The other day, I wrote about the death of Herman, a resident of the Mansion Assisted Care Facility. I was touched by his daughter’s description of him as a “special angel” on the way to heaven, and I said I couldn’t imagine my daughter or anyone else describing me in that way.

Yesterday, I got a message I loved from a good friend named Dee. She wrote “you ARE an angel here on earth doing God’s work in your own way perhaps an angel in a wolf’s dressing, but doing angelic things nonetheless…So spread those wings, Jon, you have just begun!”

It was a great message and it had me laughing.

Some people might not like it. This is a friend telling me I am part wolf. I have always believed that everything people say about me, good or bad, is true, it is true to the people saying it. And I knew just what Dee meant, it was perceptive, and I will be the first to admit, true.

I would not really like to be a special angel, it is too one-dimensional, it would make me nervous. And I’m just not a good as Herman was.  I don’t really wish to be all wolf either, but I do like the mix. The way I see it is that I am part-wolf and would like to be part special angel, I’m not there yet.

I am a former journalist who worked for some of the most wonderful newspapers in the country, I was an executive producer at CBS News, a wolf’s den if ever there was one.

I have published more than a score of hard cover books for two of the best publishers, Random House and Simon and Schuster. in the world’s toughest and most competitive publishing environment.

I have navigated my way through divorce, a dozen or so moves, a savagely dysfunctional family,  the collapse of journalism, the age of the layoff, disastrous encounters with the educational system,   innumerable palace intrigues, corporate shake-ups, publishing upheavals, bankruptcy and sometimes ravaging mental illness, open heart surgery and at least a couple of months of Donald Trump.

And I understand that good works and good deeds are inherently selfish in part. They make us feel good about ourselves, especially those of us who were taught to feel bad about ourselves.

I like the idea of the wolf in me, wolves are a spirit animal, like dogs. The power of the wolf is said to bring forth instinct, intelligence, intuition, an appetite for freedom, some ferocity, and an awareness of the importance and complexity of community and social connections.

Wolves are loners. When the wolf shows up in your life, say the shamans, pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. Good advice, I live off of my intuition. A wolf does what he needs to do to survive, and I feel the same way.

Yes, I am a wolf, and not just in dressing, as Dee wisely perceived. I’ve done a lot of hunting, running, biting, fighting and bleeding, and I am proud to be still standing, still writing, taking more pictures than ever, loving my blog,  in love with my wife. I am not sure special angels would have made it through all of that.

I think the better angel in me is gaining strength and clarity in me, thanks in part to the challenging times we live in (everything is a gift), but I would never wish to leave the wolf behind and be alone with the angel. One supports the other and defines the other, they can be a powerful team. The angel wants to do good, the wolf can bring it home.

I still have the natural capacity to challenge, offend and provoke without even trying.  So many people are uncomfortable with me or around me. I am always at home with the outsiders, those who are left behind. I have always lived outside of the circle, and since I was a small child, I have intensely disliked people who cannot or will not speak the truth. I had good reasons for that.

I am learning to be honest and authentic and that has only made me worse to be around. I think of special angels as being like Herman, all good, all heart. Not me, not yet, probably not ever.

The reason my daughter would never describe me as a special angel is that she is too smart and too honest. I think she has learned to love me – I hope so –  for the person I am, not the person I might like to be, or even that she might like me to be. I think that is what love is about, really, not just what you accept but what you overlook and live with.

I appreciate Dee’s letter, it is sweet and generous, a great compliment, also honest and wise.

I do think she got it backwards a bit.  It fits like a glove, and I am learning to be okay with me. If you want to hang around me, read me, be my friend work with me, live with me, the truth is that you are not going to get a special angel. You are going to get a genuine wolf that is sometimes in a special angel’s dressing.

And hopefully, you will be encouraged to think about your life, not just parrot other people’s ideas about it. Can you name a special angel who can do that?

Dee is correct about something else. I have just begun. People caution be all the time to slow down, get rest, be cautious. That’s not what wolf-angels do. I’m just getting started.

I am happy with this dichotomy, there are at least two parts to me, and probably more. The great thing about being crazy is that you get to know yourself in a way most people do not ever get to do. And you get to recover from your illness every day.

I am getting to love who I am, and learning that if you do not love and accept yourself, no one else can possibly love and accept you. I feel like going out into the barn and howling, but it would get sent the sheep running for their lives. They do not care for wolves in anybody’s clothing.