This morning, Maria sat down to breakfast and suddenly, she burst into tears. Maria’s emotions are always close to the surface, but I was startled by the pain in her face, we had just gotten up and done the farm chores. She said she was upset about the raging national discussion about gender, political power, sexual assault and decency.

Maria said she didn’t have words for it, but when she saw Michelle Obama’s speech, and she heard Obama talk about her hurt, she knew precisely what she was talking about, she remembered a time when she was swimming and she heard her father and one of his friends talk about her nice “body structure” as she walked past. She was humiliated,  disgusted, but had no idea she had any right to feel that way.

Decades later, the pain of that moment was still fresh. Words matter. She was hurt, it was still there. Words hurt.

Imagine, I thought if that friend had stuck his tongue in her mouth, or touched her breasts, or said how much he would like to grab her private parts. Or did.

Michelle Obama said these kinds of remarks about women – Donald Trump’s  remarks – were  an insult to “decent men.” The Republican candidate for vice-president, Mike Pence, said on television he did not understand what her “claims” were. I wonder what part of “assault’ Mr. Pence was not able to grasp.

So I have been thinking about and writing about what it means to be a decent man.

This is important to me, to others. For awhile this morning, until I could not stand it any longer, I watched a parade of men – and some women – say that men talk like this all the time, it was a long time, ago, it is no big deal, and besides, the women are certainly, absolutely, patently and brazenly lying, they were just seeking fame, or part of a global conspiracy to affect the outcome of the election.

it was long ago, who cares? What does it matter?

These denying men seemed emotionally dead to me, older, mostly white, they seem to speak almost too rapidly to think, as if they are in a rush to get all of their words out.  They seemed empty in their souls, devoid of empathy. To me, they simply did not seem to get it. Or was I the one who doesn’t get it?

Nobody has ever or will ever nominate me to be vice-president.

All kinds of elected officials, sworn to serve men and women, in many parts of the country, were speaking out all day, they said it was just the talk you hear in the locker room, it didn’t matter, it was only words. This, they said again and again,  was a minor thing compared to who might get appointed to the Supreme Court, to the horrible consequences of Hillary Clinton, to the dread deeds of her husband.

These accusers are liars, they said, without question. Mr. Trump scoffed at the idea that he would be attracted to any of them.  He vowed to disprove their claims completely  by Friday afternoon. On Friday afternoon, they said they would disprove all of the accusations “at the appropriate time.” What, I wonder, is their idea of “appropriate.” The panelists and questioners and anchors seemed to be numb.

Just as many women fear, these women who spoke out were threatened, belittled. Their courage has prompted other women to speak out. It seems Mr. Trump told the truth about at least one promise, he did to women exactly what he bragged about doing to his sycophantic bus mate, Billy Bush.

I have no idea if these women are speaking the truth or not, it is not for me to judge. They seemed far more credible to me, than the people assaulting them on television yet again.

It made me angry and it was deeply offensive to see their accusations dismissed in this way. To me, they were testifying  that a candidate for President of the United States did to them just what he said on tape that he often did and wanted to do and had the right to do to women.

Women speak all of the time about men who “get it,” and men who “don’t get it,” and watching the quislings and apologists wrap themselves into pretzels, I learned a great deal about this idea of “getting it” in the past few days. A young man I wrote a book about called Geeks – his name is Jesse Daily was arrested in New York City on two counts of groping young girls – touching their rear ends. Jesse faced five years imprisonment and went through hell for two years before being acquitted on all counts.

I believe Jesse was innocent, but I wasn’t there and he was accused of doing far less than the Republican nominee for President is accused of having done. And in scores of interviews I never once heard him say the things about women that Donald Trump said.

The decent men do get it.

Everyone is entitled to a fair and impartial trial. But the decent men don’t treat women in this way, and they don’t assume they are lying simply because they claim to have been harassed or assaulted. So many women have had this experience, and it is such a painful ordeal for them to speak out about it – just look how these women are being attacked and vilified all week. Is this the kind of “fame” anybody seeks?

It’s so much easier for them to be silent.

In my second piece on male decency, I tried to describe what, exactly, The Decent Man is. Here, I thought I’d write about what the Decent Man is not.

*Decent men do not talk about touching or molesting or grabbing women against their will. And they do not laugh when other men talk about it.

*Decent men do not assume that all women who claim to be abused are telling the truth, nor do they assume they are lying. They believe they should be heard, and taken seriously and listened to, and if justified, fully and respectfully supported.

*Decent men do not make fun of women because of their looks or their weight.

*Decent men do not demean women nor ever touch them or put their hands on them in ways that are not invited or welcome.

*Decent men do not dismiss menacing and harmful words and language as trivial or unimportant. Words can maim and wound and even kill.

*Decent men do not see women as objects to be  trivialized or belittled or patronized. They do not further injure women who claim to be molested or assaulted.

*Decent men “get” that times have changed, and consciousness has changed, and women will no longer accept the kind of treatment we are reading about every single day.

*Decent men understand that it is no longer up to men to decide what women will accept or tolerate. It is up to them to “get it,” understand it and accept it, even if they don’t like it.

*Decent men do not avoid responsibility for the inevitable mistakes and transgressions that befall every human being, or blame others for their wrongs. Decent men apologize, deeply and simply and reflexively, for their mistakes. They do not cruelly attack their accusers nor do they dismiss their behavior as too long ago or too trivial to matter. They apologize, deeply and sincerely, they do not blame others, and if they mean it, their apologies can be accepted and they can move on.

They embrace humility and empathy, not arrogance and denial.

I have done this many times for the many mistakes I have made in my life, although I cannot imagine uttering the words Mr. Trump spoke. I have been forgiven almost every time.

Donald Trump, by any of my measures, is not a decent man.

I understand that people feel very strongly about this election, and many will disagree with me, and I apologize for causing anyone any discomfort. My blog is not about causing discomfort.

But his behavior matters, a great deal, I have never seen women so upset and in such distress in my lifetime, it is a great wave that I believe will now sweep over this troubling man like a Tsunami and do considerable good, for all the trauma and pain. Michelle Obama has lit a great fire, and it will burn and burn.

She did it just by being authentic,  by showing her feelings. This isn’t politics.

The greatest evil is not radical, or even political, it has no roots, and because it has no roots it has no limitations, it can go to unthinkable extremes and sweep over a country, even the world. When we forgive and look away, it is not the person and not the crime that is forgiven; in rootless evil there is no person left whom one could ever forgive.

My own notions of decency have evolved, and are clear. A decent man would speak out about this and say as clearly and loudly as he can that treating women in this way is wrong, and that in order to be deserving, our leaders need to stand up for justice and decency, not rationalize criminality, hatred and the worst kind of sexism.