I had a curious and, in some ways, a difficult week. Some old fears about money, growing older, some panic about having traded in security for love and purpose resurfaced, about leaving Maria and  her future if I died. Yes, I am aware Maria can take care of herself, but these are the demons visiting me in the night and another disturbance or visitation, I keep getting messages from the Carriage Horses Of New York, hearing things, I have been trying for several days to write about them, I am close, perhaps Sunday or Monday.

Maria woke up when I had some piercing nightmares and she asked me what was going on in my mind, I said sometimes, my mind has a mind of my own. In the middle of the night, this brought laughter to both of us. This weekend, I’m working to center and ground myself, to feel stronger, I’ve been down this road so many times but not for awhile. A spiritual life is like that you are never really there, you just keep working to get there. I hope to write about the horses and their messages tomorrow – Monday if I’m still struggling with it. It wants to come out.

The horses don’t really speak to me in words, but in messages, and when I start to write about the messages, they sometimes sound stiff and unreal, like the Indian “Chiefs” in B Westerns. I don’t believe horses – or Native-Americans – talk like that. I have to find a real voice, my voice.