This is a story about the small things, or one small thing that mattered to me, that helped heal my heart and soul. I was lying in my chair in the living room, I had faded off to one of the deep sleeps that mysteriously comes over me and sends me off to another consciousness. I thought I saw Red stand up and move towards the door – Red is always beside me since I returned from the hospital. I sensed someone in the room – Maria was in town shopping, but then drifted off. Sometimes the fog is so deep I cannot see through it, sometimes I drift in a space between consciousness and oblivion.

A few moments later, I was aware of someone standing over me, a woman, she leaned down and kissed my softly on the top of my head twice, it was the gentlest and most loving thing. I knew right away it had to be Anne, our bookkeeper and friend. I used to be terrified of Anne, she took over the catastrophe of my finances after the divorce, she has the best glower and gloomy look in the world and she looked up from the books one night and told me “it’s time to panic,” and I did.

I was afraid of Anne for years, which says so much more about me than here. Anne is the gentlest, most loving person I know, and also one of the most competent. It is to her credit that I have staved off financial ruin as long as I have. Anne comes by once a week to collect the paperwork she needs, she always visits the dogs and cats, I used to drive around for awhile if I thought she was in the house. I thought she would bring me bad news.

But this is in the past, we have come to a different place. Anne is one of the most wonderful people I know. Anne drops flowers off, dahlia’s for the garden, blackberries from her walks, she is a passionate gardener. She talks to the cats, scratches the dogs, soothes Frieda. She still has a formidable glower, but I understand what it is and what it means. Anne is a fencer, she loves to go to fencing tournaments and joust with kids.

It is hard to say how much I appreciated her kiss, how much it meant to me. A small thing, an act of love and concerned that meant to much to me, sitting in that chair, feeling especially helpless and at sea. I think we all live mostly for human connection, and it is often the small things that mean so much in difficult times. The thoughtful things. The little things. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by the enormity of it, the pain of it, the exhaustion of it, the brutality of it, the hard work every day for me, for others.

And it is the small things that seem to mean so much. A kiss, of all things, right on my head. A spirit, really,  a shadow, I wasn’t even sure it was real. But there was a note, and a small and beautiful watercolor to go with it.

“Dears, I thought it was time for a little care package. Berries are from my yard. The punk sticks help keep the bugs away when you are out doors. Love, Anne.”

My heart has taught me many things, one of them is this: Fear is just a space to cross. We are never afraid of the right things in life, and fear never makes us safe.