Thoreau urged people like me to advance confidently in the direction of my dreams, and live the life I have imagined, Joseph Campbell says to follow my bliss, Thomas Merton says to live a life bounded by love and faith. I am advancing confidently in the direction of all of those dreams, and I am edging ever closer to a life of fulfillment and purpose.

I know I am not there yet, I know I will never get there, the point is to be on the road, life does not often give us precisely what we want.

With this fulfillment, this promise of bliss, this realization of dreams come much joy and satisfaction, it also, to be fair, brings much loss and sacrifice. I understand that to live my life, it means living far from my daughter and granddaughter, even as people assure me I will be drowning in love and wonder, a part of me knows it will not be that simple.

My life is not that simple. I thought today of the friends I have lost and left behind, the family I have never known and will never know, the accomplishments I fought so hard to achieve, but could not achieve, the places, people, dreams and connections I left behind.

My biological family is gone or scattered, there is no one left but a sister I rarely see. I am close to almost no one I knew before my great breakdown and awakening, the therapist warned me that the people I knew would no longer recognize me, or me them. it is as if my life began seven or eight years ago, and for the first time in my life, I know I am  home, I am not moving or leaving again.

But still, sometimes the enormity of loss overwhelms me, as it does Maria, and I have to turn inward and let it makes its way through my heart and soul. I will be a good distant grandfather for Robin, I will not slip away from her, but I will also not see  her very often or be a large part of her life.

Sometimes, I do wish I could pick her up once in awhile, and whisper the secrets of life, and see how often I could see that smile. But I will not speak poorly of my life, or lament it, I am happier beyond my wildest dreams, lucky to be alive and doing every day what I love to do. Who could regret a life like that?

In a sense, that is the life and the path that I chose, I accept it with grace and gratitude. We are community, this band of outsiders who strike out on the hero journey to risk all of our safety and security, to leave the known world and set out on the great adventure.

I often think the real heroes are the ones Bruce Springsteen sings about, those who stay behind, tough it out with their families, work without complaint, and give up on so many of their dreams. They are the ones who make the world tick.

I am glad Robin likes her new mobile so much, I am good at buying things, a holdover from the days when I could. I intend for her to think of me as a crazed angel, living out the in the wild with a bunch of animals, she might love that, living in Brooklyn.

I let that go as well, this idea of buying and acquiring things. One way or another, sometimes voluntary, sometimes not, I gave all of my money away.  Divorce and recession arrived on almost the same day for me. I never want to pretend that a life of purpose and freedom and adventure is free, that would be such a cruel lie. It is as good or bad as any life, it is simply the life for me.

Life comes to all of us, whatever we dream, however we live. We control only so much of it, and that is precious little. The more I get, the more I lose. And I say that with no regret or pity, this is the life I chose, this is the life I live.