Sometimes, I feel as if I’m drowning in a big sea of unleashed emotions, my heart is recovering in it’s own explosion of feeling, the world seems very different to me. Some of the emotions are good, some are not as good.

The doctors told me many things about my open heart surgery, some have turned out to be true, others did not. They told me I might be quite emotional after the surgery, the operation affects hormones, blood, biochemistry, and almost every other function and part of the body. That is true.

As always, they tell me that I might feel a lot of different things, but not what that means, how long it might last, or how I might react. That is up to me to figure out.

I have always considered myself self-aware, at least sometimes. I write memoirs, have undertaken analysis, talking therapy and spiritual counseling. I have a long ways to go in my spiritual and emotional development, I have come far, but still, gauging my new and roiling sea of emotion is difficult, it is hard to see when I am in it. And I don’t know if it will stay or not.

The doctors were correct when they told me it would take a long time to heal, it is taking a long time, it will take a longer time. Yet the past week or so has seen a turning point, I feel closer to normal than I have since the Spring, when I began to understand that something was wrong with me, I was struggling through every day. And I feel stronger than I have since the surgery. I walk several miles each day, ride my stationary bike for 30 minutes or so, am doing more things all of the time.

I still have to be careful how I move and what I lift, I still am subject to periods of exhaustion, there is still sometimes considerable pain and discomfort surrounding how I move and bend. All to be expected. I am strong in the mornings, not always so strong in the afternoons, but am working much longer through the day than before.  I am getting used to all of the mids, when to take them and how I react. If I am not yet normal, I can feel normal, it is not too far away. Perhaps one never completely returns to normal, I think my heart and I will always be working hard and in a new way to take care of each other, keep one another going.

But I am feeling a lot of emotion surging  within me, I am, as they predicted, suddenly emotional.  This is my way, really, i always want to think things through, my heart is suggesting a different approach – that I feel things. I feel much more anger than before, that is also common but difficult for me. E-mails, messages, lectures and arguments online that I would have paid no attention to sometimes bother me, I find myself breaking many of my rules and instincts – I have been answering them, getting upset, stewing, all of the poisons of the ill-considered life online.

It is a matter of faith for me that I do not seek to be told what to do by writing about my life, nor do  I wish to spent any part of my existence arguing about my life or my writings.  My life is not an argument, that is not why I share it.

My blog is, as always, a monologue, not a dialogue. Social media is the place for interaction with readers and others who follow my writings and photography and blog. This is always a challenge, a new test of ethics and boundaries, even before my surgery, it has become more challenging now, and I am just becoming aware of my heightened feelings. There is much unwanted advice, suggestions about what I write, demands for photos of Lenore or Frieda, angry posts about the carriage horses.

I am feeling a lot of good things as well. Love, authenticity, friendship. My kisses on the nose to Simon are more heartfelt than every each morning, my love for Red and Lenore have more depth and feeling. I connection to Maria has grown stronger and deeper, a blessing and gift I would not have thought possible. The doctor asked me about my sex life, I said it is just fine.  I believe my writing is showing more feeling and emotion too, a good thing for me.

I want to work on my newly sharpened sensitivity and anger. When we respond to angry people or spend too much time with anger, we bound ourselves to it, it becomes a part of us, we become what we dislike, it chokes creativity and faith. I imagine in a month or so, my emotions will simmer and return more or less to normal, but the doctors say that is up to me, and in a way, I hope that does not happen. I am feeling life in a new way, aware of it in different way.

Emotions are the stuff of life, of my work, of my love for Maria, of my photographs. I want to feel life, every day in every way. Anger and resentment is something else, both are cancers, poisons. I live an open life, and with an open life comes a lot of things from the outside that are beyond my control. As always, navigating the new world is much about boundaries, and I will begin right new resetting and refocusing some of mine. I learned the hard way that boundaries are the foundations of life, they are central to identity and spirituality, to peace of mind.

I am grateful for an open life, I will keep sharing it, and I welcome the attention of the world, that is really the point, isn’t it? I know about anger, I have been dealing with it my whole life, from the outside and the inside. It is a part of the human condition, and every step I take towards understanding it and integrating it into my life in a healthy way is a step towards humanity, spirituality and health. I have come far, yet I am in a new space, one I thought I had already come to understand. Open heart surgery is like that, my clock is reset.

My pre-owned heart is challenging me to feel, and by feeling, grow and deepen as a human being. With that is the responsibility to be aware of what I feel, and why,  and to accept both what is inside of me and outside of me. That is my life, and my heart and I embrace it. I feel great sadness every day, great hope, great joy, great love. Sometimes, great anger as well. I have never been more eager to write and share, never thrilled so much at the rush to the keyboard. I have so much to say, I know that life is short and I wish to live every moment of it.

It is a miracle, really, to come so close to death and then walk away. Suddenly, the world is a different place, a gift, a precious hourglass.

Once again, not for the first time, and like everyone else in the world, I am stepping out of the darkness and into the light. What an opportunity. There is no fitbit bracelet to monitor my steps on this walk, to listen to the strong beating of my heart.  What a passage. This is the rainbow at the end of the road. Life occurs every day, defies and challenges me, tests and rewards me. Grace is my response and awareness to feeling. This is thee never ending, never finished test of being a fully-realized human being.