“I’ll be your man

I’ll understand

Do my best to take

good care of you,

Yes I will.”

Like many men, I never really learned to cry, I don’t often express myself in that way, sometimes I cry in my writing, in my photos.

I did cry today, and it surprised me. I had my earphones on, they were attached to my Iphone, I was on the treadmill in cardiac rehab, walking fast, my heartbeat was climbing,  I was listening to Van Morrison sing “I’ll Be Your Lover, Too,” one of my favorites of his many beautiful songs. Van Morrison touches the soul.

“You’ll be my queen,

I’ll be your king

And I’ll be your lover

too

Yes, I will.”

Suddenly, surrounded by people on treadmills, bikes and weights, monitors beeping steadily, my eyes welled up and I started to sob. I was surprised, embarrassed. I turned away, so the nurses wouldn’t see me, I didn’t want to be noticed or asked any questions about my tears. I wouldn’t know what to say.

My first thought was that this was a delayed response to my open heart surgery, it was a long and difficult summer in some ways, I still can’t quite believe it all. I suppose it is good to show some emotion, to let some of the inevitable feelings out. I felt a hand on my shoulder, my friend Helene saw me crying and leaned over from her treadmill next to mine and she touched my arm, a small and beautiful gesture of comfort.

She did not look at me, ask any questions or call any attention to me. I saw one of the nurses looking at me curiously, but she decided not to come over. Sometimes caretaking is about not doing something as well as doing something.

And then I remembered. A cold winter day at the first Bedlam, it would have been in 2008,  Maria and I had just gotten together, it was such a long dark and difficult winter, she had just come home from her pre-dawn hours in a home for emotionally disturbed people, she came into the house exhausted and fell into my arms.  I was prepared for her, waiting for her, the weather was bad and I kept going to the window to see if she had come home.

When she came into the house, I took one of the Iphone ear buds and put one into one of her ears and the other into one of mine. Then I played “I’ll Be Your Lover,” and she seemed to know what i was doing, she said nothing. We danced together in the big living room, moving slowly, rocking back and forth, both of us crying softly now, in joy, in sadness, in connection.

“Derry down green

Color of my dream

A dream that’s daily

Coming True.”

We held one another closely, swaying gently back and forth in the big living room, windows to the ceiling, bright sunlight pouring in. We just cried and cried, emotions pouring out, each of our tears pouring down the face and cheeks of the other, great sadness, relief, love. We had landed on the shore, we had clung to one another and ridden the waves, we had landed, we were safe. We were finally together, we had waited all of our lives for one another. It had taken so long, it was so fine, so right.

We didn’t speak while that song played, and when it was over, we went quickly to do our work, she to her studio, me to my study. But I never forgot those tears, that dance.

It was as much emotion as I had ever allowed myself to feel or show, I used Van Morrison’s words to express what I felt. I did not have the words then. I was learning to cry, and today, learning it still. I think it’s love that opens the spigot.

“I’ll tell you,

When day is through

I will come to  you

And tell you of your

many charms.”

And when I came home tonight, Maria was in the kitchen. A friend was coming over, we were making  pizza, I got the dough out and started spinning and stretching it, and then, I put my earbuds in my Iphone – it is a different one – and I played “I’ll Be Your Lover, Too,” and Maria and I held each other, and we swayed back and forth so gently. If was as if the other dance was yesterday, it felt so close and fresh and powerful. We both cried again, a few tears, as the phone rang and the oven bell went off and our friend arrived at the door.

“Thank you,” she said, and “thank you, too,” I said, and cried a bit more.

“And you’ll look at me

With eyes that see

And melt into

Each other’s arms.

You’ll be my queen

I’ll be your king,

And I’ll be your lover

too.”

– Lyrics by Van Morrison, “I’ll Be Your Lover, Too.”