I was talking to a friend today who was thinking about getting a new dog, she had the sense it might be the lifetime dog she has always wanted but wasn’t sure. We talked about how to get a lifetime dog, how you know.

We had a great talk. Unlike so many people who get dogs, she didn’t have a rigid or fixed idea about how to get one, she was open to a process of self-awareness, thought and some old fashioned homework. Americans spent more time researching cellphones by far than they do thinking about how to get a dog in the right way.

I have often written about the “lifetime” dog, some people call it a “heart” dog, and as often happens, I have changed my mind several times about it. Open minds change. I thought for years that you could only have one. I thought my lifetime was Orson, and then Rose, and now Red. I see that you can have more than one.

I told my friend that first, she needs to give some thought to why she wants a dog, how she wishes to live with a dog, how she wants it to fit into her life and mark the passages of life. Her kids will be leaving in a few years, she is beginning to think about life beyond parenting and domesticity and her career. It is important for her to understand where she is in life, dogs do not come in a vacuum, we need to know about them and how they might fit into our plans for life.

When I got Red, after months of uncertainty, I began to see his role in my life. Herding sheep, a ride-along dog (I bring my dog a lot of places), a dog I could write about on my blog and books, a therapy dog. A smart and responsive and trainable dog. I identified with his story – he needed a home and had been through a rough time. I understand that, I bonded with that in him.

Many people will only get a rescue dog, they seem sometimes to want the rescue as much or more as the dog. Red is a rescue dog, so is Frieda, but that is not enough of a reason for me, I needed to know about his background, his breeding, his temperament. If he were to do the things I wanted him to do, I had to be careful and thoughtful. Getting a lifetime dog is rarely about impulse, it takes some good and hard work – thought, self-awareness, research and training.

Dogs are different, breeds are different, dispositions are different. Dog aggression is epidemic right now, dog bites are up 47 per cent in America, according to the Center for Disease Control (CD) most of these bites are on the faces of young children, who are low to the ground. It is worth taking time and giving thought to getting a dog, especially a lifetime dog, a dog that bonds powerfully to us and marks the most important parts of our lives.

I told my friend she might consider spending some time with the dog, doing it alone, giving the two a chance to bond and see if the bond has any depth to it. Getting a lifetime dog requires a lot of thought, and much of it is about us, and not them. My friend is eager to do good in the world, she is very drawn to a particular dog and that, I thought is a good sign. Every year, millions of dogs are returned to shelters, many more live in conflict and uncertainty with their humans.

There is no one way to get a dog other than this: a dog that works best for you, your life and your family. A dog is not a moral decision, it is a very practical one, and dogs deserve our utmost consideration before we bind them to us for life. I have had three lifetime dogs in not too many years, I am getting strong and confident about how to do it. I was blessed to encounter Dr. Karen Thompson, who sensed that Red and I were made for one another and who talked to me patiently for months until I sensed that as well.

Sometimes this happens in rescue, sometimes at a shelter, often from a good breeder. There are many, and they keep alive some of the best traits in dogs, they are the source of many lifetime dogs.

A lifetime dog is a wonderful gift to dog and person, it is such a comforting thing, a powerful bond. Red has been by my side every minute since my surgery, I cannot say what that has meant for my healing. He walks with me every day, staying by my side, heeding my commands, joining in my work to heal my heart. And in so many ways, he is a piece of my heart.

Red brightens many more hearts than mine. He comes with me to the dentist’s office, the bookstore, the farmer’s market, he is a therapy dog who works with veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan, for the past month or so, he has been my therapy dog, he is very good at it.

A lifetime dog is one of the most powerful gifts a person can give themselves, it is worth time, thought and hard work. I no longer believe one can have only one lifetime dog, I think I will  have one until the end of my life. I wish the same for everyone.