I’ve always had an uneasy relationship with squid, a/k/a calamari, in the family of slimy and strange foods I have avoided, except for the occasional fried calamari, the fast food version of eating squid. All the more reason, I decided this week, to order some and cook it for Sunday dinner.

I believe there are several ways to die. There is the death of the body of course, but I meet a lot of dead people who are still walking around, they are all closed up, filled with do’s and don’ts, on the left, on the right, clucking about young people today, how the world is going to Hell, they don’t see this kind of movie, they don’t read that kind of book. I call that the first death, the closing of the mind. I resolve to keep alive until my body goes, and then accept my death.

What has this to do with the humble squid? I got an e-mail from our local food co-op, the Cambridge Co-Op last week advising me that squid was available this week, shipped in fresh from Boston. Normally, I think of squid as cold and clammy appetizing. Another change to move forward, open up a bit, learn something, make a good meal for my former girlfriend, who I happen to know is fond of squid but doesn’t ever eat any because she thinks I don’t like it.

I ordered a pound, I started going online looking at recipes, I started asking the good people at the Co-Op for ideas, it is the best place in the world to get recipes and ideas for cooking, I pester them all of the time, they are generous and kind to me. But I was nervous, this was outside of my experience, I was also a little queasy about eating squid in non-fried form.  I asked them to freeze it, we were going to New York and I went to the co-op this afternoon, my heart sank a bit, it smelled very fishy and looked very white and shiny. Fried calamari is delicious, but to me, a bit like eating fried chicken, not where I really want to go. I wanted a good-tasting meal, I wanted a healthy meal.

She even went for seconds. I decided to saute the calamari rather than broil or fry it. Middle-ground.

My recipe: I prepared an egg batter – three eggs a bit of almond milk, some seasoning. I made a pan of wheat flour mixed with cornmeal. I chopped up three cloves of garlic (Maria did that). We sliced the calamari into thin strips (they are hollow, they cook up to be rings). I dipped each of the strips into the egg batter, then rolled each one in the flour/cornmeal mix. I took out the Wok and poured peanut oil (which cooks hot) into the Wok and threw the chopped garlic into the bottom of the pan.

I let it get hot and sizzle then put the calamari strips into the Wok, they sizzled and I stirred them continuously for about 2-3 minutes. Then I scooped those out and put in the second batch, I used several seasonings I like, sea salt and some other stuff.

So the meal turned out beautifully, the squid was delicious, Maria and I loved it and I got big points from the wife for my adventurousness and culinary skills. Making Maria happy is a goal of mine, I like doing it.The result was pretty great, the calamari was a bit crisp but not fried or heavy, the taste was sweet, the calamari was soft but not at all slimy and the coating gave it body and flavor. Sauteing was a good idea. This is a simple meal, and the point of all this is not that I am a great chef, I am surely not, but that almost every time I open up and try something different, I am glad I did.

Staying alive is not just about pills and procedures, health plans and retirement insurance, it is about experiencing life, opening to change, learning and growing. I accept the death that will come for me and all of you, I do not accept the earlier ones – the death of the soul, the death of the fearful and rigid and closed mind.

I do not say I will never do this or that, I look for the right thing that I never did, and then do it.  I don’t try every single thing, I look for the right opportunities. Squid is on my list now (along with the oysters I cooked two weeks ago and my white clam pizzas which a local restaurant has offered to sell). I never cooked for most of my life, I cook now. When I get discouraged or anxious, I think of all the things I do now that I never did before, and I give thanks for the gift of change. Nobody else gets to define me.