Photo By Maria Wulf

“Home is the place that, when you have to go there, they have to take you in…” Robert Frost

This is perhaps the most famous and oft-quoted line about people and families, but I want to be honest and say that I do not believe it is true. It is certainly not true for me. I never had to go there, and never would go there, and if I did, they would not have taken me in. They never did.

At Christmas, I wrote to write about families for the people who cannot accept such romantic notions of them, especially during the holidays, where the pain of family can be searing. In the Corporate Nation, we are spoon fed the idea of the happy, perfect and accepting family gather at Christmas.

I am happy that this is true for so many people, but also know that it is not true for so many people, and many need relief from that stereotype, which makes many feel inadequate or worse. I call it the Unattainable Family, the marketed family, the Disney Family. Real life is not a marketing idea.

This is a joyous time of year for many people, and a painful time of year for many people. Maria and I have struggled with the promise and reality of family all of our lives, and this struggle is never more clearly revealed than during the holidays, a time for families to gather, and a time for some of great difficulty.

I believe family is a complicated issue that can never fully be  resolved or understand. We can’t really discharge our families, but we can and do replace them. We can also, if we have to, leave them behind and go off on our own to heal and find real connection. When family works, it is a beautiful thing.

When it doesn’t work, it can be a nightmare. The holidays seem to bring on the nightmare for some people.

I think the real problem is a question of expectations. The Disney idea of Christmas is perhaps the dominant one, the idea of the perfect, peaceful, loving and wholesome family, portrayed again and again during the holidays eating, talking, sitting in a beautiful living room.

My family portrait in the holidays would be quite different, a gathering of angry and hurt people, often tearing one another to pieces. It seemed that nobody who was there wished to be there, and nobody ever seemed to grasp that they didn’t really have to be there.

I became one of those people. I left my family behind, except for one member of it, and resolved to protect my new family from what I believed to be a contagion. I left my family behind, I could not be with them. It is not something I could or would ever recommend to another person, these things are personal, but I often think of the depressed and troubled people who tell me they dread family gatherings and wish they never had to go to one.

I don’t tell them what I am thinking. They don’t have to go. I know a lot of people who break away, and they live and survive, even thrive. That’s the thing about taboos, they exist to be broken. But that is not something for me to tell other people, one has to come to it internally, on their own.

For people with troubled families, people like me and Maria, the holidays can be a raw wound. I can’t speak for  her but for me it is a reminder of my broken family, and of the pain and sorrow we caused one another. Family casts a shadow over the holidays, and it sometimes darken the skies.

I believe that in the real world, I don’t  have to go anywhere, and if I do, it is not family I would turn to, there are other people in my life – my new family, I guess – who would happily me in, and not because they have to, but because they want to.

Liberty’s foundation is free will, and when we have to do things we don’t wish to do, we are not free. I am truly happy for the people who find the holidays meaningful, loving and restorative, I wish them every bit of happiness. For those who don’t want to go, and dread going, I am thinking of you this weekend. You are not alone.

Free will and choice are the things that separate human beings from every other living thing. They are sacred gifts, many  believe they are the manifestations and revealed gifts of God. It is a tragedy to throw them away.

Maria and I are learning to make our Christmas and other holidays meaningful and precious to us. They are about love and compassion and freedom and authenticity, about being ourselves and caring for one another. About the freedom to be honest and true.  For us, anything else is about obligation, a kind of social slavery. I do envy the happy families this holiday, I often wish I could be one of them. But I also know that I could never go back, only forward.

Home is the place you go to because you wish to go, because it is a safe and loving place. Nobody has to take you in, it means nothing to me if they have no choice.