Hey, my name is Flo and I am the retired barn cat at the New Bedlam Farm. I used to live under porches and chase mice and moles all summer and eat them, but then I found this human guy and adopted him and am training him, although it is hard to train humans, they are sort of independent and remote some times, not dumb and dependent like dogs. Now, I get Fromm Family Food Salmon mix twice a day, there is a fresh water bowl on the porch at all times and when I need some attention, I bat my green eyes at the big guy and he turns to jelly and pets me for as long as I am in the mood.

We are having a heat wave and I am here to tell you, you don’t need the Weather Channel or all of those hysterical safety tips online. I am doing fine in the heat wave. Here’s how I do it.

1. Find a shady spot, a seat by the window, a porch with a roof. Claim your spot. Chase away anyone who comes near, hiss and claw at them, that usually does it, that’s how I got the red chair. If you live with humans, stare longingly at them until they bring mats or towels. Chairs are hard, you want something with a bit of padding to lie. Be near a cold water bowl, hydrate yourself.

2. Nap. My rule is as long as it’s over 80 degrees, I’m asleep. I’m not going to mess with it, run, jog, sweat or bother myself. I have given up chasing mice and rats and moles, I am a porch cat now, the Queen of the porch. It’s a good gig, you don’t have to run around in the heat to keep your belly full. Dogs are fools, everyone of them. The border collie races around like a nut after the sheep even when it’s 100 degrees and comes back with his tongue hanging off of the ground. Yuk. The big black dog runs around like it’s October, looking for any bits of food the chickens miss. She’s panting in seconds. I told you dogs are dumb. You won’t catch me doing that.

3. Hang out with chickens if you can, they make nice cooing and gurgling sounds, great background for napping, for dreaming. Make sure to get your towels washed every few days, too much hair and stuff builds up.

4. Conserve your energy. You can’t burn out if you aren’t moving much. My role is after breakfast, I don’t move much until after dark. Some might call that lazy, I call it being a cat (retired.) I stir in the late afternoon, when the woman comes out with various snacks she has saved for me and the other animals all day – pits of pizza, salmon slices, parts of strawberries, crushed blueberries. She talks to each of us, sees how we are doing, freshens up all the water bowls, gives some to me in the barn – yes, I do have to get up, and some to the chickens out in the yard, and she saves some choices pieces for her donkeys. I don’t want to say too much about it, other cats will come slithering around, but this is a good place to live., these people have it right.

5. Avoid much affection. Staying cool means staying still, not a good time for cuddling, lap-sitting, too much rubbing. I just get the food and water and wait it out. If I feel like getting scratched, I roll around in front of the big guy and he’s rubbing my belly in a second. Humans are pretty easy to train. I can feel in my whiskers that the weather is about to change on Friday and Saturday. Maybe I’ll take a whack at that fat little mouse who lives under the porch steps and doesn’t think I see him. Just to keep my hand in.