I learned some time ago that everyone’s problems are worse than mine. Even if that is  not always technically the truth, it is a good way to train oneself to be empathetic and compassionate. If I lament the losses in my life – the dogs, people, relationships, hopes – then I will soon forget that other people suffer the same things I have, and often, more so.

I see, for example, that the holidays are difficult for people and many believe that the holidays are great for everyone but them. I don’t think so, the holidays are filled with good and bad, just as life is. It might be our expectations for them that is so painful sometimes.

Everyone knows pain and loss. There is no perfect family.  Everyone has lost a dog or a cat, a mother or father, a brother or sister, a friend or a dream. Why are mine more important than anyone else’s and why should I complain about troubles without acknowledging that these are the threads of life, our common tapestry, the thing that connects all of us, old and young, left and right, fulfilled or empty? I believe real empathy is thinking of the difficulties of other people, not sharing mine to people who have their own. If that is not generosity of spirit, I am not sure what is.

I am always grateful for the advice the Rev. Billy Graham once gave me as I interviewed him on a winding Southern road, on the way to one of his spectacular revivals. We were so different, yet we fell in love with one another a bit.  Graham preached hope and faith, and he meant it. Do not complaint about the cost of  gas, the price of food in the market, the troubles in your life, he said.

If you do, you will become a sour and hopeless and angry and selfish person soon enough, as there are so many things in the world to complain about. Talk about the good things, the happy moments, the luck you might have, the things you accomplish, the troubles you have overcome, a friend you love, your hopes and dreams and be generous towards yourself and your life. God, he said, is always listening.

The Rev. Graham and I are not of the same faith or beliefs, but I belief his advice was good. I don’t know if there is a God, or if he (or she) is listening to me, but I know I am  listening, and I do not want to be one of those people I meet every day who are so eager to share their health problems, their memories of a lost dog, the bad news of the world, the foibles of the corruptible young, the better days gone by, the awful travails of their days and nights, how dumb everyone is.

We all walk in those same footsteps, feel the terrors of the night, the fears for ourselves and the ones we love. If you want to spend your life watching cable news and clucking your head at the world, you will soon enough reflect what you see. Narcissism is a spreading vine, it grows and grows and envelops the soul, empathy is a delicate flower, it needs a lot of light and care and tending. I have a lot of ambitions in life yet to be completely fulfilled and one is that I do not ever want to be one of those people anxious to tell others about my troubles and worries and my hard life.

My life is as good and full and rich as I wish to make it. Everyone’s troubles are worse than mine, the holidays are not simple for anyone.