My life changed somewhat today, another chapter in the long dance with fate and life, another reminder that life has its own plans for us, and our spiritual challenge is not to triumph, but to accept what we are given, to change gracefully and honestly. I met with Karen Bruce, the nurse practitioner who is overseeing my diabetes treatment at the Hoosick Falls Family Health Center, and she went over the blood and glucose diary I have been keeping this month – a book in and of itself, and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. “Hey Jon,” she said, “how do you feel about insulin?”

(I’m mentioning her on the blog in part because she said she couldn’t tell her husband she had met a famous author because of the Hippa Privacy Laws, so now he can read about it himself.) There are, I said, ways around anything. So there I was,  I undressed and got an insulin lesson – how to load the needle/pen, how to measure it, set the dose, prepare the spot, inject it. It was close to painless, a tiny needle. I had a feeling this was coming, my medicine brought my numbers down quite a bit, but not far enough. I knew enough about diabetes to see that.

I know that at some point, the aging body needs some help with diabetes, no matter how intense the holistic treatment. Alternative medicine can cure diabetes, it works for many people, it didn’t work for me. So off to the pharmacy, more maneuvers around drug companies and insurance and government regulations. I switched from a local drug store chain – I think I’ll stop patronizing any drug store that sells cigarette’s at the counter –  to my local small town pharmacy. Bridget the pharmacist said they close Sundays and most evenings but if I have an emergency I can always call her at home and come in and pick her up at her home, which is nearby, and she’ll come in to help. We talked a bit, discussed insurance options and I came home with bags and pamphlets and 100 needles (where the pharmaceutical money is), a month’s supply of insulin and some more pills. This is what I avoided for six or seven years, this is not where I thought I would be.

I was determined to stay out of this system, I was convinced I could, although there was a part of me that knew better.

I was and am committed to my holistic practitioner but Karen makes a lot of sense to me, she knew I would end up on insulin, she said but she wanted me to get comfortable with it myself. I appreciate that, I like her a lot and trust her a lot. There is much hysteria around diabetes, especially Diabetes 2, doctors and podiatrists and optometrists love to scare people to death about it -you’ll go blind, lose your legs, your head will roll around three times and fall off. The facts seem to be that if you pay attention, control it, consider lifestyle and diet, it can usually be controlled and you can live a very close to normal life for a very long time.

Everything else about me – blood pressure, heart – is good and strong. I am sure there will be a dozen messages on Facebook relaying the horror stories of uncles, brothers, fathers and aunts – people love to tell their struggle stories – and offering all kinds of unwanted advice – but I am good with it. I held this off for a long time, I will deal with this well and thoughtfully. I do not see diabetes as a struggle story, nor do I see my life that way. We all struggle, we all suffer, we all deal with loss and change.

And there is a lot worse news I might have gotten from Karen about my health, people hear worse things all the time, as many of  you know. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in my particular wanderings, my healing, is that suffering is never a lonely thing. We all lose dogs, cats, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, even children. No one has a monopoly on challenge, I do not have the right to wave my struggles in front of other people, I tell myself every day that everyone in the world has it worse than I do, and that keeps me from trawling for pity or sympathy, or taking pity on myself.

I let Red out of the car – he was watching me from the window – we went for a short walk. I walked to collect myself before I called Maria, I wanted to get comfortable with this new reality, a diabetic on insulin, I always thought this was others, not me. Now it is a part of who I am, and in the interests of being authentic, it is a part of my story, it belongs on the blog. I am lucky, I thought. Lucky that I am dealing with it, accepting it, treating it. Lucky there are old and true medicines that can help me. Another chapter in the big and never-ending story. I called Maria, and she was upset. She wanted to talk to me about it. We will.

When I was done with the appointment, Karen said I was a good patient and I asked her if I could get a gold star, and she said no, but I could get a sticker. She gave me a Princess Sticker for being a good patient. I asked for a different one and she gave me a SpongeBob Square Pants Sticker instead. I put it up on my computer.