It does not get any easier, just more familiar. Deb is struggling, the medications the vet left us with are not working, she can’t stand up, is breathing heavily, and panting. Today, we have the familiar decisions to make.

Do we call the vet again? Are there other things to try? How much money can we spend and do we want to spend?  Do we give her more time? Is she suffering? She is a young sheep, three years old, and until yesterday morning, healthy and active. I believe she is dying. I gave her her two shots this morning, perhaps that will work a small miracle. I can’t lie, I don’t think it will.

And of course, there is the most elemental question, should she be put down, and if so, should the vet do it or should I do it? We are especially fond of Deb, she and Jake made the most beautiful kind of twins when they were lambs, there was always something spiritual about her, I guess there still is.

If she has to be put down, I am mindful that it is summer and warm, how will we dispose of the body? She is big and heavy, we will need help, and who to call for help with this particular task? I think I will call my friend Ed Gulley, he comes to mind. I will need a back-up in case he is not available.

In the life and death cycles of the farm, there are so many practical considerations, there is not much space for the emotional ones. I tighten up when this decision looms, I wonder what the most humane and merciful thing to do really is.

Should Deb’s body go to feed the animals in nature, or should we think of burying her here? We believe in returning our animals to nature if we can, to feed the others.

We will have to move her quickly, before the flies and the maggots get to her body. We hope she lives, but we have to be prepared if she dies, that will take some planning. We will give her more time, give the medications more time, perhaps give us more time.

We will need to tell Deb, our petsitter so she can say goodbye, if it comes to that. Maria and I are both tense, quiet, we have been there before, we know the drill. Sick sheep do not often get well, the vet has many things to try but very few of them work. And they are all very expensive. And Deb is suffering all the while.

So we will give this more time, gather more information, come back to it later. The curious thing is that the decision will be made for us in many ways, we have been here before, we will know what to do. And I will, of course, share it. This is the other end of a live with animals, life, death, life. If you love animals and live with them, you will know this often. I am sad, I am wide open.  I know Maria is suffering, she keeps going to the barn to visit with her. We will see what life offers us.

Life is filled with crisis and mystery.