All along, I’ve been planning for Maria’s trip to Kolkata, India, from February 16th to the 29th.  I was prepared to be something of a martyr, stoically running the farm by myself in Winter, proving that I can still handle all of the chores by myself, shovel that snow, haul that firewood, feed those animals,walk those dogs, shovel the roof, shop, shovel manure, do laundry and keep the house clean.

My testosterone told me I had to prove to myself that I still had it, I was going to be quite stoic. My editor and Maria upended those plans by meeting with me to strongly urge me to hire someone to come by every morning to do the chores and haul some wood. I protested that I could handle the farm by myself.

But they both pointed out that this wasn’t about my ability to handle it, rather it would be like a fellowship at one of those fancy writer’s retreats where you can just focus on your work and worry about nothing else.

I needed some convincing, and got some strong-arming.  I said it felt like Downton Abbey, and they both laughed at the ludicrous comparison. These two women know me better than anyone on the earth, and the seed they planted grew and sprouted. It just took a few days for me to crack.

I came to see the idea and accept it without too much fanfare or drama. I could see it would make Maria feel easier and better about going away for two weeks, and i could see it would be a rare opportunity for me to focus on my book project – “Lessons Of Bedlam Farm,” while still publishing the blog and taking photos. I won’t hire anyone to do that.

Rosemary Ahearn, my editor, sensed it would help me really focus on the book (I’ve done three chapters) and have less distraction. Maria does a lot of the chores that are sometimes hard for me to do alone.  it would take me a good while every morning.

The backdrop for all this pondering is perhaps obvious to everyone but me. It is the experience of aging, getting older, understanding the new limits on my life, adjusting my sense of self. There are somethings that are just hard for me to do, or that bother my angina, or that are just plain difficult.

I saw Maria’s trip as an opportunity to show myself and the world that  I could still manage my own farm. But now, it is an opportunity to do something else. And I will manage my farm for much of the day, just not in the early morning. Win-win, all around.

Maria will, I see, be even freer to focus on her amazing trip, knowing I am not slipping and sliding around in the mud out in the pasture with a bunch of animals banging into me.

I have spent a lot of my life alone, and I know I will miss Maria quite acutely, but I also know how to handle being alone. Voluntary aloneness is very different from the other kind. She will only be good a couple of weeks. And she will be coming back.

I was alone for most of the six years I lived on the first Bedlam Farm, and for much of my life before that. I don’t know if that will make it easier or harder, Maria and I are close, we share everything with one another.

I am so excited for her trip, that will compensate for the dislocation and loneliness. I called Cassandra Conety,  vet tech we know well, and respect greatly. She is a farm girl and loves animals and the outdoors, she will come by in the morning on the way to work,  bring in firewood, take the hay out to the animals, fill the water tanks, shovel out the manure in the barn, check on the animals.

I will get up early – I am usually awake around 4 or 5 a.m. and simply go straight to work. It will, as Rosemary and Maria suggested, be like a fellowship. Hmmm…I have never applied for one, they seemed indulgent to me.

I have rarely had the opportunity to focus like that on my work. I can blog as usual, take the dogs out for a walk, take photos. Otherwise, I will get my head around and into this book, an E.B. (hopefully) White’ish report on the things one learns on a farm. It is the kind of book that needs one’s full attention, Rosemary knows I suffer from distraction and many other mental disorders. But this is the kind of book that requires much concentration and thought.

So the first Bedlam Farm Writing Fellowship goes to me. In the old days, I was actually planning to offer writing internships at the old farm, which had plenty of room. Now I have one. Life is a wheel. If you wait long enough, everything will come around.

So in the mornings, starting in the dark, I will write as long as it is fresh and forthcoming. There are only so many hours in the day that one can be creative. Then, I will run the dogs and blog. Then lunch, maybe a short nap, another walk, a visit to the Mansion, shopping, the afternoon farm chores – all the things Cassandra will do in the morning. Then reading, dinner, more reading, chores, cleaning, more shopping, doctor and dental visits, and sleep.

I am shedding my reluctance and getting excited about it. I will have to work hard to focus on this, it is not something I have ever done, and I have great trouble about sitting at my computer concentrating while someone else is doing the work of the farm. I don’t wish to waste this opportunity, it is, I see, a gift.

You could not find anyone better than Cassandra, she will pay little attention to my fussing and get things done.

Maybe she’ll even walk the dogs when I am on a hot writing streak. I will, of course, share the experience.