They say recovery is not a straight line, and today is one of those days they mean. Suddenly, I’m having an issue with fluid retention, my renovated heart is not yet pumping the fluids out of my body – the normal ones and those that resulted from the surgery, and it is a tussle. I gained seven pounds the other night and lost four this morning – we are responding with new medication to reduce the fluids in my body, and they sure clicked in last night. I lost four pounds over night.

It is normal for the body to retain fluids after surgery, usually it is gone by now, and usually not quite so much fluid. But my X-rays show a good heart and almost completely clear lungs, so this is one of those things that will just take awhile. Part of the recovery was juiced up yesterday when my friend Lisa Dingle arrived with gift cards and cash to get Maria and I to Disney World for a week this winter, it is a cherished and appreciated gift.

The money came from Lisa and the members of the Creative Group At Bedlam Farm, a remarkable community of creatives who share their work and encourage one another. Their amazing work can now be seen by the public, although only members can post there. They worked hard to collect this money secretly all month – they even formed their own group, I had absolutely no idea.

Since I learned of the generous gift – there is no better gift for people who live here than a trip to Florida in January – I’ve been engaged in a good-humored (mostly) back-and-forth exchange with the group about whether or not I am worthy of such a present. I think not, I’ve done nothing to deserve such a thing. I am told I am wrong, and to be quiet and accept the gift, which I have (accepted the gift.) And I appreciate it.

It is difficult to explain the complexity of feeling I have about such a present. It was very hard to say yes to it, when Maria saw my face she saw that I was going to say no. For me, there are many life-long issues involved: trust, faith, independence, pride. I suppose it is difficult for me to acknowledge that I couldn’t afford this trip myself right now, at almost any other point in my life I could have gone to Disney World. And did. The big shot dies hard.

Then there is trust. Can I take a lot of money from so many people? Can I really trust them to offer it with no strings attached, no expectations? Will it affect my independence and judgement as the creator of a group, and the person whose responsibility it is to keep it on track? It is another question of openness, of opening up, of accepting love and concern. Of taking a gift. In my life, these have always been dangerous things – this is true for Maria as well. Our journey together has been one of building trust, hard and continuous work.

For both of us, the very idea that someone would offer us a paid trip to Disney World is a difficult thing to grasp and be comfortable with. We spent several hours talking with Lisa about it, it was her idea, she organized the gift, she thought long and hard about how and where to present it, about whether we would accept it. A part of her thought I would be angry, I have made it clear I do not want people to give me money for my life, only for my work, and only then if they can afford it.

Yet on some level I also knew it was right to accept this gift, important also. It is important to learn how to trust, how to be open, how to be accepting, how to recognize that it is often a gift for some people to give. Lisa is like that, so, I see, are many members of the creative group. I am going to Disney World, I made the reservations this morning, Maria and I looked at one another like small children stealing the cake out of the refrigerator and eating it up in their rooms. Is this okay? Will will be punished? Do we deserve it?

For much of my life, I would never have accepted such a gift, not for a moment. For much of my life, I did not know love, trust, faith or connection. The gift is a seminal symbol for me, it marks a transition from one kind of life to another, one way of seeing the world to another. My life is growing richer, fuller, more meaningful. This gift is a part of that, it is what comes from openness and connection. You cannot do one without accepting the other.

I have learned recently that is often important to do the things you fear, the things you said you will never do, the things you thought you could not do. Those who have experienced the pain of being unloved must do the hard work of permitting people to love them, to get close, to give. So I have said yes, I am grateful for this present, I have accepted it. Getting used to it will take a bit longer, getting comfortable longer still. At the other end, I will have learned more about what it means to be a human being, to love and be loved.