The shelter experience, like the rescue experience, is much about emotion, empathy and the very powerful human need to save and connect – to animals, nature, to ourselves and our own pasts. When I see dogs and cats imprisoned, even in the most sensitive and loving of shelters – there could not be a better place for them than the Silicon Valley Humane Society, I have stayed in hotels a lot less clean and comfortable – there is a very powerful feeling to save, to nurture. Sometimes the need to satisfy this feeling is nearly as strong as the need or desire to have the animal.

There are few experiences more satisfying and meaningful than bringing a shelter dog home, releasing them from their confinement and isolation and bringing them to love and purpose. During our tour of the SVHS Maria and I each saw a dog we wanted to bring home – I was drawn to a doe-eyed puppy, Maria to Gentle Ben, a large and soulful dog who has been in the shelter for more than a year. Ben is gentle but not as appealing as a puppy. He is very smart, he has learned how to open his compartment door and wander around the shelter, so they had to put a special lock on the door to keep him in.

Maria and I both knew we were not taking a dog home from the shelter. We have three dogs, two cats, three donkeys, five ewes, some chickens. We are very conscious of perspective, of doing right by the animals we have, finding time to walk and care for them, to get to know them. Everyone is different, but more dogs would not work for me. And when I get a dog, I want to make sure that I want the animal, not just the experience of rescue.

There is this great mystique about getting an animal – people often tell me you don’t get to pick the dog or cat, they pick you. They also say a dog will tell you when it is time for him or her to die. That is not my belief. I am responsible for the choice, it is my decision, animals do not have the reasoning power or instincts to make choices about where they ought to live and with who, they don’t even know what death is. The idea that the puppy is choosing me is, to me, a rationalization, reinforcement for what I would like to do, not necessarily what is best for the puppy or for the energetic and wonderful dogs I already have.

I grew up a frightened child and adult who always wanted to be rescued – I still feel that sometimes – and I very strongly identify with the rescue impulse, all the more reason to be cautious and thoughtful about it. Saying no can be just as meaningful and loving as saying yes.

Ben needs an advocate, but so do my dogs, who deserve attention, frequent walks and exercise, thoughtful and living training. Who will represent their needs if not me?  I cannot properly train five dogs at once, for me it is not just a questioning of opening the door and letting them out in the yard. Training is very personal, very individual, I do it every day in a number of ways. Although many people urged me to take the puppy, assured me I would be happy with her, I know that is not true, I know Red, Lenore and Frieda would have paid the price for my neediness. And I would have regretted it. I know better than to tell other people how they ought to get a dog, it is one of the most personal decisions there can be.

Projection doesn’t just work with animals, people project their own emotions onto people as well. When you walk into a shelter or talk to a breeder,  you better know yourself, not be swayed by the feelings of others.

When a dog like Ben looks at you hopefully through the glass, it is very emotional, at least for me. We project all thoughts of things into his head, yearnings, loneliness, need. We very often are just reflecting our own feelings, emotions from our own lives. I wanted to take Ben home, too, I wanted to end his long isolation from a normal life, from the life he deserves, from human connection.  But I write about attachment theory, and I have learned that this is not always the best way to get a dog for me, I need to make sure I separate the emotion from the decision. I have rescue animals all around me, and that has worked for me. Making a more deliberate and practical choice has also worked for me. I remember telling Lenore’s wonderful breeder Gretchen Pinkel that I wanted a Lab of absolutely reliable temperament, one that could lie amidst a flock of children, get pulled and poked and return nothing but love and acceptance. There was no emotion in the choice, just a very practical sense of what I wanted and needed. Gretchen found me just such a dog, Lenore was precisely the dog I needed and asked for. She is, in so many ways, one of the greatest dogs I will ever have.

Red was a rescue dog, a dog much like Ben in my mind, he needed the right home, and that was a great choice for me also. I know the puppy I saw will find a home, she is cute and very appealing, I’m not so sure about Ben. He got into my head, even though he was not the dog I wanted to take home. Frieda is not a dog I would have taken home from a shelter, but it was a perfect choice for Maria, she and Frieda are a wonderful pair, they each needed the other so badly.

I think of Ben, but I am not tempted to bring him here. I am glad we didn’t take Ben or the puppy home. Boundaries are important in life, and animals deserve better than sating the powerful emotional needs of human beings like me. If Ben gets a home, and the SVHS will work hard for him, I wish for him it is a human being who thinks long and hard about the life they can provide him, not just whether it feels good to bring him home.