On Blue Star Equiculture’s Facebook Page today, Pamela Moshimer  Rickenbach posted a video celebrating the life of her husband Paul Moshimer, who took his own life a few weeks ago. He was a good friend to me and to many others. Maria could only bear to watch a few minutes of it, she began to cry and had to stop. I took it into my study and watched it three or four times, and I cried as well, it felt like my newly refurbished heart would break again, and I thought of the broken heart of wonderful Pamela, and her strength and courage and love.

And I wished her peace and compassion and love and healing. We are close, she will hear the message.

The video had music in the background, I think it was Bob Marley, and I heard him sing “Don’t Give Up The Fight.” I sat in my office trying to get up the strength to go back to work, and then I thought of a message I received from Paul after I had wondered aloud to  him why I was permitted to live, to recover from my open heart surgery. He thought about it for awhile, and then he messaged and said “you lived because you were not finished, you had work to do, you have a purpose. You never give up the fight.”

I’ve thought about this message more than once since Paul hung himself from a tree near his farm. Didn’t you have work to to do, also, Paul? Did you know, I wonder, how many people loved you and were inspired by you and leaned on you? Did you know how many people you touched, how many there are who remain and in great need of being touched?

I did not know  you for long, and not as well as so many others in your life. I am not a sorrow or tragedy thief, this is not my tragedy, my life is rich and full and goes on, but I think a lot about the sea of sorrow you left behind, and I wonder if you knew what you meant to so many people, to the farm, to the horses, to Pamela? To me.

It is not my tragedy, but it is a tragedy still.

I will be listening to this video one more time, and thank Pamela so much for putting it together at this dark and difficult time of your life. It is beautiful and heartbreaking, and I know, my heart was broken just a year ago, and then put together again.

in his beautiful encyclical, Pope Francis reminded us this week that we must regain the conviction that we have a shared responsibility for others and for the animals of the world, and that being good and decent are worth it.

You knew this, Paul, this is the way you lived your life, this is what you reminded me I have been allowed to live and do. This is what you taught to many other people to do, what you did every day of your life.

You may take comfort in knowing that Pamela has great work to do, she has taken responsibility for the others and the animals in this world, and she embodies the notion that being good and decent are worth it. She will not be alone in that. There is so much suffering and pain in the world, Paul, I am just beginning to grasp how much of it you had to bear.

I have been saying goodbye to you Paul for a some days now, and I think we have been messaging one another, so I hope you know I am not judging you when I ask: Did you not know, Paul, that you had work to do? Should I have told you? I have work to do. I promise you that I will never give up the fight.