I went to my orientation for cardiac rehab today in Vermont, I met with Patty the rehab nurse and spent a half-hour with my cardiologist, Dr. Annisman. It was good to go, this was the longest talk I have had with any doctor or nurse about my surgery and heart before, during or after my open heart surgery. Dr. Annisman explained what a heart attack really is,  how my heart works, how the damage to my heart was “trivial” but not minor, why fluids build up in post-op patients.  We talked about exercise and the heart, and what I might expect from walking, biking and other exercises.

Health care moves very quickly in our country, and is intensely scheduled, it was valuable to me to get to ask my doctor all of the questions that had built up inside of me for weeks, I had not yet had the chance to understand my surgery or the damage to my heart.

Patty is nice, warm and helpful, she said I can leave rehab any time, we would work to understand exercise and monitor it’s impact on the heart, to make sure my medications were the right ones in the right amount and strengthen my upper body, neglected in all of the exercise I have been doing. Good goals, meaningful to me. I was not comfortable in that room, it did not seem a cheerful place for me, I felt a bit deflated about being there and going back. I suppose that is natural, it is not a place I ever imagined myself, it was not in my image of myself.

I begin rehab tomorrow, I’ll have a better feel for it then. Still and all, I found this somehow an uplifting experience. Patty said I looked great, so did Dr. Annisman, he thought my heart is strong and healthy, I had to be careful about my sternum for awhile, but my heart is ready to go. And so am I.

Sitting in one of the chairs, waiting for the doctor, I thought that this is my time. I am at an age of wisdom, humor and some experience, I feel like I know some things now, that I am answering some of the questions that have pursued me all of my life. I am comfortable with who I am, increasingly aware of the gift I have been given, a healthy heart, a second chance. A friend  told me this afternoon that I seemed refreshed, more focused and energized than I had been for a long time, long before my surgery.

I believe this is true. I have been saved, given rebirth to life, this is nothing less than a miracle, and an opportunity to accomplish some of the goals that remain in my life, but which I was beginning to give up on. I was spared more years of decline and fatigue, of worry.

I have plans for big books, for much love, for many photographs, long walks, time with friends, therapy work with Red, fun trips, experiences to share and learn from. Looking around my rehab room, I thought I have a choice.

I can see this as a depressing place, full of the detritus of the ill, or I can see it as a beautiful place, a hall of mirrors, reflections of my life ahead, of my strong steps, of my beating heart. You are getting a lot more blood to your brain, and the doctor said, you will come to feel it soon if you have not already.

But I have, I said, smiling, I have. Perhaps I will ask my heart to dance in the rehab room tomorrow, we will sail between the treadmills and the digital bikes. This is my time, I have been waiting for it.