We spent a lot of time walking in the woods adjoining and surrounding Pompanuck Farm this afternoon, part of our silent meditation. Neither Maria nor I are especially quiet people, we were quiet today, reflective, working hard to settle in silence.

I loved the woods, more and more I am walking in them, thinking in them, seeing them as Mother Earth’s Cathedrals, we have forgotten in our frantic world to love trees, to know them. These four huge branches belonged to one tree, too big to hug.

I wrote the other day that I had become a Tree Hugger, and I got some messages from the real Tree Huggers, Shan Ray, an environment in California and self-proclaimed Redwood Tree Hugger wrote me today for the second time. He is a fine writer.

“Its hard to capture the cathedral feeling in a redwood forest on film,” he wrote. “You’d think the arches and buttresses are a visual thing, but no, the feeling is not just in the tall canopy overhead or the dimness on the forest floor, but the soft step on the litter underfoot and the quiet soundproofness even when the wind blows, because pine needles don’t rustle like leaves.  Redwoods are old trees, but they don’t seem old, standing so straight and tall.  They seem ageless, the vibration you feel is an echo from the past.  You can’t get your arms around the big ones, tho.”

Shan captured my own thoughts and feeling as we took breaks from meditating and went out in the woods with the dogs. I never feel more humble than when I walk in the deep woods, never feel more simple and clear about who I am. In humility is the greatest freedom, as difficult as it sometimes is for me to achieve it.

As long as I had to defend my imaginary and delusional self, the one I thought was so important, I lost the peace of my heart. In the woods, I find it again.  As soon as I compared my shadow with the shadows of other people, I lost myself, because there is no joy in things that do not exist, in unreality.

I learned that as soon as I began to take myself seriously and imagine that my skills and virtues are important, I became the prisoner of my own vanity and ego, even my best works blinded and deceived me. In order to protect myself, I had to find fault with the actions of other people, they were never good enough for me. I think true peace and joy come only when I forget myself, what I want and need.

I believe true love is not possible without humility. How can I love someone else if I love myself more? I have this quote from Thomas Merton in my desk, I read it from time to time:

“A man who is not stripped and poor and naked within his own soul will always unconsciously do the works he has to do for his own sake rather than for the glory of God. He will be virtuous not because he love’s God’s will but but because he wants to admire his own virtues. But every moment of the day will bring him some frustration that will make him bitter and impatient and in his impatience he will be discovered.”

I am not sure about God or what the glory of God is, that is simply beyond me. But I remember a time not long ago when every moment of the day brought me bitterness and impatience and frustration and fear. In my collapse, I was discovered. I think I love the forest because I feel so humble walking amongst those tall and beautiful trees.

How lucky I am that no one will ever call me a saint. With humility comes freedom, I think. There is nothing anyone can take from me.