Yesterday, Maria made another remarkably distinctive and interesting hanging piece, and I waited as we did our creative ritual together. Well, she said, I know that no one will buy this, but I can save it for the Open House in June. I used to say, “well, of course somebody will buy it,” but I came to understand that she could not believe me, dismissing her own life and work before someone else did it was her lifelong defense against disappointment and the absence of encouragement.
I learned awhile ago that it wasn’t for me to tell her what she was worth, husbands are supposed to do that, she had to come and see it for herself. Day by day, I am happy to say, I think she is. I just waited for the inevitable and not ten minutes later she came into the house and said “I sold it,” kissed me on the nose and went back to work. This has become a rite for us, an unacknowledged ritual.
The hanging piece was wonderful, it is called “Today I Need Wings,” and I had no doubt it would sell in a flash. I am not unbiased about her work, but I am not alone in loving it either. I thought about the exchange and I had a revelation. Life, I think, is full of big defeats and small triumphs, and that is a piece of insight that has enormous spiritual implications for me.
The big defeats are the most painful. We want the big triumphs so badly we often fail to see the small ones.
Life can hit very hard, defeats come fast and hurt. The death of a friend, the loss of a job, a family member taken ill, a father with cancer, a dog that dies, a brutal winter, the rain of ugly and disturbing news from the other world.
We keep looking for the big triumphs – the big book, wealth, great love, a family that supports us, a happy child, but the triumphs seem to be smaller, that is a more likely thing to accept. I am not going to have wealth, the big book, a family that nurtures and nourishes, a heart that stays healthy on it’s own, dogs that live forever.
But I see plenty of small triumphs – Fate herding sheep, a dog like Red, a new pony, Maria selling her piece so quickly.
They balance and heal the big defeats – divorce, death, disappointments, recessions, financial struggles.
Yet is seems that the big defeats are the ones that shape and define us. They are, in some ways, always a gift to me.
My open heart surgery was one of the great gifts of late middle-age, I came to love my body and understand how to be truly healthy, healthier than I ever was. My divorce, one of the great defeats of my life, led to my finding a love I only imagined and did not believe existed. Lenore and Frieda and Simon died, and her is Fate and Chloe, bringing light and focus to our lives. The recession drove me out of the first Bedlam Farm and into the second one, a place we belonged, a place that fits our lives.
I talked a friend today who is helping to guide her father through Alzheimer’s, she was saddened by his diagnosis, but happy and engaged with helping him navigate this new chapter. I was struck by how happy and peaceful she seemed. It was, in some way, something she needed. A big defeat, a small triumph, or perhaps a big one.
Friday is the fifth anniversary of my marriage to Maria, a big triumph following a big defeat. Life is tricky, it mixes up revelation, it shuffles the deck whenever it wants.
One day Maria will look back on the big defeats and sorrows her life, and the small triumphs will do their magic. Today she needs wings.