My friend Paul Moshimer took his own life a couple of years ago now, and I don’t think of  him as often as I did in the months after that. Life moves along, I think we would go made if it didn’t. At the time, he and Pamela and Blue Star were much in my life, but I haven’t been to that amazing place lately, so many other things have come up and into my life.

I am learning that I am  drawn to moving forward in life, and not backwards, but the funny thing is that every now and then, when I open my photo library, Paul just pops up, he is saying hello to me, and we have a talk, like we used to have. Almost every morning for some months, even years, there was a message for me from Paul in the morning, a story, an idea, a thought, a comment on my writing, an idea about his writing.

He kept saying he was looking forward to the great things we would do together in our friend, and then he was gone, and I have never been certain of what to make of that, some things are not knowable, and humility asks me to accept what I do not understand and cannot really know.

Pamela has been brave and strong at Blue Star Equiculture, the spirit of the big horses is strong there, and I imagine Paul’s spirit is strong also. He was not a small man in any way. He seemed his own self in our talk, sadder perhaps, but still Paul, and I asked him if he thought friendships really died if one of the friends did.

I suppose I am angry at Paul sometimes – unfairly, I know, it is not my business to judge him – it is hard for me to believe he would have knowingly subjected Pamela to show much pain, her  strength love of life and the horses is very powerful medicine.

My suffering is not comparable to anyone’s, especially hers, but that phone call telling me that he was dead is still very sharp and strong in my mind – I was walking with Joshua Rockwood on my farm – it sends chills to my sometimes broken heart.

Paul said that was all food for thought, a topic for our evenings together at the Pompanuck Sugar House in the Spring. He never meant to cause anyone pain, he just had to deal with his own.

I thought for a second that Paul didn’t know he wouldn’t be there, or was just putting the idea aside.

I appreciate his visits, I don’t want to forget him, and seeing him pop up in my screen reminds me of our friendship, and it’s sweet depth. It does leave me with a lonely feeling.

Good friends are hard to come by. I told Paul I am getting older, I wonder if there is time to too many new friendships, I don’t know many people like Paul, and am not likely to meet many more. I am reminded to be grateful for every day that I have, and to make good use of it.

Paul seemed to smile at my thoughts, he still has that twinkle in his eye, that sharp and dry humor, he still finds me quite odd and interesting. Glad to see that look is still there. I wonder if I will see Paul again anytime soon. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I don’t wish to forget it either.