Pamela Moshimer Richenbackfollowed Native-American tradition this weekend. There were four days of grieving, and a fire, tended by a firekeeper, that burned for four days and nights. For 24 hours a day, people who wished to grieve for Paul or say goodbye to him could come to the fire, out in a windswept pasture near where Paul died. Each was circled with burning sage smoke, and could sit by the fire for as long as they wished.

It was a beautiful and spiritual place to be, there was silent prayer and beautiful Native-American chants. Just a few yards away was the tree where Paul died, where his body was found. There was a firekeeper who stayed with the fire from Thursday to Sunday. Paul and Pamela were intensely connected to Native-American culture and tradition, Blue Star’s very name came from the Blue Star Prophecy, which called for new beginnings to save the earth, restore harmony among people and keep the animals among us.

Here, Maria and I sat for hours. I got to think about the death of my friend, his decision to take his own life, and to do so where he loved to walk and ride and farm every day of his life. This was sacred ground to him, on so many different levels. I was shaken as everywhere I went this weekend, people came up to me, to meet me and tell them how much I meant to Paul, how deeply he felt our friendship, how excited he was about the things we might do together.

I did not know how to feel about that, it was beautiful and painful to hear. I learned a lot this weekend about Paul, his life, and the things that were pressing down on him, from the past and from the present. I am beginning to comprehend it, and yes, also to feel guilty about it. I can’t help but think I should have seen or felt something, if I had been paying attention. But Paul was a smart and wise human being, he didn’t want help, he did not want to burden me or anyone with his suffering and pain.

Pamela was inspiring all week, a person of great warmth, feeling and love. She kept dragging me over to Paul’s computer to show me the videos that reminded him of me, that made him think of me. I imagine he had some for all of his friends. And he had a lot of friends, they came all weekend from all lover to say goodbye to him, think of him, honor him.

People told me Paul had saved their lives as a fireman, as a friend, as an inspiration. What a big heart and soul he had.

My time at the fire was precious, there was something holy about it, something beautiful and healing. Paul did not belong to any one thing or person, I saw, he belonged to many things. But there is no question that Blue Star was his home, his destination. I imagine that he simply ran out of the will to live in the world, it had never been simple or easy for him, there is no doubt in my mind that Blue Star was the best it ever was. I am grateful he got to experience it.

Maria worked hard all weekend to help care for the horses, and to support Pamela in this hard time. She will write about her experiences there when she is ready.

The New York Carriage Drivers all put blue feathers on their horses to honor Paul and remember him, that was a generous thing to do. Paul was passionately committed to the cause of the carriage drivers, to keeping them in New York. I can’t say I know what was in his mind, but I believe the cruelty and rage directed at Blue Star by people who call themselves animal activists – they oppose work for animals, they consider it cruel and abusive, whether it is a carriage horse or a pony giving rides to children or a border collie herding sheep.

Paul, I learned, admired me for fighting for the carriage horses, as so many other people have. I remember when Paul and Pamela had to put down a horse they both loved dearly, and they were immediately and cruelly set up on by people who called the police, demanded to see veterinary records and demanded – with no evidence of any wrongdoing – that they be investigated because an old horse had died.

There was no evidence of any kind of wrongdoing, but the fact that he and Pamela were called upon to defend themselves as they grieved the loss of an animal they both loved upset him, as did hate messages and other accusations. I think it hurt him quite a bit, I know it made his heavy load even heavier.

Paul was a strong and formidable man, he men was very much afraid of his own size and anger, he did not want to be the kind of man who intimidated people. I prayed for his gentle soul to rest in peace, I hope he will find a way to communicate with me – I think if the horses can do it, people can do it – and let me know how to understand his loss.

Pamela and I talked for hours, we love and respect one another greatly.  She is a remarkable person, strong and full of love and faith, surrounded by countless people who love and admire here. She says she has a lot of work to do, and will set about doing it shortly. Life, in all of it’s crisis and mystery, will not defeat her, and I will never pity her.