my Internet signal would be strengthened, my bill lowered as part of their new pricing plan.
All I had to do was receive my new model, install it myself, call the company to activate it. It would be simple. I agreed to this plan, but it unsettled me from the first. Big corporations don’t just lower rates and give away improved service, do they? And the cardinal lesson I have learned about new technology is that usually when companies assure me things are simple, that is a sure sign that catastrophe looms just around the corner.
I started to have images in my head, and dreams at night about disconnecting my modem, installing the one, and finding my work and creative life shut down – no sending of chapters to my editor, no blog, no posting photos about Gus, the Mansion the Refugees, so much of my life frozen while some giant company told me a technician would get to my farm in a few days.
For my work and writing, three days is a lifetime.
I have been dealing with technology, and well, ever since I bought my first Apple computer more than 30 years ago. Steve Jobs helped enable my creative work from writing to photography. I have not had a true panic attack in some years, and why now, and why over this?
Somehow, the threat of losing my working modem has terrified me, Maria is urging me to try to install it today, but frankly, I’m just too frightened, even terrified, I’m embarrassed to say to try it, especially with my birthday coming up on Tuesday (we’re going to the track on Wednesday, this is my birthday gift).
I have this image in my head of the modem not working, wading through the Spectrum phone tree, arguing for a technician to come in one day rather than three. And my entire creative life, for which I have worked so hard, and is so precious to me, is shut down. And Maria’s too, my Wi-Fi is her Wi-Fi, the one modem serves both of us.
So she couldn’t sell her art, and I couldn’t write. Yoiks.
And this for a company giving me better Internet service for less money Am I delusional? Regressing? Suffering from Tech PTSD? Past ghosts looming up? I know I am mentally ill, and perhaps need to be reminded that people like me are never fully cured, we just learn how to cope well. The beast is always lurking in there, it was just sleeping and waiting for a new modem to arrive.
I think one of the great lies of our time is “oh, this should be simple and work fine.” It does not happen that way a lot more than it does happen. It is almost never simple and quite off works quite poorly.
I think the vulnerability has come from the fact that the blog and the work on it seems more urgent than before. In addition to the stories about my life and animals, there is the work of the Army Of Good, for the refugees and the Mansion. But I must not succumb to that kind of panic or loss of perspective.
The world will survive, and perhaps even be improved, if I am quiet for a couple of days until a tech person arrives.
And what about the possibility that the modem will actually work, that I’ll plug all of the right things into the right holes and the modem will be activated quickly and I’ll have a better Internet service for less money?
It’s possible, isn’t it, even if I don’t quite believe it? Maria is urging me to do this today, and I think she is right. I learned the long and hard way that the best approach to panic is to confront it and look it right in the eye. I want to move forward, not fall backward.
I’m going to close my eyes and do it this afternoon. One thing I learned is that is much more frightening to hide your fears than to confront them and bring them out into the open.
So this afternoon, I’ll disconnect the old modem and install the new modem and try to have it activated over the phone. I will either be right here posting tonight or offline for a day or so until someone from Spectrum gets here. Either way I think the world will still be revolving around the sun when it’s all settled.
But do me a favor, and pray for me, just in case.
Jon, do you have access to The Geek Squad or something like them? We’ve had to call them in several times when our cable company decided to “upgrade” some part of our system – and both my husband and I are very computer savvy!! To say that we feel like idiots when this happens is putting it mildly. We are still trying to wade thru a new universal remote that we needed to access our DVD player when the cable company made a change in our system! Don’t panic; there is always help available! (But I can certainly understand your discomfort over having your system down – we went 27 days without cable after Hurricane Sandy and that included our WiFi, TV, telephones, etc.)
Jon, my prayers are with you. I know panic attacks too well. Yes, we have to “go to the dark side” and face this horrible attack. As you said, the world will still be revolving around the sun when all is settled. Linda Russell Volo, IL
Hi! Jon
Slow down. Take a deep breath. I worry about you trying to do too much. Hope the new modem will be ok. Pat B ?
I’m a retired engineer. If the new modem fails, I’d swap the old one back in until the technician shows up. It should be a matter of 3 connections: a coaxial (round) cable to the cable system, a rectangular connection to your router (looks like a fat version of a phone jack) and an a/c power source. Before disconnecting your current working setup, take some digital photos of how it is connected so you can fall back to this if needed. And power off all the devices before disconnecting anything!
Good Luck.
Yeah, I’m familiar with those famous last words: “Oh, this should be simple and work fine.” If we don’t see you ever again…we’ll always have the Great Arctic Library Tour of January 2011 to remember you by! You survived that and you’ll survive this, I’d wager. In any case, if something goes wrong, you can blog for days about the results of that five hour phone call to people who are sitting up in the middle of the night on the other side of the world waiting for your call, script in hand! 🙂
When I had a similar situation the most helpful thing I did was to go into settings and print out all the incomprehensible data under the modem settings. I also took a picture of my existing set-up before I disconnected it. When the inevitble technician began to trouble shoot for me and started asking questions that were gibberish to me, I had the answers on my printout. Good luck.
Oh Jon I know exactly what you mean, although I believe that you are far more experienced with technology and me, for instance, my son called in yesterday and I told him that my wireless keyboard had stopped working, I have it because I can’t touch type on my new laptop properly, ‘have you checked the batteries?’ he said, I told him that I didn’t know it had batteries. It was one of those moments when he heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes heavenward!!
Don’t feel badly! I have to get the new Time Warner/Spectrum modem too and have held off ordering it because I am afraid I won’t be able to connect everything! Let us know how it goes!
It’s no big deal, Andrea, I’d go for it..it’s quite fast..
Dear Jon,
I rarely say this to anybody about what they may be feeling, however in this case I’m pretty sure that I know exactly how you are feeling about installing your new modem by yourself! I understand that terror! However nothing is the end of the world, except the end of the world. I am confidant all will be well.
I am wishing you the best for a smooth installation and a very Happy Birthday with Maria on Tuesday.
From Fran
Thanks Fran…
Those of us of a certain age, I’m 73, have learned that when it comes to new technology, “easy,” “simple to install,” and “new & improved” is a recipe for disaster. It made me smile to read that I’m not alone with techno fears! But your life is so much more wrapped up in online connections than most of ours, so I wish you total success in installing that new modem!
Shirley, I love your message, but I reject all forms of old talk. This has nothing to do with age, I have many young friends who have the same issues every day. Thanks for the good words tho. I don’t associate this with getting older, I was the same way when I was 20. I think old talk kills.
Glad you are getting it done now rather than on the day of the eclipse … you might’ve thought “UhOh”!
PRAYING!!