Last week, I saw that Connie’s  big screen computer was missing from her table. She said it was no longer working, she could receive e-mail but could not play the Facebook games she loves to play at night before bedtime. I think they help her relax and sleep. Someone had taken it to a repair shop but they couldn’t fix it.

I decided to give it a try to I took it to the very sharp Apple Computer people who saved my computer when it crashed two weeks ago. The owner – he is a licensed Apple repair person – took one look at it and shook his head. Save your money, he said, its eleven years old and Facebook has upgraded its graphics in that time way beyond the ability of the computer to keep up with games.

There was no way to fix it, he said, and no point. The computer was just too old, the Web had passed it by.

I brought it back to Connie and she was disappointed but accepting. I toyed briefly with the idea of trying to raise money to a computer, perhaps a used or re-fitted one with a big screen.

Connie asked me not to, she didn’t wish to take any money from people for that. She was clear about it.

I agree with her.

The Mansion experience has been extraordinary and a great gift to the residents, but I see it’s my job and responsibility – I am the one taking these photos and writing these words –  to put some boundaries around it, there are a lot of generous people out there and their hearts have been touched by the stories of the Mansion residents and many have contacted me offering expensive gifts for the residents and other ideas for things to give them.

I have learned a lot about boundaries in recent years, and I realize that if we are to stay in this for the long haul, and truly be helpful, then there need to be boundaries.  That can get unhealthy.

The most helpful things for the residents are letters and photos and cards, these tell them they are not forgotten, that they are connected to the outside world.

We are helping them with some big things – a  van, for example, some art for the walls that are bare, gifts and special surprises for the holidays, letters from school children, yarn and puzzles and games.  Those are all big things, most are inexpensive. In conjunction with the blog readers, we are zeroing in some games and entertainment ideas I know they want and need.

My criterion is that they must be modest, considered and inexpensive. I consult with the staff on every gift.

We should not, I believe, play God, or spent enormous amounts of money, equate money with love. Connie was – is – thrilled with the yarn and needles and patterns she has received, but I am also sensitive to the fact that she would be uncomfortable getting a new computer or accepting money for one.

It strikes both of us as beyond the boundary.

I am in this for the long haul, and if there are no boundaries, people will burn out, so will I. Expensive gifts can also be disruptive, and cause some upset, even jealousy, among the residents. People have been good at asking me if some gifts are appropriate and I have recommended against some that are not. So far, so good.

There was a time not too long ago when I would have rushed out and bought a new computer and hauled it right in. That was my idea of doing good. But pity is not compassion and sympathy is not empathy. I am not here to alter anyone’s reality or take over their life. No one can save us from all the problems of life.

The best help is small and steady. A boombox is on the way, I got hold of a much requested puzzle today.  I bought something small that was needed. Small acts of good have enormous results. Connie is wise about what she wants and needs, and I am happy to follow her instincts and  judgment.

I bet there is a simple way to do some gaming. And an inexpensive one. One of the staff at the Mansion has a used big screen computer that might work. If it is meant to happen, it will happen.