Several nice people have commiserated with me about this weeks’ lambing issues, and I appreciate it very much, but I have to be honest. This is my life, I chose it and I love it and there is no more meaningful or spiritual or challenging part than the decisions one has to make about the real lives of real animals.

Here, decisions matter.

This is all a gift, this is why I am here, why we are here.I am in awe at the wonder of the animals in the world, they are truly my partners in the joys and travail of the earth.

It is not a drama or a tragedy, it is life, no more and no less. My wife is not missing in some plane crash, my daughter was not drowned in a capsized ferry.  If I couldn’t handle this or didn’t want to do it, I ought to be somewhere else doing something else. The farmers have a saying when trouble comes, this is all a part of it.

Liam is all over Ma, he is licking her, sniffing her, perhaps comforting her. The sheep have gathered all around Ma, as if in a vigil, they take turns coming up to her and touching noses. I think they see the same thing I see, a ewe who is sick and struggling to get through a labor. She is showing so many signs of distress, her labor began this morning and has not advanced.

There are many emergencies around here far worse than mine tonight, this is the busiest time of the year for the large animal vets, they, I asked for Jason to come in the morning and I’ll have some decisions to make about Ma. It is not ethical or proper to breed a sheep that is seriously ill, or to bring lambs that might be ill into the world. I don’t know if we are there yet, but it is something for me to think about tonight and in the morning.

If the vet says she is sound, we’ll proceed and figure out how to get the lambs out and into the world. I had no qualms about pulling Pumpkin out of Socks, she is a healthy ewe, Socks just had a tough labor.

I spent the last hour or so sitting out with Ma on my lawn chair, she just does not look good to me in any way. People are messaging me saying they are praying for her, and I respect that,  but I do not personally pray for sheep or most of the animals. I think we are losing  respect for death in the animal world, it is sometimes a blessing and a  release, nature’s way of easing pain and ending suffering  keeping the world healthy.

Maria and I have been through this a dozen times already in our time together, we are of the same mind.

Not much more to do tonight but sleep, and go out and check every few hours Ma is eating, I haven’t seen her drinking, she is calmed for the night, I got her into the pole barn.

The point for me is not to keep Ma alive at all costs by any means with the intervention of God, but to take good care of her and bow to the forces of the natural world, which are sacred to me and deserve honor and respect. The lines there are often fuzzy, it most often comes down to gut instinct – what  feels right. The only person I need to please is me, it is not about the love of others, or self love, but about self-respect. And I haven’t given up, Ma is a tough old ewe and I wouldn’t be at all shocked to go outside in an hour or so and see a couple of her lambs running around. I hope so. I will be ready to reach in and pull her babies out.

In either case, I will share the process and keep you posted.