My mother-in-law told me last week that the day after Christmas was the saddest day of the year for her. She loved Christmas so much, she said, it was depressing when it was over. My sister called me to say she loved Christmas because it was one of the things that always connected her to me, and she moved me to tears. An old friend told me she loves Christmas because it is the one time of the year when her family is together and it evokes the happiest memories of her life. And a friend, a Jesuit priest e-mailed me because he was so happy I was writing about Jesus and Christmas, Jesus Christ was the reason he loved Christmas so much.

I e-mailed my brother to wish him a good Christmas, we haven’t spoken in years, but he didn’t answer me.

So there it is, Christmas seems a different thing to every person I talk to about it. Some people thanked me for writing about Christmas, others seemed distressed and annoyed that I was raising questions about it. I think Christmas for me became a holiday of empowerment:

• I decided to save my love of Christmas by examining it and what it meant to me. This led to nothing but good things.
• Maria and I decided to put the question of gifts aside (mostly). I gave her a few things before the holiday, she gave me one or two things. The question of gifts was moved to the background, the meaning of the holiday to the fore. We did not go to malls, or go online for bargains. We went to the movies.
• I read three wonderful books about the life and passions of Jesus Christ and came to understand why the holiday is so important to so many people, and to remember that Christianity and Judaism and the Muslim faith were founded, in large measure on the ideas of freedom, mercy, and compassion,  of honoring the poor and giving them hope. Something to believe in, something to celebrate.
• We embraced the seminal Christian idea (neither of us are religious in the conventional sense) of being about less, not more. Of giving up things, not receiving them. Of letting go, not clinging to the past. It was not about nostalgia, it was about now.
• We have both grappled for years with the dilemma and challenge of family. How much do we owe them? How can we reconcile a meaningful holiday with the pain and confusion of our families?  We spoke the truth and felt it, we didn’t suppress our feelings and hide them for others. So we separated family from the holiday. It was about us, not about them. It is about our values and lives and beliefs, not the rituals and obligations of others. A big step, perhaps the biggest. The pain of family was not in our holidays, even as we well understand other people have a different story, a different experience of family.
• Our holiday was also about friendship, the pathway to our new families. We saw our friends, loved them, shared our lives and connected with them. Trust, love and connection – a good rationale for every holiday.
• And we asked ourselves what was important in our lives. We created, I wrote a movie review, took photographs, we sat out with the animals, herded sheep, experienced nature in or love of the deep woods, the hills, the animals and light.

And here it is, the day after Christmas, we are not depressed, anxious, exhausted, our heads are not spinning with what he-said or she-said, what he-meant or she-meant. We are not grappling with the past. For some, family and ritual are a gift, for some – us – a quagmire. Yesterday, we walked on firm ground, not on memory.

Some of us are exultant about our Christmases, some are defensive and defiant about them. And this is what it means to be empowered, to stand in your own truth and celebrate your own holiday in whatever way is best for you.

I want to keep this holiday going, having re-discovered the meaning of it for me, it was the holiday of empowerment.  I am ready for the New Year.