Maria and I were driving home from New York City Monday, we were talking about the Gee’s Bend quilters of Alabama, the descendants of slave families, who live in a remote hamlet in Alabama still and have become famous for the quilts they make from discarded fabrics. I know how important the Gee’s Bend quilters are to Maria, they inspired her art, her quilts, potholders, hanging pieces, scarves, she gathers discarded fabrics and turns them into beautiful things, as they do at their collective.

We were talking about driving to Bridgeport, Conn. to see some of the Gee’s Bend quilts there, but there are only four, we weren’t sure it was worth the trip. Maria said she would one day love to go to Gee’s Bend and see the quilters there. We were driving up the Taconic Parkway, and I just had this instinct, I just pulled out my Iphone and started Googling the quilters of Gee’s Bend, I saw they were having a four-day workshop there in April. I asked her if she wanted to go.

Maria turned while, she never buys herself anything, does anything for herself, thinks she is entitled to going on a trip. “You need to go,” I said, this would be so important to you. Maria gulped and said, yes, she would go, she would love to go. “I can’t believe I said that,” she said.

I got busy, I tracked down Mary Ann Pettaway  at the Gee’s Bend Quilting Collective (the slaves all took the name of the plantation owner) and Mary Ann and I hit off, we had fun on the phone, there was a workshop, she said, it might be full, but she said also did one-on-one work, Maria could stay at her house, they could work together a few hours a day and Maria could do her own work there, on her own time. I told her Maria would call her, I was out of it, the two of them could work it out. So they did. I did not think Maria could have made the call that day.

It was the perfect arrangement for Maria, like me she isn’t crazy about classrooms. I knew she would be anxious about doing, but we talked about identity, I had seen how powerfully affected Maria was by the Carrie Mae Weems exhibit we had seen at the Guggenheim exhibit. Her work is so much about identity, Maria was greatly affected by it. Maria has been struggling for her identity her whole life, when she gave up her art, it was lost, she has found it again.

Maria asked me several times if I wanted to go with her, if I wanted to come alone. I didn’t hesitate. This was not a trip for me, this was not something for the two of us. We have been so many places together, had so many great adventures, but sometimes one has to go alone, especially on quests. I’ve learned that lesson well. She knew it too, I could see she needed to go alone and wanted to go alone. I imagine she will be happily obsessing on the art day and night. I can’t wait to drive her to the airport, I can’t wait to hear her reports from Gee’s Bend, I can’t wait to pick her up when she gets back.

We have not been apart for many days in the five years we have been together, Maria is going off to Alabama for a week by herself, on what I can an art quest, to do something she has badly wanted to do for as long as I have known her. Everything in it’s own time, I guess. . It is a wonderful affirmation of identify for her to do something like this, she is permitting me to help pay for the Mary Ann’s fees, she wants to pay for the rest out of her own money, that is also a part of identify. I love many things about Maria, but one of the things I love most about us is our commitment to creativity, this is our soul connection, our identity. Maria always supported my getting a new camera, many spouses would not have, they would cite other priorities, other needs. Of course you should get it, she said, it is so important for you.

Maria said she couldn’t imagine my doing anything more meaningful than getting this camera, every time I wavered she urged me on, I would not have gotten it without her, she even held my hand at B&H Photo to make sure I didn’t waver. Like Maria I would have concluded I wasn’t entitled to it, identity has been an issue for me also, I never let people tell me who I am or put labels on me. I get to say who I am.

I will miss Maria on this trip, she’ll be gone for a week,I couldn’t be happier for her or feel more strongly that she ought to go. She will love it so much. She and Mary Ann are already on the phone every day.

Last night, I had to sit alongside of her while she searched for plane and car rental reservations. I shouldn’t do this, she kept saying, is this the right thing to do? I was just there for support, as she has been so many times for me. I could see her losing heart, losing faith, she was spending too much money, it would take too much time, it would be too difficult for me alone on the farm. We went over flights and arrangements, she said she had never taken a trip like this before. I watched her click on “purchase tickets” and then, “reserve the car rental,” and I saw she was trembling, she was so anxious.

Then she went and wrote about it on her blog and the anxiety lifted, her strengthening sense of herself emerged. “It was good to write it, good to say it,” she said. “I deserve to go there, I am entitled to go there.” Yes, she is, it is a wonderful trip for her to be taking by herself. I don’t think she’ll feel anxious about it again, I think she turned that corner last night. I perhaps alone know how much identity has meant to her, how hard a struggle it has been. The trip to Gee’s Bend is a great victory for identity over fear, for creativity over the suppression of the creative spirit.

I was thinking today about how I will feel the week she is gone, I know it will be lonely sometimes, I will miss her. I have been alone a lot on my life, most of it really, it is a natural position for me, almost the most familiar. On a farm, you are never really alone, between the chores, animals, braying, dogs and imperious cats. If I feel alone, all I will have to do is think of Maria on this wonderful quest, on her strength and sense of identity. She has found herself and how wonderful to go to the roots of her art, her visions and talk to the famous quilters of Gee’s Bend. I can’t wait to see what she spins and sews when she gets back.

Creativity is not a hobby for us, it is a sacrament.