When there was major political news, I used to convent the Bedlam Farm Men’s Club, but then it turns out, the balance has shifted here, as it has in the outside world, and there are not too many strong men left – just wussy men like me and Red and Liam, the mama’s boy ram – so we formed a Super Pac instead, we want to be a player in the political world, and watched as much of the debate last night as we could handle before shifting to old Van Morrison videos on You Tube.
Carly Fiorino and Hilary Clinton would be happy here, there are a lot of very forceful women on Bedlam Farm, more coming all of the time: Maria, Chloe, Fate, Lulu, Fanny, Susie, Zelda, Flo, Minnie, the hens. Red and I were there too, but we were kind of figureheads, we were only allowed to be in the pre-takeaway discussion, not the big one.
Nobody cares much what we think.
But the women were there, and were not to be messed with, so we all met in the barn in the cool night and figured out the takeaways from the Second Presidential Debate.
The Bedlam Farm Takeaways:
Chloe on Donald Trump: “Look, the way I see it, he can call me what he wants, he’s just another dumb penis with a big mane. I am too familiar with that type of male…You always end up having to kick them in the head. I mean, who wants to look at that?”
Zelda: “Tell me about it, you ever been around a ram? There were a whole bunch of them on TV last night.”
(braying from Lulu and Fanny, clucking from the hens and nodding): A lot of clucking and guffawing in the Pole Barn. “Remember that rooster, Winston the 2nd?,” asked the white hen. Sure, I said. “Well, thanks for running him off and shutting him up. Could be a backup idea for blowhards,” she added, ominously.
Hey, watch it, I said, none of that. A loud and obnoxious rooster is not like a presidential candidate, I huffed…er, I don’t think. Necessarily. Maybe.
Maria:” Jon, why don’t you just take photographs and be still?”
Jon: “Yes, dear, you may be right.” (I thought that I should be quiet, I am just a small penis with little or no hair.)
Fanny: “What is it with that Ted Cruz. He looked like the Gekko on TV, having an enema!”
Zelda: “I think they all had enemas. What gloomy bunch of people…Maybe at the end of the last debate, they’ll all throw themselves into the water and commit suicide together on cable news.”
Lulu: “Can Marco Rubio smile? Have the nerve endings in his mouth been damaged? Give him a carrot.”
Susie: “Don’t bray, Lulu. We talk American here. Shout.”
Fanny: “I think they all ate sour apples before the debate, they looked like my Aunt Bess when she was constiipated. The woman there did kick the big rooster on the head. I don’t think she has any nerves endings in her mouth either, though.”
Chloe: “What’s wrong with sour apples? But can any of them smile, I mean we have to get up and go to work every day and listen to this? Is it really the End Of Time? And who is that Huckabee guy, he wants to be Chief Of The Apocalypse, do we have to tell the kids that they are all going to die soon if we negotiate? He needs to graze for awhile with some sheep.”
Red: “And a good dog…”
Maria: “I’m thinking it could make a goddess intuition political hanging piece, you know…I could weave that hair through some old discarded underpants…put in some dirty rocks and lizard skins, collect the menstrual blood of raccoons and some bones whitening in the sun and pickled body parts of departed mothers and grandmothers that people send me. Something different, you know…we need goddesses in those debates.”
Fate: “Awesome!”Susie: “Oh, yes, Jon and Maria, and one other thing. No more rabies shots from the vet, I heard from a frog in the pond that they cause foundering in ponies and blindness in sheep.
“Chloe: “Jeez…”
We talked about which candidate we could support, we decide it was too early to decide, we need to meet regularly this year. We passed out some hay and oats, we all chewed our cuds quietly for a minute or two, then we went to sleep.
We will meet again next month.
“Did you see that big sheep behind the candidates?,” asked Fate. “They said it flies. Wow, I would love to go after that thing and chase it through the air and turn it around.”