One of the many powerful things about open heart surgery is that I am forced to understand myself and my heart, and to begin making real decisions about my health and my life. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to Vermont for Cardiac Rehab Orientation, it will be my final opportunity to decide if I want to pursue this program of counseling, exercise and nutritional education.

I have to say I am more uncertain about it than ever, it has become a milestone and a crossroads in my healing, recovery, and movement back to life. I’ve spoken to four different doctors about cardiac rehab, three have told me I do not need it, one – my cardiologist – says I do. I’ve discovered this curious pattern since my surgery, almost every doctor I meet has a different opinion about many things – medications, exercise and cardiac rehab, a three month, three-times a week program for heart patients recovering from major surgery.

Ultimately, I realize, many of the most important decisions about my health are mine, and I’m coming to like that.

Today I met with the co-ordinator of my health, Karen Bruce, my nurse practitioner, and the person I have come to trust above all. She did, after all, jolt me into controlling my diabetes, and also saved my life by getting me to the hospital quickly, there is that.  She also spotted an infection in my chest wounds that was spreading and could have soon entered my bones, and been very serious.

I have seen her many times about many things, and she is direct, smart and has my complete trust and respect. She understands I am an overachiever and while she isn’t shy about telling me what to do, she also listens to me, something I see is not common among health care practitioners. My secret philosophy of health care is to always get to the nurse-practitioners and avoid men in any capacity if at all possible. Men just do not care to listen much.

My surgeon was a woman, and Karen is my primary care practitioner, I’ve lucked out mostly. I asked her about cardiac rehab, and she said “you absolutely do not need it. You are doing everything they would teach you to do in cardiac rehab, you eat well, understand nutrition, are walking miles every day, you do not need anyone to prod you to take care of yourself, mostly you have to  be reminded to ease up.”

We talked for a bit, and then Karen leaned forward and said, “look Jon there is a time for healing and a time for life. You’ve done a great job with healing, your heart sounds good and strong. Now it’s time for you to live, to get back to life.”

My healing will go on for months, even years, I know that, but i was touched by Karen’s call to life. It is time for me to get back to life, back to living. My lifestyle has changed, as it must. I did not ever eat much “crappy food” as Karen calls it, now I don’t eat any, and exercise is not a chore but a precious and valued part of my life. I feel very good when I do it, it is helping me heal every day, I am stronger all the time. What a gift as I begin to get old, my heart is tickled when I move around. Maria and I often walk together, I love to walk alone, my time on my stationary bike listening to music is a calming meditation for me.

I will go to my orientation tomorrow, I will think about cardiac rehab, I am inclined to go several times to make sure there is nothing there that I need to learn and know. But today was a turning point to me, the medical person I most trust was clear, and spoke to my strengthening pre-owned heart. There is a time for healing, and a time for life, and I am ready for life.