Family portraits are a staple of life for so many people, so are families, considered the structure of human connection. I am sorry to say that has not been my story. There are no family portraits of me anywhere, at least until today.  My first family was shattered by fear and mental illness, my second by divorce. I have always felt some shame in my life, and have stood still for few photographs. I took none until just a few years ago.

Maria and I both have struggled with the reality of family for us, there are no family portraits around with her in them either.

Today, something changed. My daughter Emma came up to visit for the weekend with her husband Jay, they were married in New York City just a few months ago. I told Maria I wanted to pose for a family portrait. I love Emma dearly, and I consider us close, but I never felt she was totally at ease around me, or at my farm or in the country.

In a sense this was a projection, I don’t think many people felt comfortable around me, but it is something I have always wanted with my daughter. This time it is different. Emma and Jay have a powerful connection to one another, they make each other feel safe and at ease, they share the same kind of soul connection I feel with Maria, and had never felt before. They are different from us, but I was touched to see how comfortable she is around Jay, how safe and at ease.

Maria and I have both worked hard to find family in the best way we can. She has close friends that are like sisters, one like an aunt. I am finding brothers in this world who care about me and who I love. I think the animals have both served as family for us, we give much love and get much love in return. We are able to access the nurturing parts of ourselves, and work together to build a family, it is never too  late.

I admit as a father to feeling a stab that I had rarely, if ever, seen her so comfortable, and not much with me. Emma and I are very alike in many ways, different in others. That is really as it should be.  I was much absorbed for much of my life in struggling to survive, and as the shrinks say, when you are not well, you are not available to others. When I moved several hundred miles away from my family in 2003, I don’t think I made it any easier for anyone to know me or love me, and I know Emma struggled to understand my move to Bedlam Farm.

I have worked to put the past behind me, and to live in the present. Emma and I never quit on one another, we never disconnected from each other, and now, for many reasons, one being Jay I think, there is a comfort and sense of trust and family that I have always wanted and do not remember having.

I felt it today. I posed for a family portrait, my first. And with a horse and a dog. The only thing missing was Maria, she had to take the photograph. Next time, I’ll have George Forss take the photo, he’ll know how to do it. I am grateful to Jay for entering our family, for helping to make this happen for me, for Emma. Nothing could make a father happier than to see this kind of connection between his daughter and another human being, I know only too well what it means.

If I have learned anything in life, it is that love is more powerful than anything. Like the good Pope says, love is the mission. I have a family portrait now. I can’t wait to hang it on my wall.