Someone asked me recently if I thought it was true that meeting Maria saved my life seven years ago, when I was so lost, and in so much trouble and pain. I said I was wary of putting that on anyone, even someone as wonderful as she is. I saved my own life, I chose to live. My friend Paul’s death at his own hands reminds me that not everyone makes that choice. Maria certainly changed my life in almost every good way that is possible.
Today is our fifth wedding anniversary. We have always celebrated that day by running off to our favorite inn in Vermont, but not this year. We will be at home working, taking care of the farm. Tonight my daughter Emma and her new husband Jay Jaffe will be coming to stay for the weekend, the first time they have visited since their wedding in April in Brooklyn. It will be great to see them here.
Emma doesn’t get up here often, she is a senior editor at Sports Illustrated, a hotshot job in New York City (I had a few of those myself), she lives in very trendy Brooklyn. The country has never taken hold of her the way it has me, but then, she is only 32. We’ll take her and Jay to dinner at the Round House Cafe tonight for pizza, then hang out Saturday at the farm. Tomorrow, I’m cooking pasta and clams for dinner. Emma says Jay loves to fix things, we have a lot of things to fix here.
It is difficult even for a writer to try and describe what someone like Maria has meant to someone like me. She is simply the light, the purpose, and the point. She is my heart. Some world weary people warned us that the blush would come off of the rose after a couple of years, we would start to squabble and get on each other’s nerves, the romance would fade, our relationship become routine. One friend told us we would not want to have sex very often after a year or two. I am so happy that was wrong.
The truth is, we fully share our lives, even though we have different lives. Her work and my work – a centerpiece of our lives – are separate and we keep them that way. She is her own person, I am mine.
The warnings about love and marriage have not come true for us. We have our squabbles for sure, two strong willed people living creative and independent lives. We never tire of one another. We have gotten on one another’s nerves. But our love and connection just deepens, even glows. She is the nicest and most authentic human being I have ever known, her authenticity just pours out of her.
There has been much joy in those five years, there has been much struggle. We have been through a lot together, every day has drawn us closer. We trust one another completely, encourage each other continuously, we respect the effort each of us has made to earn and grow. I have watched Maria get stronger every day, making her art, loving the animals, loving nature, loving me. Seeing her smile while riding Chloe yesterday reminded me of just how radiant she is, how full of life.
We have worked hard, come far together. We have a ways to go. Our lives together have changed as we have. We will face the future together.
I love every single thing about Maria, I discover more things to love all of the time. I love the way she dresses, I love her body, her independence and pride, I love her sense of humor, her many idiosyncracies, her creativity, obsessiveness and weirdness. She is very much an individual, as I hope I am, we are committed to encouraging each other to be what we love, to be ourselves. She is after all, an artist, she sees the world in colors and shapes and symbols. Left is right to her, and right is left, I have learned to give directions backwards.
I suppose the meaning of Maria becomes distinct to me when I think of life before her. In my head it is a dark and fearful time, I was dying in so many ways. I had given up on love and life.
I have been reborn, our love has given rebirth to my life, and I believe to hers. I did not believe that the life I lead now was possible before Maria, I thought this kind of love would never come to me, was lost. Her light has given me strength, helped heal my broken heart, suffused my work and my photography. When I started taking pictures, every one was a love letter to her, a way to talk to her and show her my love.
That much is still true.
Happy anniversary, dearest thing, you have given me every good reason in the world to be alive, to be grateful to be alive, and to stay alive. Pope Francis is correct. The mission is love.