A few days ago, someone posted a message on my Facebook Page remarking that I had changed, I did not seem to be the same person he thought he saw when I wrote for Wired and other online publications about 30 years ago.

I am never sure how to react to a statement like. I’m sure he meant well, but I do wince a bit.

The comment came on the same day as a presidential candidate announced he was “resetting” or “pivoting” in his campaign, he seemed to be signalling the arrival of a new kind of person, one who regrets causing any pain to people when he had so steadfastly refused to do so for so long.

I don’t know if he is a different person that he was two weeks ago, and how can I say for sure that I am a different person than I was 30 years ago?

Gandhi wrote that we should be the change we wish to see in the world, Leo Tolstoy wrote that everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves.

I like both of these ideas, but I think Gandhi’s speaks to my idea of change and identity more directly.True change for me has not come from public declaration but from internal awakening. The change is from the heart, not the mouth. It doesn’t matter to me what people see or think they see, it matters what I see and feel.

I don’t think change comes from outward things like success and power or the approval of others, and I don’t think anyone becomes someone other than themselves, not ever, not matter how often they announce it.

The messenger was wrong, I am not a different person, nor would I ever wish to be. I am the same person who has learned some things by living life and paying attention to it. By my failures and successes.

Change is internal, slow, challenging, rare, and it comes from a willingness to change the way you are, and what  you do.

I don’t generally believe anyone who tells me they have suddenly decided to change.

I know it does not work that way, at least for me. There is no reason for you to believe a thing I tell you I have done or will do. You can, if you choose, believe what you see me do.  And what I do.

There is nothing cheaper than talk, nothing more dear than experience. If you want to see if I have changed, then you will have to watch me and pay attention. Not too many people have the time for that.

But there is no other way to do it.

I replied on Facebook that I hope I have changed in the past 30 years, it would an awful thing if I had not. I’m certain the man asking the question has changed also. Thirty years are a long time, I’ve done a lot and seen a lot and been beat up a lot and loved a lot and stumbled and learned a lot.

I think one of the great divides between the young and the old is that we –  the older – have been thrown into the blender and shaken up a bit, we are permitted fewer illusions and delusions, unless of course, we have never grown up and are running for political office. I think we tire of people telling us how good they are, we revel in seeing good done. And we know good when we see good.

Sooner or later, if we are to live fully and meaningfully, we either do or don’t come to terms with who we are and who wish to be, and those who don’t become hollow men and women, they will live a substitute life, they can never be fulfilled or content or at peace.

I said on Facebook that I had no wish or claim to be a different person than I was then. I know that is not within my power. And even if it were, I wouldn’t want to be something other than what I am.

Who I was then has helped shaped every bit of who I am now, and who I am now would have no meaning at all if not for the person I once was.

I have no wish to throw the me of 30 years ago away and wipe the slate clean, as tempting as it is. I had much to learn then, I have much to learn now. And I had much to offer then, and much to offer now.

He is as much a part of me as my beating heart, and identity is as much about taking responsibility as it is hiding from it.

I am also sorry for the personal pain I have caused in my deeds and words, there are not enough days in my life to apologize to every person I have hurt, nor for those who have hurt me to apologize to me. I accept the nature of life, we all make mistakes, we all do the best we can.

When I started this blog and began the revolution in my writing life, I told my readers they would get the good Jon and the bad Jon, but either way, they would get the real one. They are both one and the same. I hope I am remaining true to that pledge.

If I wish to live better, i simply had to be better, just like Gandhi said.

There are no shortcuts to resurrection and redemption, the road is always long, bumpy,  and hard.

This, I think, is one of the seminal lessons of life, the boundary between wisdom and arrogance, awakening and blindness.

When I get to meet the angels and fill out my forms, I will tell them: there is only one me.