I don’t know how many people get to have their bankers come to their living room every year to talk things over, but Robert Weiderhold, my banker at Farm Credit East, has become a central and extraordinary figure in my lifelong and very spotty experience with finances. It is one of the primary remaining goals of my life to get my money straight, money and I have been wrestling with one another forever, our relationship reached a turning point around 2009 when the recession struck, I got divorced, publishing as I knew it disintegrated, I broke down, and discovered that I was the owner of two expensive farms, rapidly declining royalties and a bunch of hungry animals. Beyond that, we could not sell Bedlam Farm.

It was one of the most frightening periods of my life, and among the most painful, I could not see a way out of it.

My instincts about money have always been tarred by co-dependence, I always gave away responsibility for handling money, thus I lever really learned to have any. I spent too much money, gave too much away, avoided knowing about it. When our lovely bookkeeper Anne came over to help us, I would hide from her or drive around until she had left.

I am seeing a way out, I am working hard to come to terms with money, I want to be at ease with it and have enough to live comfortably. Bob Wiederhold has been a critical part of this. When Bob the banker comes over, we both look forward to his visits, he is warm, honest, funny. And very helpful. As we have for the past few years, Bob brought his sheets and we went over the past year, and the year to come. There are some things that are working, somethings we need to look at, other things we need to consolidate.

Bob is a banker, and Farm Credit is a bank. They deal with a lot of farmers, so they have a different sensibility than commercial banks, they are less formal, there is a sense of knowing their clients and caring about them. They even send me chocolates and fruits on Christmas. They are bank, there are the usual forms and due diligence, but there is always the sense of all of us working together, another act of community that still exists in rural life, even though the politicians and economists have left rural life behind, deeming it too inefficient for the global economy. Community lives in my part of the world, there are always people who care.

How fortunate to have a banker we like and trust, I never feel that an adversary is coming over, always a friend who is willing to help if we can. He is very curious about my world, he wants to hear about my blog, Kickstarter, my new book tour, the growing monetary value of a blog. I told him the blog was now the most valuable thing I owned, it is worth more than our house.  I have a lot of friends who deal with banks and bankers, and their stories are very different. They do not feel known or cared about, there is not the sense of offering help.

As Bob was leaving, Dan Demanenko, our cable guy, came over to fix the modem on our phone. He and Bob talked a bit, and then Bob had to go. I loved seeing all of us talking in our living room, not impersonal totems of vast corporations, but human beings knowing and caring for one another. How much is that worth?

We are always sorry to see Bob go. Come back and visit, we say. Until next year, he smiles. I’ll be back with some papers to sign. How many people, I wonder, are sad to see their banker go?

Farm Credit East, is an unusual bank, it serves farmers and people with farms, it is a co-op and they have this curious ethic: they want to be helpful if they can, they are very much about people. Two years ago, I could not really see how to climb out of all this obligation, expense, reduced income, not to mention two properties. Bob came over to the house, Maria and I sat down with him. We were both shocked. Bob is a banker, Farm Credit is no charity, they don’t give things away but he helped us come up with a plant to stabilize things and buy time. This morning, he came over again, we want to organize our finances, consolidate and remove our debt, begin the process of saving some money if we can.

The Bedlam Farm blog – www.bedlamfarm.com – has become a powerful and growing central element in my work life and income, it is the centerpiece of my work now, my living book, an effective new way to connect with the people who read my work. In part, the blog sparked a successful Kickstarter campaign for my next book, “Talking To Animals,” raising nearly $12,000 in two days. The blog sold 1,000 books at Battenkill Books two months ago.

I am keenly aware that I am older than Maria, I do not wish to stick her with debits or any obligations that might hinder her passion for her art and work. She can take care of  herself, but still, it is on my mind. Most of our debts are my debts, incurred when I was desperately trying to stay afloat in the wake of all my storms.

Each of the past few years has brought some improvement. We are getting back up on our feet. My blog subscriptions have been very helpful to me, the blog and my online book marketing has also pushed book sales back up. I’ve published some e-book originals and begun to collect small royalties from them, I have a modest but comfortable arrangement with Fromm Family Foods, we have rented Bedlam Farm to a nice and conscientious family, all of these things add up, have begun to change the dynamic of my long and uneven history with money. It will take hard work and time, discipline and good faith, we will get there, we are getting there.

I am conscious of budget, aware of what I spent and earn. Maria is sensible and thoughtful, she has taken a huge role in paying the bills and understanding the money, she and I are a wonderful team together, she is clear and competent. We work together, we talk things out. I make good and thoughtful decisions, my instincts about money are growing stronger this is something new and important to me. I am honest with Bob, I tell him the truth, he does the same for me. There is never a feeling of being on opposite sides. We talk about our lives, our kids, our hopes.

In some ways, Maria and I are growing up together, both of us avoided so many things in our lives and money was always a source of terror and mystery for me, but I have learned this wonderful thing about fear, it never works to run away from it, only to stare it right in the eye and kiss it on the nose. Maybe I’ll kiss my banker as well.